What Should INFJs Do When Their Crushes Find Them Threatening?
Photo by Thomas Verbruggen on Unsplash
It’s not uncommon for INFJs to have trouble finding a partner because other people view them as threatening or intimidating. I’ve even had this experience myself.
This boggles my mind because nothing could be further from the truth. INFJs are full of compassion and empathy. We give generously—sometimes too generously—and we go all in when we fall in love.
It seems the main reason some people find INFJs threatening is because they think we see too much. INFJs have a gift for reading people. Our readings aren’t always completely accurate, but we do tend to see more than most.
In particular, we look past façades and masks and prefer to see people at their core—at the soul level.
A lot of people are uncomfortable with this. They would rather you keep looking at the mask. It’s possible that they themselves don’t really know what’s behind it, so they definitely don’t want to be with someone who looks past it altogether.
So, what do they do? They avoid this person they find so threatening. They don’t want them as lovers, friends, or maybe even acquaintances. And they may only tolerate them as coworkers when necessary.
If you’re an INFJ who has had trouble finding a partner, this could be part of the reason. But it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. It doesn’t mean you have to change anything about yourself. Instead, I would advise you to keep the following five things in mind when you notice that your crushes feel intimidated by you.
5 Things INFJs Should Remember When Potential Partners Find Them Threatening
Your ability to see more than most is a gift.
If you’ve experienced a lot of rejection because of the way you read people, you may be inclined to see your gift as anything but. As a result, you’ll probably try to pretend you don’t see as deeply as you do, hoping you’ll be able to attract some of those people who feel intimidated by you.
If you try this, you may find temporary success. But since authenticity is essential for INFJs, this rouse will only work for so long. Soon, you’ll find yourself longing for depth, but you won’t usually find it in the people you attract with your act.
Being able to see more than most allows you to live a life others can only dream of. You get special insight into people, situations, and the human condition. This allows you to understand life on a deep level, which, in turn, allows you to make plans and changes that could actually change the world.
Don’t cast your gift aside just so that cute person at school or at the office will notice you. It’s tempting, I know. But like everyone else, you can only keep a charade going for so long. Eventually, the real you will yearn for expression, and the wise and healthy thing to do is to set it free.
Also remember that the ability to see more than most comes with the ability to love more deeply than most. All in all, as an INFJ, you get to experience life at high definition while others have to settle for standard. That’s something to celebrate, not be ashamed of.This gift helps keep the wrong people away.
When you’re lamenting yet another crush who ran away from you, remember that the person meant for you won’t do that (more on this in #4). Thus, your gift helps protect you from people who wouldn’t have been worthy of your love anyway.
I know this probably isn’t what you want to hear when you were sure you had found the one in this person, but just try to remember that the one for you will run toward you, not away.
There are still some unscrupulous people you have to watch out for, though. Some people won’t seem threatened by you because they’re looking to take advantage of something you have to offer. INFJs are known for attracting toxic people.
But you can usually tell whether someone is interested in you or in what you have to offer pretty quickly. As long as you pay attention to what your intuition is telling you about the people you encounter, you should be fine. (See how this gift of yours comes in handy?)You don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t appreciate your depth.
In the past, I often crushed on guys who I knew were not known for going as deep as I liked to go. These were the days when I fell in love easily, so it never occurred to me that compatibility should be a factor in who I crushed on. I learned many lessons from loving this way, and thankfully I know a lot better now.
But one of the big things I learned is, you don’t want to waste your emotions on someone who’s clearly not interested or who clearly isn’t looking for depth when you are. I illustrate this in my two-part short story “Guitar Class: Part 1” and “Guitar Class: Part 2.”
Most INFJs are looking for depth, which is why we don’t like shallow relationships. If you’re crushing on someone who you know prefers shallow and superficial, you may want to consider crushing on someone who’s looking for more depth.
You also may want to consider this if you can tell this person can’t or won’t separate their identity from their mask. If you try to pursue them regardless of their tendency to retreat from or avoid you, you’ll probably only succeed in pushing them farther away.The person for you won’t mind your discerning nature.
There are people out there who would love to experience this incredible gift of yours. Your special someone is one of them.
It may or may not take this person time to get used to the way you see more than most, but when they get used to it, they won’t mind it. In fact, they may cherish it. They may even ask for your insight on new people and situations they encounter.
Even though we INFJs like to go deep, that doesn’t mean we’re immune to things like infatuation and crushing on people who are clearly wrong for us. We’re only human, after all. And with our idealism and vivid imaginations, we can easily turn an incompatible match into our ideal partner.
Reality, however, may often burst our fantasy bubble, which is why it’s essential for us to take time to get to know ourselves before searching for a partner. By doing this introspection, we’ll better understand the kind of person we would actually be compatible with.
Just remember to be patient with anyone who isn’t used to your gift. This includes both people who saw you right away as a potential romantic partner and those who didn’t (more on this in #5).
So, don’t discount someone just because they seem overwhelmed by your special ability at first. As long as they’re not pushing you away or actively avoiding you, give them a chance.It takes time for others to fully appreciate depth.
It’s more common than you might think for people in general and INFJs more specifically to have trouble finding a partner. In this post and its sequel, I discuss lies people tell themselves when they struggle in the romance department.
But the truth is, part of the reason they may struggle is because, when people are young, they don’t really know what they want—in life or in love. So, while they may be drawn to shallow people in their younger years, as they mature, they may come to realize that what they really want is depth.
This may mean you have to wait a little longer for others to fully appreciate your value. But when they do come to appreciate it, you’ll be glad you didn’t settle for anything less than what you deserve.
Don’t ever make the mistake of assuming that all your crushes will always feel intimidated by you and eventually run away. The right person for you won’t run. They’ll appreciate this gift of yours, and they’ll be worthy of you and all you have to offer. Don’t stop searching for love until you find this person.
Final Thoughts
It can be disheartening to go from crush to crush, only to experience the same result time and time again—someone feeling threatened and running away. But if you’ll let them, these experiences can teach you to be more mindful of who you crush on.
If, for instance, you notice early on that someone doesn’t want to go deep, don’t waste emotions on them. Just accept them for who they are and accept that they aren’t what you’re looking for in a romantic partner.
INFJs, you deserve someone who’s willing to go as deep as you go, even if they can’t always get there by themselves. It may take patience to find this person and it may take time for them to get used to your perceptive nature. But if you truly want love, I believe that person for you is out there.
Now I turn it to you. What do you think INFJs should do when their crushes find them threatening?
~ Ashley C.
P.S. If you’re an INFJ or someone who loves deeply and you would like tips and advice about crushes, unrequited love, and the search for a romantic partner, feel free to join “The INFJ Search for Love” newsletter!
Last updated: July 1, 2024