10 Questions Single People Should Ask Themselves to Help Them Find Their Dream Partner

Photo by Larisa Birta on Unsplash

Few of us are taught from an early age that we can choose how we want to live. Some of us figure this out along the way. But many of us tend to just accept whatever comes along.

While you can’t actually create or design your dream partner, you can have a clearer picture in your mind of what you would like them to be like. That way, instead of settling for the first person who shows interest, you’ll be more careful not to give your heart away to someone who’s not worthy of you or compatible with you.

The list of questions in this post is not designed to make it so only two people on the planet fit your idea for a dream partner. It’s designed to give you a clearer picture of what you’re really searching for. And that, in turn, may give you a clearer idea of where to search.

Also, you’ll notice that looks are nowhere to be found on this list. That’s because I find that too many people miss out on wonderful potential partners because they’re too focused on looks. I don’t want that to be you.

And now, without further ado, here’s the list.

10 Questions to Ask Yourself to Help You Find your dream Partner

1. What are some of your likes?

   This is a general question. In life, what do you like? What are you passionate about? What makes your heart race when you just start thinking about it? Gardening? Hang gliding? Music? Books? Art? Science? Knitting? Canoeing? Languages?
   
   These activities bring you joy, so you’ll want to incorporate them into any life you have with your partner. That means you definitely don’t want to be with someone who’ll keep you from doing them.
   
   Also, these are the kinds of things you might want to do with your partner. You may even meet them while doing them. And while you don’t need to be with someone who enjoys all the same activities you do, it helps to have some things in common.

2. What are some of your dislikes?

   What activities do you tend to avoid? If, for instance, you’re not big on the club scene, you might not want to go searching for a partner at a club. And if you encounter someone who owns a club or who goes out clubbing every weekend, they might not be the best partner for you.
   
   Similarly, if this person spends every spare moment they can outdoors while your idea of making s’mores is melting marshmallows in the microwave, this person might not be a match for you. (Please keep an eye on those marshmallows, though!)
   
   And while opposites can attract, the purpose of this question is to help you find someone who doesn’t force you to do activities you dislike on a regular basis.

3. What values are most important to you?

   This is a key question. If, for instance, spirituality is really important to you, you’ll probably want to be with someone who practices spirituality the way you do or who comes at it from a similar perspective.
   
   If service is important to you, you’ll want to be with someone who enjoys service-related activities. You may even want someone who joins you in yours and who you can join in theirs.
   
   You should know before you enter a relationship what values are most important to you—the ones that are essential for your happiness. And you’ll want to steer clear of people who either don’t share them or respect them.

4. What do you imagine you and your partner doing together?

   When you picture you and your dream partner together, what do you see? Do you see yourselves shopping together? Do you see yourselves chatting in coffee shops? Do you see yourselves taking road trips together? Traveling together? Eating out at fancy restaurants?
   
   This is really important. Imagine, for instance, that you envision going to lots of parties with your partner and you love that idea. But then you meet someone who detests parties. It’ll be hard for you to fulfill that fantasy with that person.
   
   Of course, it’s not necessary for every one of your fantasies to be fulfilled in your dream partner. But if a particular fantasy is important to you, you might want to keep that in mind when you meet potential partners.

5. What do you imagine you and your partner doing separately?

   I don’t think people give enough attention to this kind of thing before entering a relationship. Even when you find your dream partner, you probably won’t want to spend every single second of every day with them. That would be unhealthy.
   
   You may have this desire when you first start dating and even after you’ve just gotten married. But soon you’ll learn that your alone time is just as important as the time you spend with your significant other.
   
   You need time alone to reconnect to yourself so you can be fully there when you’re with your partner. This is especially true for introverts who actually need alone time to function optimally.
   
   So, what do you imagine doing in your alone time? Journaling? Reading? Hiking? Writing? Swimming? Listening to music? Take time to envision these activities so you can let any potential partner know you’ll need time alone to do them. And make sure you choose someone who doesn’t mind you taking this time for yourself.

6. What kind of lifestyle do you see yourself living?

   Say, for instance, you see yourself traveling a lot and having adventures in exotic places. If you meet someone who’s more of a homebody, you’ll know right away that they may not be a good fit for you. Then again, if you meet a travel writer who earns a living traveling to exotic places, you might have a keeper on your hands.
   
   It’s good to have a picture in your mind of the kind of life you see yourself living and what you see yourself doing. And when you meet potential partners, it’s also important to note what they do for a living. While I don’t believe your profession should define you, it’s good to know whether someone needs to stay in one place for work or whether they have the luxury of working from anywhere in the world.
   
   But don’t forget that if someone isn’t already in their dream job and they dream of a life similar to the one you imagine, you two may just be able to build that life together. That’s why, even if you’re not living your dream life yet, it’s good to walk around with a vision that you could share with anyone you meet.

7. Where do you see yourself living?

   It’s important to know what kind of environment suits you best. If you’ve only ever lived in one place your whole life, you may not know what that is. And that’s totally fine.
   
   Before you enter a relationship with someone, if you can, take some time to travel and live in different places, even if only temporarily. If you’re a student, take advantage of the opportunity to study abroad. This should give you a better sense of what environment you prefer.
   
   But even if you’re not in a position to travel right now, you can visit places virtually online. You can look at pictures and read articles and watch YouTube videos where people describe their experiences in any places you’re interested in. This is much better than having no idea of what else is out there.
   
   And then, when you meet potential partners, it’s good to discuss where you both see yourselves living to have an idea of whether you’re geographically compatible.

8. What are five qualities you would love your partner to have?

   We want to go deep here. For this, we’re not talking about physical features, education level, job title, or anything superficial. Here we’re talking about qualities you genuinely feel you would love for your partner to have.
   
   It could be kindness, empathy, a sense of humor, intelligence, frugality, creativity, openness, or anything else you feel is essential to you.
   
   If you want, you can even take the items from #3 and pick the five that are most important to you. I think five is a good number to help you paint the picture of your dream partner in your mind without making it too restrictive.
   
   And for the record, while I mention “intelligence” as a quality, this is unrelated to education level. Education level and intelligence level are not equal.

9. What are five of your deal-breakers?

   Again, we’re going deep here. It’s true that we all have pet peeves that can annoy us on even our best days. But for the purposes of this question, we’re talking about deep deal-breakers. It may help you to choose the opposite of the items on your list in #8. But whatever you consider your top five deal-breakers, note them here.
   
   It could be staying out all night, not listening, being self-absorbed, lacking respect for others or for self, laziness, unwillingness to grow, or anything else you know you won’t be able to tolerate in a romantic partner.
   
   And then, when you meet potential partners, make sure you remember this list and don’t just cast it aside because someone is attractive or shows the slightest interest in you.

10. Is there anything about yourself you’d like to work on before finding your partner?

    We’re all imperfect and we all have flaws. But if we’re self-aware, we’ll also recognize that we have the ability to improve ourselves for our own benefit. If there are any areas you’d like to work on before you find your dream partner, now would be the time to do so.
    
    And, like with qualities you’re looking for, here we’re not talking about physical appearance. We’re not talking about the weight you’d like to lose or the clothes you’d like to be wearing or anything like that.
    
    By all means, work on your physical appearance if that’s important to you. But please don’t feel like you need to do that to attract someone. Instead, focus on other things.
    
    Say, for instance, you know you tend to give too much in relationships—not only romantic ones—and you don’t spend enough time on your own needs. (This is very typical for people of the INFJ personality type.) You might want to start practicing more self-care now. In fact, if you’re not in the habit of practicing self-care at all, that might be a habit you want to start now.

Final Thoughts

It’s fortunate that we don’t have to actually build our dream partner from scratch. This is because, even when we have an idea of what we want, there will always be wonderful surprises to be found in the person meant for us—surprises we never could have dreamed of.

And while I do believe in staying open to people you may not typically be drawn to, I also believe you should have an idea of who you are and what you want before you bring someone else into your life. If, for instance, there’s a certain life you’ve always dreamed of living, you don’t want to be with someone who keeps you from living it.

Just so you know, you can answer the questions on this list mentally. But I think the ideal way to do it would be to write your answers down somewhere. And if by chance these questions prompt you to want to start a new life before you begin or resume your search for your dream partner, this post might help.

Now I turn it to you. What questions do you think single people should ask themselves to help them find their dream partner?

~ Ashley C.

P.S. If you’re an INFJ or someone who loves deeply and you would like tips and advice about crushes, unrequited love, and the search for a romantic partner, feel free to join “The INFJ Search for Love” newsletter!

Last updated: June 7, 2024