The Ultimate Guide to INFJ Crushes: Lessons 9 and 10
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Lesson 9: Don’t Undervalue Yourself
What Outward Focus Says
In Lesson 1, I talked about how INFJs tend to be very outward-focused. This causes them to pay more attention to other people and their needs than they do themselves and their own needs.
The thing is, when you do this, what you’re really saying is that other people are more important than you are. Other people have needs that need to be met, but your needs can be overlooked. Other people have problems that need to be solved, but you can neglect the problems in your own life. Other people deserve attention and recognition, but not you.
And when it comes to your crush, your outward focus can make you focus on how wonderful your crush is, forgetting just how wonderful you are.
Focusing on Your Crush
When you find someone to love deeply, you’ll come to cherish everything about them. You’ll find their quirks endearing. You’ll fall in love with their laugh or their smile. You’ll find the sound of their voice to be some of the sweetest music you’ve ever heard.
You might even come to idealize them, not wanting to believe they have any faults or easily excusing or overlooking them. One of the only times you’ll remember yourself is when you consider all the lovely feelings your crush stirs up in you.
But in all this admiration you’re giving to your crush, you’re forgetting just how wonderful you are. And you are wonderful, INFJ. Never forget that. You have so many wonderful qualities about you.
When you give this much attention to your crush, it makes it too easy for them to take advantage of you. And your people-pleasing tendencies don’t help much. But when you value and respect yourself, you’re essentially demanding that all the people you invite into your life value you and treat you with respect.
The other side of regarding your crush so highly is that you feel that much more crushed if you find that they don’t feel the same way about you. You place too much value on their attention or approval, again forgetting just how special you are.
Your Value
If no one has ever said this to you before, let me be the first. You are valuable. And your value doesn’t lie in what you do or don’t do or how good you are or how perfectly you behave. Your value isn’t tied to whether or not someone returns your affection. And it definitely isn’t tied to your relationship status.
You’re valuable because you exist. Your existence gives you your value. Never forget that.
But, of course, because you exist, you’ll want to do something worthwhile with your existence. That’s where using your gifts and talents comes into play, along with developing any skills you want to develop so you can use those gifts and talents better.
Doing the self-discovery work I talked about in Lesson 1 can help you uncover or rediscover all there is to love about you. It can also help you find other areas where you can turn your attention instead of devoting so much of it to your crush. But allow me to remind you of some of the things that make you special just because you’re an INFJ.
INFJ Gifts
You have a great capacity for empathy. This is one of the reasons you’re so good at paying attention to other people’s needs. You’re also a phenomenal writer. You express yourself well with words. And you’re very creative. You may use writing to explore your creativity, but you may also have other forms of creative self-expression that you enjoy using.
And let’s not forget that you love deeply. In fact, you experience the world on a deeper level than most. This means that, while most people experience life on a very superficial level, you get to experience it to the depths of your core. You get to feel everything deeply and ponder deeply about things and come up with deep insights as a result.
These are some of the things I know about you just because you’re an INFJ. But being an INFJ is only part of who you are, a label that describes how your personality shapes the way you perceive and experience the world. But every INFJ is unique.
Remembering Your Value
I know you have your own unique interests and talents. I know you have specific skills that come easily to you but that other people have to work hard to develop.
Embrace all of this about yourself. Love all this about yourself. Don’t tie your value to being liked by a crush who may or may not even understand you or be willing to take the time to. Don’t tie your value to a crush who isn’t worthy of your time or attention—someone who doesn’t even bother to remind you of how valuable you are—someone who doesn’t treat you with the respect and dignity you deserve. And definitely don’t tie your value to being loved by another person romantically.
INFJs are known to have trouble finding a romantic partner. But being single doesn’t make you any less valuable, neither does struggling to find love. And just so you know, there’s nothing wrong with you if you’ve been single for a while, struggled to find love, or have never been in a relationship. None of that changes your value.
Your value isn’t tied to having a partner or being in a relationship. Again, your value is tied to your existence. You’re valuable because you exist.
And when you look for a romantic partner, make sure you look for one who celebrates you and cherishes your value. Look for someone who doesn’t love you for what you can do for them but because of who you are.
Lesson 10: Don’t Be Afraid to Walk Away
INFJ Hope
Of all the lessons on this list, this has probably been the hardest one for me to learn. Because we INFJs love so deeply and spend so much time in our head entertaining beautiful fantasies of us and our crush, we have a tremendous gift for hope. While hope can be a wonderful thing in certain circumstances, it doesn’t serve us in any positive way when it causes us to hold onto crushes we really need to be walking away from.
These are crushes where the other person has clearly shown that they’re not interested in us romantically. Crushes where the other person isn’t initiating conversations or isn’t responding to texts or other messages in a timely fashion. Crushes where we feel taken advantage of. Crushes where we don’t feel we’re getting from the relationship as much as we’re giving.
But I would like to pass this advice onto you, INFJ, in the hopes that you can avoid some of the pain I’ve gone through by holding onto hope and certain crushes for too long.
What Happens When You Hold On
I think we sometimes hold onto hope because we think that maybe if we hold on a little longer, things will change. Maybe this other person will change. Maybe something will allow us to be together after all. Maybe. But we just have to hold on a little longer. And we become afraid that if we walk away, we’ll miss out on a chance for love.
And so we do hold on. And nothing changes. And all we’re doing is holding onto this hope and not learning who we are (see Lesson 1) or making efforts to really move our life forward. Or maybe we are trying to move forward, but in the back of our mind, we’re still holding onto this hope that things will change. And so we can’t really move forward. In this case, our crush is actually blocking us from making progress in life.
If Your Crush Isn’t Serving You
If you find that your crush isn’t serving you in a positive way, don’t be afraid to walk away. If your feelings for this person are keeping you from moving forward or doing what you need to do to make progress in your life or grow in some way, don’t be afraid to walk away.
Don’t be afraid to tell this person that you feel the relationship is one-sided or isn’t going anywhere. Don’t be afraid to speak up for yourself and look after your own needs. But try to do this as gently as you can. And if this is someone you know fairly well, make sure you give them a chance to say goodbye.
If what you truly want is reciprocal love, then you shouldn’t settle for anything less. You shouldn’t settle for the crumbs someone throws your way, no matter how sweet those crumbs may be. So, if you’re not getting what you need from this relationship, holding on is only hindering you from living life to the full.
What I choose to believe is that, if someone is meant to be with you, one day you will be together. But you letting go now and working on moving your own life forward won’t stop you from being together.
And you never know. Maybe you walking away might just be the wake-up call this person needs to realize how much they want you in their life. But if they don’t feel like they want what you want in terms of a relationship, you’re only harming yourself by continuing to hold onto the hope that things will change.
If They Walk Away First
Also remember this. If the other person decides to end the relationship, try to see it as them doing you a favor. They’re taking the hard work of cutting things off from your shoulders.
Let me tell you, you probably won’t see it that way at first. But in time, you will come to see that when people choose to walk out of your life, however painful it may be at the time, they’re doing you a service.
If they’re really meant to be part of your life, they’ll be part of your life. They’ll want to be part of your life. They’ll want to be there with you and for you. They’ll make time for you. They’ll respond to you in a timely fashion. They’ll give as much as you do to the relationship.
What It Feels Like
If you have a crush on someone where the relationship feels one-sided, that’s most likely a crush you’ll need to walk away from. It probably won’t be fun to walk away—it will likely make you feel like your heart has been shattered into a million pieces. But the sooner you realize it’s time to walk away, the sooner you can do so and begin the work necessary to put the pieces back together.
Even so, given how deeply you love, know that this will probably be an intense experience for you. So, please have your cry or two or several. Do all the mourning that you need to. And then keep moving forward.
Closing Thoughts on INFJ Crushes
If I had access to a guide like this when I first started having crushes, I could have saved myself from years of pain and heartbreak. I would have been more vigilant about watching for signs that my love was one-sided, and I would have been quicker to move on when I realized it was. I also would have avoided years of pining for people who just weren’t interested.
I created this guide to help INFJs and deep lovers everywhere avoid what I went through. My hope is that by following this advice, you can sooner walk away from crushes that aren’t serving you and prepare yourself to enjoy the reciprocal relationships you’re worthy of.
But just know that this is general crush advice. Every INFJ is different and every situation has its nuances. So, just take any advice you find useful and leave the rest. As I often say, at the end of the day, this is your life. So, you decide what you do with it.
Wishing you love and happiness,
Ashley C.
P.S. If you feel that you’ve been acting like the side character in your own story—like settling for unrequited love when what you want is reciprocal love—you may want to rewrite it. If so, my Narrative Correction for INFJs might be just what you need. It can help you learn to see yourself as the hero of your story, aware of your value and empowered to make real changes. Simply click the image below to learn more.
A powerful rewrite of the story you’ve been telling yourself.
If you’re an INFJ who would like to live a more fulfilling life, this Narrative Correction will empower you to see yourself as the main character of your story without having to attend a single coaching session.
Note: This post is part of a five-post series. If you like, you can also check out Lessons 1 and 2, Lessons 3 and 4, Lessons 5 and 6, and Lessons 7 and 8.
Last updated: May 22, 2026