How Can INFJs Resist the Urge to Change to Attract a Romantic Partner?

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Because INFJs are so rare, and thus, different from most, we may often feel tempted to change ourselves to be more like other people. We’re no different than anyone else in our desire to fit in and belong.

The temptation to change can be especially strong in the romantic arena. When we see the types of people others are attracted to and consider how often people feel intimidated or threatened by us, we may desire to change so we come off as less threatening.

But we’ll never live a fulfilling life if we spend it suppressing who we truly are. So, for all you INFJs out there who feel the urge to change so you can appeal to potential romantic partners, keep in mind the following five things.

5 Things INFJs Should Remember When Tempted to Change to Attract a Romantic Partner

1. Keeping up a charade is exhausting.

   With the hustle culture that pervades modern society, we’ve become conditioned to think that work is good, overwork is even better, and rest and idleness are bad. This message hits INFJs even harder because we already set unrealistically high expectations for ourselves.
   
   If we add to that the necessity of keeping up a charade and pretending to be an inauthentic version of ourselves, the weight will soon become unbearable.
   
   INFJs can’t afford to walk around with a mask all day anymore than we can afford to work nonstop just so we feel productive. It takes significant mental and emotional energy to keep up a mask. As an INFJ, your mental and emotional energy would be much better spent using the gifts you were blessed with to help the world.
   
   Use your compassion to listen to and understand others. Use your intuition to help them find unique solutions to their problems. Use your therapeutic gifts to heal others. Use your deep love to let others know you care. Of all the ways you can use your mental and emotional energy, trying to keep up a charade would be one of the worst.

2. You don’t want to be with someone who makes you feel just being you isn’t enough.

   In life, we’re constantly bombarded by images that make us feel like we’re not enough. Social media has only made this exponentially worse. And that’s on top of the pressure we INFJs already feel to conform to society since we have so little representation in it.
   
   Now let me ask you this. Would you rather be with someone who adds to this pressure you feel to change or with someone who makes you feel like just you is enough?
   
   There’s something remarkably freeing about being with someone who just lets you be without trying to change you. You’re able to relax around them, which allows you to be fully you in their presence. For INFJs who crave authenticity, it can be even more freeing to have this haven.
   
   You don’t have to hide your flaws or weaknesses with this person. You don’t have to pretend to be perfect or more like what others want or expect you to be. You know they love and accept you as you are.
   
   Of course, if you would like to improve yourself in some way, you also want to be with someone who’ll support your improvements. But if someone truly loves you, they’ll love everything about you, including your desire to better yourself for your own benefit.
   
   Even so, since the world already puts so much pressure on us to be different, it’s wonderful to be with someone who says, “I love you just the way you are.”

3. Focus on what you love about yourself.

   We INFJs have many attractive qualities. We’re kind. We’re compassionate. We’re empathetic. We care sincerely. We think, feel, and love deeply. And, of course, we all have attractive qualities that are unique to us. That’s why no two INFJs are exactly the same.
   
   But when we see how those qualities can intimidate others, our tendency is to hide them or undervalue them. This can be especially true when we start the comparison game.
   
   Say you’re at an event and you see someone intriguing. You’d like to talk to them, but they’re fixated on someone else. That person may be dressed differently than you. They may seem cooler or more talkative or more approachable or more something than you. (“Seem” is the operative word here because all these perceptions are subjective.)
   
   And so, you may start to feel bad because you’re not that person and you don’t know how to get the intriguing person’s attention without changing who you are.
   
   Don’t fall into this trap. There’s so much to love about you. Focus on that when you’re tempted to compare yourself to someone else. And remember that the person meant for you will be drawn to you. You won’t have to fight or compete for their attention.

4. Never value someone else’s opinion more than your own.

   No one else’s opinion should outweigh your own. If you’re basing your desire to change off the desire to please someone else, you’re giving their opinion more weight than yours. If you do this, you’re allowing them to determine what you think of yourself and how you live your life.
   
   This road will lead to only one place if you let it—inauthenticity. And that’s a place no INFJ wants to go.
   
   Throughout your life, you should be constantly evaluating whether you are the way you are because this is how you want to be or because this is how others told you to be or implied you should be. You should always be willing to listen to what others have to say, but they don’t get the final say on how you live.
   
   At the end of the day, the only opinions that should matter the most to you are yours and that of your Higher Power. This is the only way you’ll be able to live authentically.

5. Be confident in who you are.

   Confidence is a skill that can be built up over time. You don’t have to come out of the womb confident to be able to live confidently. Really, confidence comes down to loving yourself and having high self-esteem.
   
   First and foremost, try to remember that you’re valuable because you exist. Your existence adds something to this world. You have gifts no one else has. You have a light that no one else can shine. This world would never be the same without you.
   
   Learning certain skills, accomplishing certain achievements, and reaching certain goals can help you gain confidence. Competence can also increase confidence—when you feel good at what you do, especially when you do it with a sense of purpose. Even just walking with your head held high can make you feel more confident. And, indeed, you shouldn’t underestimate the effect these things can have on your confidence.
   
   But none of this will mean anything if you don’t feel and know in the depths of your being that you are valuable. And when you feel valuable, you know you’re worthy of love because you love and value yourself. Practice loving yourself and cultivating high self-esteem and you’ll find that confidence is sure to follow.

The desire to change to get someone else’s attention or win their love is not uncommon. But I think this desire can be even more common for INFJs.

It’s our mind that makes us think this is the solution, though. It’s our mind that makes us think this is what we have to do so someone will like us. That means it’s up to us to use our mind to convince ourselves that we’re fine just the way we are. That’s what this post is designed to help you do.

As an INFJ, you’re rare, special, and beautiful. Don’t ever let anyone make you think you have to be different to be lovable. You’re lovable just as you are.

Now it’s your turn. How do you think INFJs can resist the urge to change to attract a romantic partner?

~ Ashley C.

P.S. If you’re an INFJ or someone who loves deeply and you would like tips and advice about crushes, unrequited love, and the search for a romantic partner, feel free to join “The INFJ Search for Love” newsletter!

Last updated: July 1, 2024