The Ultimate Guide to INFJ Crushes: Lessons 3 and 4

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Lesson 3: Understand What It Means to Love Deeper Than Most

The Way You Love

As an INFJ, because your personality type is so rare, you’re going to have to get used to doing things and seeing things differently than most people. Most people won’t understand why you do what you do, and it’s very likely that your behavior will confuse you at times, too.

This will be true in most aspects of your life, and it will definitely be true when it comes to the way you love. Most people won’t be able to understand the way you love. They won’t understand why you can’t just date someone for the sake of dating them.

They won’t understand why your feelings are so intense when you like someone. And they won’t understand why it’s so hard for you to move on from your crushes even when reason shows you clearly that you’re not right for each other or that the other person only sees what you share as friendship.

While it is possible for you to have fleeting crushes, when you truly love someone, you’ll find that your love runs deep. Really, really deep. Like Mariana Trench deep.

When you fall in love, you’ll feel your emotions fervently. You’ll feel a strong connection to the people you love, even if you haven’t met them yet or barely know them. And you’ll long to know everything about them.

The connection you feel will probably be hard to describe in words, but it’s not just about having a few things in common or enjoying spending time with them. It’s like you feel connected to their soul, or at least that’s how you want to feel.

This is why your crush doesn’t have to be in your vicinity or even someone you know in real life for you to love them deeply. All you have to do is feel that connection.

Trying to Explain This Type of Love to Others

Sometimes the ardor of your emotions will make it feel like they’re consuming you. Sometimes you’ll feel like you want to burst because of how strongly you feel them. That’s when you’ll want to have a good outlet for them.

While your friends and family might be willing to listen to some of the things you want to share about your crush, they won’t have the patience to listen to everything, so don’t try to make them. They probably won’t even be able to understand what you’re talking about because, unless they’re also INFJs or people who love deeply, they most likely will never have experienced love on this level.

I’ll talk more about the importance of this outlet in Lesson 8. But for now, just know that you’ll need at least one for your powerful emotions. Since you’re very creative, creativity will be great for this purpose. Don’t think you have to keep the fervor of your feelings inside. And those feelings and emotions, even the painful ones, can make for beautiful art.

What You’re Looking for in a Partner

Some people want to have a partner just so they have a partner. But you want much more than that. What you long for is a deep connection to someone. You want to feel connected to your partner in mind, heart, and soul. And you will likely keep searching until you find that person.

But please know that there is no perfect person. And this amazing, intense relationship you hope to share will have to involve real-world, practical matters, too. So, while you can have your head in clouds, don’t forget that to experience real love in the real world, you’ll have to spend at least some of your time on the ground.

When It Comes to Moving On

Loving so deeply also means that it will be hard for you to move on from your crushes, even when you know that you and the other person aren’t compatible. So, please be patient with yourself as you move on. Give yourself all the time you need to heal.

Listen to sad songs. Journal. Cry. Create art. Just do whatever you need to, to allow your heart to heal. It will heal in time, but it will likely take much longer than it would for other people.

And when others see you still pining for someone who’s not right for you and they tell you to just “get over it,” know that they just want to see you happy again. But they also don’t understand what you’re going through, so have compassion on yourself because you do know.

Also remember what I said in Lesson 2. Just because you feel these extreme emotions and an intense connection to your crush, that doesn’t mean they feel the same way about you. It’s possible that they only see you as a friend even if you believe that you’re soulmates who are destined to be together forever. So, be careful with how openly you display your feelings and with your decision of whether or not to confess.

I’ll talk more about confessing in Lesson 6. But for now please know that, just because you have these fervent feelings, it doesn’t mean you have to confess them right away. Instead, you can use your outlet to release them while you get to know your crush in real life to see whether you two really are compatible.

Loving an Idea

If you can’t get to know your crush in real life because, say, they’re a faraway celebrity, it can still be nice to have crushes like that while waiting to share a real relationship with someone. But if you are in love with a celebrity or someone you’ve never met, know that you’re only in love with the idea of them. Until you get to know them in person, you’re in love with the image you have of them in your mind.

This can happen with crushes you know in real life, too. As long as you’re not really loving the real person but instead a fantasy you have of them, you’re in love with the idea of them. If you would like to know the real person and see whether there’s relationship potential there, get to know them in real life and keep the fantasizing to a minimum—something I’ll talk about in more detail in Lesson 7.

While your fantasies can be wonderful, you can become so enamored with them that you forget they don’t match reality. This will mean that you’re trying to have a relationship with an idea, which doesn’t make for sustainable or long-lasting relationships.

Also, watch out for idealization. Keep in mind that there is no perfect person. But there are some really good people out there. And just as you want to be loved for who you are, make sure you love them for who they are, not for who they could be or who you imagine them to be.

Lesson 4: Don’t Be Afraid of Logic

As an INFJ, feeling is going to be one of the driving forces of your life. You’re going to want to base almost all your decisions on feeling, at least those you have more of a say in. This will be very evident when it comes to matters of the heart.

The INFJ Distaste for Logic

When you feel a connection to someone, even if it’s from a distance, you’ll think that it’s something real. You’ll want it to be real. Even when all indications say this is one-sided or that this person is clearly not interested, if you feel something, it must be real.

The thing is, as I mentioned in Lesson 2, your reality isn’t necessarily your crush’s reality. What may feel real to you may not feel like anything significant to your crush. And only with logic will you be able to see that. (I’m going to be using the terms “logic” and “reason” interchangeably here.)

But believe me when I say that you won’t want to do this. You won’t want to take yourself down from the high you get from loving your crush and imagining that one day you two will actually have a chance to be together.

Never mind that they only come to you when they need something. Never mind that they take forever to respond to your messages. And never mind that they refuse to share their true feelings with you, even after you’ve shared yours with them. If your heart feels that there could be more to your relationship someday, it wants to hold onto that hope with everything it has.

If you can, try to fight this resistance. You’re resisting because using logic, especially in something heart-related, feels very unnatural and, thus, uncomfortable to you. It feels wrong to you. You would rather keep hoping. You would rather keep dismissing logic. INFJs can be hopeless romantics, and there are few things less romantic than applying reason to romance.

While it’s true that there are times when we have to forget logic to do things like pursue seemingly impossible dreams, when it comes to something like this, you have to stop and ask yourself whether it’s a dream worth pursuing.

Applying Logic to Crushes

You can continue to hope if you want to. But you can also remember that there are billions of people on this planet. Really take a moment to ask yourself, how many of those people have you met? And if you haven’t met many, what makes you think you’ll never be able to find someone better for you than this person?

If they’re not reciprocating your feelings or if they’re not treating you with the respect and dignity you deserve, what makes you think you can’t find someone who will?

Because of your strong emotions, you’ll likely attach strongly to the people you love. This is also because you’re looking for a deep, soul connection to your partner, which I talked about in Lesson 3. This means that, once you’ve found someone you feel connected to, you’ll find it hard to believe that you’ll ever find anyone like them.

But the thing is, you don’t want someone like them. You want someone who reciprocates your feelings. You want someone who makes you feel special. You want someone who loves and cherishes you. You want someone you can actually enjoy a romantic relationship with.

Yes, maybe this person you love has some endearing qualities. And if you want someone who has those qualities, in that sense you might want someone like them. But you also want someone who’s right for you. So, it’s not that you want a clone of your crush. Just remember the qualities you like and look for them in someone you can actually have a relationship with.

Embrace the Way You Love, But Don’t Forget Logic

Don’t be afraid to love deeply and feel all the intense emotions that come with loving someone. This is your nature, and you should embrace it. Most people don’t get to experience love on the level that you do, which is why it can be so hard for them to really understand the ardor of your emotions. Being able to love this way is a gift. And as much as you can, try to cherish it.

But at the same time, don’t be afraid to use reason when it comes to your crushes. If what you really want is reciprocal love, you might have to apply logic to your situation to see whether there’s actually potential for your love to be reciprocated or not.

You can also use reason to better understand whether you really love this person or just the idea of them, something I addressed in Lesson 3. And reason can help you see your situation more objectively so you can figure out whether your crush is really worth holding onto or whether you should try letting go.

No matter what reality is telling you, your feelings and emotions will almost always find a way to tell you that there’s still hope. If you genuinely believe that continuing to hope is the best option for you, far be it from me to stop you.

But if you want to find true, reciprocal love, logic might be able to help you find it—combined with feelings and emotions. So, don’t be afraid to consult it from time to time.

~ Ashley C.

P.S. If you feel that you’ve been acting like the side character in your own story—like settling for unrequited love when what you want is reciprocal love—you may want to rewrite it. If so, my Narrative Correction services might be just what you need. They can help you learn to see yourself as the hero of your story, aware of your value and empowered to make real changes. Simply click here to learn more.

Note: This post is part of a five-post series. If you like, you can also check out Lessons 1 and 2 here and Lessons 5 and 6 here.

Last updated: May 11, 2026