The Ultimate Guide to INFJ Crushes: Lessons 5 and 6
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Lesson 5: Have Other Interests
INFJs are known to have unique interests. They can be fascinated by things that mainstream society doesn’t seem to care much about or pay much attention to. This is one of the things that adds to their uniqueness. But when an INFJ has a crush, it’s possible for their crush to become one of the only things—if not the only thing—they’re interested in.
An Example
I can give an example from my own life. I used to be someone who was very religious. And as a result, I was drawn to guys who were also religious.
In one instance, I was so in love with one guy who was especially conservative that I actually destroyed two novellas I had written because I didn’t think he would approve of them. I’ve since rewritten versions of one of the novellas, but that’s besides the point. The point is that I was willing to destroy work I created merely because of this guy I was interested in.
His interests took priority. His values became more valuable to me than my own, like my desire to use my creativity the way I wanted to. And it wasn’t even that I met him and he told me he disapproved of those novellas. I just thought he would because of what I knew about him and his beliefs.
(He’s a celebrity, just so you know, and I never actually met him—though I did think I was close at one point.)
This is the kind of thing INFJs can do when they’re in love with someone, even when they’re only in love with the idea of them, as was the case with me. (I talk more about loving the idea of someone in Lesson 3.) They can find themselves putting their own dreams, desires, and interests aside to be there for their crush.
But let me tell you, this isn’t the ideal way to do things. As I said, I never actually met this celebrity. But I did actually destroy my work. Instead of trying to find a way to put it out there and start a writing career of my own, I chose to focus on the fantasy I had of us being together. I chose my crush over myself.
Don’t Let Your Crush Stop You from Pursuing Other Interests
This is why I’m advising you to have interests outside of your crush. It’s fine if you want to get to know them. In fact, if you’re hoping to have a relationship with them someday, you should be getting to know them. (And they should be actively trying to get to know you, too.) But don’t let that stop you from having other interests and getting involved with them.
Even if you have a crush, you can still pursue your own career. You can still engage in your own hobbies. You don’t have to make your entire life about your crush.
And you shouldn’t make your entire life about them. Don’t put your life on hold because you’re waiting for this person to realize how right you are for each other. Don’t stop yourself from pursuing your dreams because you’re thinking about how it might impact your crush or your ability to be with them.
Don’t wait endlessly by the phone for a text or message from them when you could be losing yourself in one of your unique interests. Don’t let the hope of one day being with your crush keep you from learning new things or setting and going after ambitious goals. Having a romantic relationship can be one of your aspirations, but it shouldn’t be your only aspiration. It should be one of several.
Healthy Relationships
If you’re hoping to have a romantic relationship with your crush someday, and if you want that relationship to be healthy, it’s actually better for you to have your own full life. I know that INFJs can be hopeless romantics. And for hopeless romantics, the idea of finding someone who completes you in some sense is very appealing. I know I still find it appealing. But I also realize that it’s not the ideal situation for real life.
In real life, healthy relationships are formed when two whole people come together to complement each other, not complete each other. They should both have their own hobbies and interests outside of each other and the relationship.
Yes, they may both have to adapt to each other’s life in some way. And it’s healthy for them to take an interest in each other’s interests. But they shouldn’t be doing everything together all the time.
And, seriously INFJs, remember that alone time you value so much? How much fun is it going to be for you if you and your crush are together ALL THE TIME. As in, zero alone time.
Because, if you see your crush as your only interest, you’re not envisioning what you’re going to be doing when you’re not together. That means you’re going to have to be together ALL THE TIME. How much fun does that sound to you? Just think about that.
You and your crush, if you enter a relationship someday, will be doing plenty of stuff together. But you’ll also need stuff that you can do apart. Otherwise, well, you know how you get when you don’t get enough alone time…
You’re Giving Your Crush Fun Things to Learn About You
So, even if you hope to enjoy a wonderful romance someday, don’t forget that your entire life isn’t going to be you and your partner doing stuff together. Or you waiting around for your partner to need you.
It’s better for you to have your own interests now. It’s better for you to have your own life now.
And you know how excited you are to learn everything you can about your crush? Just think about someone getting that excited to learn everything about you. Wouldn’t you want to have fun things to share with that person?
But if that person is the only thing you’re interested in, unless they’re very egotistical, they’re not going to find that very interesting and they’re most likely not going to want to share a romantic relationship with you.
They’ll want to hear about all your unique hobbies and interests. They’ll want to hear how you’re spending your time. And if you take the time to make sure you’re doing your own fun stuff and pursuing your own goals and dreams, you’ll have plenty to share.
Lesson 6: Be Cautious With Your Confession
As an INFJ, when you experience intense crush feelings, you’ll probably also have the desire to express them in some way. That’s why I talk about having an outlet for your emotions in Lesson 8. It’s good to express your feelings in a healthy way, especially extreme ones. That’s one of the best ways I know to keep them from getting out of control.
But sometimes you might feel that just writing about your feelings in a journal or expressing them creatively isn’t enough to release all that you feel. Sometimes you’ll have the desire to confess your feelings to the person you like. It’s natural to want to confess your feelings to your crush. And, in fact, that’s one way relationships can start—with one person confessing their feelings to the other.
General Confession Guidelines
In general, I think you should confess your feelings to someone when you like them. But I think it’s better for people to confess only when they know their feelings are based on reality, not fantasy.
Someone can think they’re in love with someone else, but in reality, they’re only in love with the idea of that person or maybe a fantasy version they have of them in their mind. They don’t know the real person well enough to be able to say whether they really like them for who they are.
This is one reason it can be nice to date someone before revealing your feelings to them. Dating allows you to get to know them in a romantic setting so you can determine whether there is potential for a real relationship. Or it can help you figure out whether the feelings you have were based on superficial knowledge of the person or a fabricated image of them.
If the person is a good friend, though, you might actually want to confess your feelings before you start dating. Since you likely already know them well, you know whether your feelings for them are based on an idea of them or who they really are. And it can be awkward to try dating before any revelation of romantic feelings. When shifting from being friends to being more than friends, it can be nice to make that shift explicit.
(If you’re interested, I go more into these general guidelines in this post.)
Confessing for INFJs
But I take this advice a step further when it comes to INFJs. Since INFJs love deeper than most people, they really have to be cautious when confessing their feelings to someone. INFJs already tend to give too much to those they love, and this giving can intensify when romantic feelings are involved.
If the person they have a crush on is selfish, egotistical, narcissistic, or anything other than a good-hearted person who genuinely cares about the INFJ, the INFJ will be put into a very vulnerable situation by revealing their feelings to such a person.
If such a person knows the INFJ likes them, they can easily take advantage of that. They can easily get the INFJ to do things they might never otherwise consider doing.
How Can an INFJ Know Whether to Confess?
If you’re an INFJ who’s wondering whether or not to confess your feelings to your crush, here’s a checklist to help you out.
INFJ Crush Confession Checklist
Do you know this person well?
Do they treat you with dignity and respect?
Do they seem to enjoy your company?
Do they seem to enjoy talking to you?
Do they initiate conversations as much as you do?
Do they arrange encounters as much as you do?
Do you think that you’re compatible?
Are you aware of both their strengths and weaknesses?
If you can answer yes to most or all of these questions, you should be ready to confess your feelings to your crush. But ultimately it’s up to you to decide when you’re ready.
The Outcome
I do want to add one more thing, though. Before confessing, you might want to consider what outcome you’re hoping for. By confessing, are you hoping to start a romantic relationship with your crush? Or do you just feel the need to get your feelings off your chest and out into the open? Knowing what you hope to get out of your confession can make you pause before you confess.
For instance, if you’re confessing just to get your feelings out but without hoping for reciprocation, you might want to consider whether you want to involve your crush in that. You might just want to focus on using your outlet for expressing your feelings and maybe even consider moving on from the crush.
While it’s fine to have a crush even if you’re not hoping for reciprocation, if your feelings are strong enough that you feel the need to confess them, this could be telling you that this crush isn’t really serving you. You have passionate feelings, but there’s a reason you’re not really looking for reciprocation from your crush. You might want to look deeper to find out what this crush is really doing for you in that case.
You might also want to consider whether you want to confess directly or hypothetically. Hypothetical love confessions can be better for those times you’re very unsure of how your crush feels.
Instead of confessing directly, you just say something like, “Have you ever considered the possibility of us becoming a couple?” When you confess hypothetically like this, you don’t have to put your crush on the spot with a direct confession. Instead, you can just ponder the possibility of you two dating.
If your crush seems to like that possibility, then you can consider confessing for real. But if they don’t, at least you never confessed real feelings and you can continue on more or less the same as you were before. This can help take some of the nerves out of confessing to a good friend, for instance.
But, of course, you always have the option of not confessing and just waiting for your crush to confess. In fact, it might be better for them to confess first because then you’ll know that your crush at least has feelings strong enough to prompt a confession. But if you don’t feel like you can wait for your crush to confess, consider going through the items on the checklist above to decide whether you’re ready.
~ Ashley C.
P.S. If you feel that you’ve been acting like the side character in your own story—like settling for unrequited love when what you want is reciprocal love—you may want to rewrite it. If so, my Narrative Correction services might be just what you need. They can help you learn to see yourself as the hero of your story, aware of your value and empowered to make real changes. Simply click here to learn more.
Note: This post is part of a five-post series. If you like, you can also check out Lessons 1 and 2 here and Lessons 3 and 4 here.