The Ultimate Guide to INFJ Crushes: Lessons 1 and 2
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Intro
As an INFJ myself, I understand how deep and intense INFJ love can be. And I know it can be this way even when the INFJ is just crushing on someone. I’ve had many crushes over the years, some more intense than others. And I’ve distilled the knowledge I learned from those experiences into the following ten lessons:
Lesson 1: Learn who you are.
Lesson 2: Your reality is not your crush’s reality.
Lesson 3: Understand what it means to love deeper than most.
Lesson 4: Don’t be afraid of logic.
Lesson 5: Have other interests.
Lesson 6: Be cautious with your confession.
Lesson 7: Limit the fantasizing and ruminating.
Lesson 8: Find an outlet.
Lesson 9: Don’t undervalue yourself.
Lesson 10: Don’t be afraid to walk away.
These ten lessons are going to be split among five blog posts. After you’ve read through these lessons, I hope you find yourself in a better position to know when a crush is worth holding onto, when a relationship is worth pursuing, and when you would be better off walking away.
Lesson 1: Learn Who You Are
Your Outward Focus
As an INFJ, you’re most likely very outward-focused. This means that, rather than focusing on yourself and your own needs and desires, you’re focusing on other people and their needs and desires.
You might be constantly wondering things like these about other people: “How can I make you happy?” “How can I help you fulfill your needs?” “How can I make you more comfortable?” “How can I please you?” “How can I make your life better?”
You’re thinking all these things instead of things like, “How can I make myself happy?” “How can I fulfill my own needs?” “How can I please myself?” “How can I make my own life better?” You might perceive this type of thinking as selfish, which is a label you would probably rather avoid.
But the truth is, it’s ok to be a little selfish sometimes. It’s ok to say no when you’re busy and have other priorities to focus on even when others are asking for your help or attention. It’s ok to stay in when someone wants you to go out. It’s ok to put yourself or your happiness first, even if it means disappointing or inconveniencing someone else.
I know that you may not want to say no or focus on your own priorities in these situations because you also feel everything deeply, and that includes other people’s emotions. You don’t want to feel other people’s disappointment. You don’t want to feel like you let anyone down.
But what about you? Where do you fit into the equation? Does it matter at all to you that you’re letting yourself down when you neglect your needs or make other people’s priorities more important than your own? These are the kinds of questions you might want to ask yourself in general, but especially when you have a crush.
How Outward Focus Can Affect Your Relationship With Your Crush
Because of your outward focus, when you have an intense crush, it’s very easy for you to lose yourself in your crush. It’s very easy for you to find yourself giving too much to them.
It’s very easy for you to forget yourself, your interests, your needs, and your desires as you focus on those of your crush. They become your priority. And you would do anything to make sure they’re happy.
But when you give this much attention to someone else, that leaves little time left over for you to look inward. If you’re an INFJ and you know you’re an INFJ, you’ve already done some introspection in becoming curious about your personality type. That’s good. But you might stop some or all of the introspection once you find a crush.
When you have this special person in your life—even if they’re a faraway celebrity—you turn your attention toward this person. All of your stuff becomes secondary to them and their stuff.
That means you’re not exploring your interests or finding new ones. That means you’re not discovering who you really are. All you’re learning is how to become an ideal partner for your crush. But you have so much more to offer the world than your attention to one person who may or may not even be a good fit for you.
The Importance of Learning Who You Are
Learning who you are is important for finding real, lasting love, if that’s what you want. But if you’re so focused on becoming an ideal person for someone else, you’re not giving yourself the time to really learn who you are.
You have dreams and ambitions. Go after them. You have interests. Pursue them. You have desires. Fulfill them. Even if that means you can’t answer the phone every time your crush calls. Even if it means you can’t drop everything and run every time they need you. Even if your dreams and interests take you far away from your crush, or even if they mean you can’t follow them where they go.
INFJ, this is your life. Live it to the full. If someone is meant to be part of your life, you’ll find a way to make things work. But don’t spend all your time and energy becoming an expert on your crush. Instead, become an expert on your own self by going on a self journey.
You should know yourself inside and out. And you should work on developing the kind of self-love that means you won’t tolerate having anyone in your life who doesn’t treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
Only by knowing who you are can you attract a partner who is truly compatible with you. But your relationship with yourself has to take priority over your relationship with anyone else. After all, you can’t show up as the best version of yourself if you’re spending all your time focused on other people’s needs.
Lesson 2: Your Reality Is Not Your Crush’s Reality
The Power of Your Mind
Your mind is a very powerful tool. You can use it to do incredible things. But one important thing to know about your mind is that it creates your perception of reality. This means that the reality you’re perceiving may be very different from the reality other people are perceiving, even when viewing the same thing.
When it comes to having a crush, your mind, accompanied by all the wonderful feelings and emotions you experience when you think about or interact with your crush, will likely create a very positive perception of what’s going on. I call this the subjective mind. The objective mind is the one you use when you consult logic, which you likely won’t be doing much in the initial stages of having a crush.
The subjective mind, however, is stimulated by all the positive feelings and emotions you associate with your crush. This is where the F in INFJ comes from—feeling, as in you’re thinking with your feelings and emotions.
It’s this mind that can make you think that when your crush doesn’t return your calls or texts quickly, they’re just busy because they have so many other things going on in their life. Or maybe something happened to keep them from responding. This mind would never stop to consider that maybe, just maybe, your crush isn’t as into you as you are into them.
In fact, this mind will lead you to believe that the few interactions you have with your crush are so significant that their lack of responsiveness afterward doesn’t even matter. You feel something when you interact—when you talk on the phone, when you text each other, or when you talk to each other in person.
You feel flutters when you get a message from them. Your heart pounds when you have time alone together. You’re feeling all these wonderful things, so the subjective mind tells you that your crush must be feeling them, too.
If they happen to not be as responsive as you would like them to be, who cares? Your interactions are so pleasurable that it doesn’t matter. They’re probably just trying to hide their true feelings. And you keep your feelings alive with daydreams and fantasies where your crush’s feelings are clear, and they clearly like you.
Your Crush’s Reality
But this is the subjective mind creating your reality. Your crush’s reality, however, might be very different.
Your crush’s reality might be that they enjoy talking to you sometimes, but they don’t see you as anything more than a friend. So, they don’t see a need to do things like respond to your messages quickly or initiate conversations with you. Or maybe they’re only interested in you because of what you can do for them, not because they’re interested in you romantically. As soon as they don’t feel like they need you anymore, that will be it for your relationship.
While you may see your interactions with your crush as being significant, they may not see them that way. But the subjective mind doesn’t want to hear this.
If it perceives your reality as you having a reciprocal or at least somewhat reciprocal relationship with your crush, then that’s how you’re going to approach the relationship. And this is what can lead to things like long waits for responses to texts or emails and going out of your way—or being willing to go out of your way—for your crush in ways they never would for you.
Red Flags
The subjective mind can also conveniently—or not so conveniently—convince you to overlook potential red flags. Some red flags you definitely want to watch out for are…
Narcissistic tendencies
This means your crush is more focused on what you can do for them than on nurturing a reciprocal and mutually beneficial relationship.
A feeling that the relationship is one-sided
This means you feel you’re doing most or all of the giving (i.e. initiating contact, reaching out, arranging encounters, listening in conversations, etc.).
A lack of interest
This could be shown in a lack of quick responses to texts or other messages or an unwillingness to spend time with you or get to know you on a deeper level.
Excessive interest
This could be a sign of narcissism in that your crush is trying to make you feel special and seen so you’re more willing to give them what they want.
If Your Crush’s Feelings Are Reciprocal
If you do happen to have a crush where the feelings are reciprocal, that’s wonderful. Cherish that. Don’t let it go. But it’s very important to know that, because you’re an INFJ, which is considered to be one of the rarest personality types, it will be hard to find someone who loves the way you do or who can fully appreciate the intensity of your love. So, just be careful where you place your heart.
~ Ashley C.
P.S. If you feel that you’ve been acting like the side character in your own story, you may want to rewrite it. If so, my Narrative Correction services might be just what you need. They can help you learn to see yourself as the hero of your story, aware of your value and empowered to make real changes. Simply click here to learn more.
Note: This post is part of a five-post series. If you like, you can also check out Lessons 3 and 4 here and Lessons 5 and 6 here.
Last updated: May 11, 2026