Common Lies People Tell Themselves When They Have Trouble Finding a Partner: Part 2

Photo by Liana Mikah on Unsplash

In Part 1 of this two-part post, I addressed five common lies people tell themselves when they struggle more than others to find love. Here, I’m going to address five more such lies. And, again, I’m going to suggest ways you can silence them.

5 More Lies People Tell Themselves When Their Road to Love Is Long

1. I’m unlovable.

   We human beings have an innate craving for love. This love comes in many forms, like the love of family and friends.
   
   But when we’re feeling unloved romantically, we tend to think this makes us unlovable in general, even if we have other loved ones in our lives to prove this is false.
   
   If you’re feeling unlovable, the deep root of it is that you’re probably having trouble loving yourself. You’re focusing on all your flaws, mistakes, and issues and shoving all your positive qualities to the side.
   
   The thing is, we all have both positive and negative qualities. What we choose to focus on will determine how we feel about ourselves.
   
   To help you fall back in love with yourself, I suggest you engage in self-care. Seriously, when was the last time you took a bubble bath? Or went shopping for non-essentials? Or blasted dance music and danced to your heart’s content?
   
   If you’re not in the habit of taking time out of your day or week to do something just because you enjoy it, make it a habit.
   
   Rediscover a hobby you used to enjoy but rarely do. Watch your favorite shows and movies. Cook your favorite foods or desserts. Read a book for fun. Just get in the habit of enjoying your own company. After all, you can’t expect anyone else to enjoy your company if you don’t.
   
   Something else that might help is making a list of your positive qualities or accomplishments. It doesn’t have to be a long list and you don’t have to talk about anything earth-shattering. Maybe just 5-10 things you love about yourself or feel proud of yourself for having accomplished.
   
   Honestly, though, if you can think of even one thing, take it and run with it. For example, if you’ve been struggling to pull yourself out of bed in the morning but still managed to this morning, write that down.
   
   And if you do have more than one item on your list, try not to make too many relate to looks. By all means, be happy with the way you look. But that shouldn’t be the only thing you value about yourself.
   
   Try to focus more on your enduring qualities, like your creativity, your compassion for others, or your unique bond with plants.
   
   I know that feeling unlovable may put you in a low state, making it hard for you to think of anything positive to write. If that’s the case, reach out to someone who cares about you and ask them to tell you why they love you.
   
   This will most likely help you see lovable qualities in you that you couldn’t see yourself. That, in turn, should help you come to love and value yourself more. And the more you love and value yourself, the more attractive you become to others.
   
   But don’t do this just to get someone’s attention. Do it because it makes you happy. And if you need more encouragement when you’re feeling unlovable, check out this video from Psych2Go.
   
   And in the extreme case where you really don’t feel loved by any people, adopt a pet if you’re in a position to. Or volunteer at an animal shelter.
   
   What I love about animals is they love you no matter what you look like, what you’ve done, how many friends you have, or how many followers you have on social media. If you’re there for them, they’re there for you. You can work on finding human love later.

2. I’ve just accepted that I’m meant to be single.

   This is one I know is a lie when I hear it because people who are truly content being single don’t have to think this. They don’t have to convince themselves that they’re content because they just are.
   
   They may tell others they’re content when they demand an explanation for why they choose to stay single, but they don’t have to convince themselves of this. So, if you have to convince yourself that this is you, then it’s not you.
   
   If you find yourself feeding yourself this lie, ask these questions instead: Am I telling myself this because I’m too afraid of hoping or wishing for a partner? And why does that scare me? Because I’m afraid of being disappointed? Because I’m afraid of putting myself out there? Because I’m afraid of getting hurt?
   
   Is fear the root of this lie? And do I really want to live my life from a place of fear? Why don’t I just hold onto my dream while keeping an open mind, trying new things, and hoping for the best?
   
   You see, once you’ve convinced yourself you’re destined to be single, you stop looking for opportunities for love. And that makes it harder for love to find you.
   
   But if you really want love, you might try going new places and meeting new people with similar interests. Or you might try hiring a relationship coach who can help you work through your fears and insecurities (more on this in #3).
   
   Don’t ever try to convince yourself you don’t want what you really want. Believe me, your subconscious will not be happy about it.

3. I shouldn’t need anyone’s help finding love.

   This is more of an implied lie. It’s not one I necessarily hear people voicing aloud, but it’s one that’s implied when they decide to give up on the search for love.
   
   Sometimes people think that because other people didn’t need anyone else’s help finding a partner, they shouldn’t either. This is total bull.
   
   We humans have a tendency to think that everything that comes easy for other people should come easy for us. If that were true, a lot of professions would not exist.
   
   Sometimes people have trouble losing weight on their own, so they hire a trainer. Sometimes people have trouble decorating their home on their own, so they hire a decorator.
   
   Sometimes people have trouble finding their personal style, so they hire a stylist. Sometimes people have trouble dealing with their problems on their own, so they go see a therapist.
   
   There are people who have been able to do all these things without seeking help. That’s fine if it worked for them. That doesn’t mean it will work for everyone.
   
   No one is good at everything. So, when you need help, don’t be afraid to ask for it. That goes for every aspect of your life, which means help in relationship matters should not be excluded.
   
   Additionally, some people manage to solve their issues with books, articles, videos, and other resources. Again, if that works for them, that’s fine. But some people need more help than that. Some people need to hear another person’s perspective on their situation, especially if they really find themselves struggling.
   
   If you find yourself really struggling in matters of the heart, don’t believe the lie that you shouldn’t need to seek out help. There’s no shame in asking for help of any nature. Remember, asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

4. There’s something wrong with me.

   When you’ve been single for a long time or when you’ve struggled to make any relationship last, your tendency will be to look around at all the other people who haven’t had similar struggles and conclude that there’s something wrong with you.
   
   There must be something all these other people have that you don’t have or something they’ve figured out that you haven’t, and it’s that something that’s keep you from finding lasting love.
   
   But this isn’t the only conclusion you can come to. You can also come to the conclusion that these people you’ve either crushed on or dated just weren’t the right match for you. And if you focus on this conclusion, it might lead you to do some introspection, which I find to be both rewarding and necessary to live a fulfilling life.
   
   Instead of mindlessly going from one crush or relationship to another, stop and consider the kinds of people you usually fall in love with. Is there a pattern?
   
   Is it possible you’re being drawn to these people, not because of their innate traits, but because you’re trying to fulfill one of your own needs?
   
   For me, I know that in the past I tended to fall in love easily. And after doing some self-discovery work, I realized it was because I was looking for love, acceptance, and understanding in a romantic partner that I felt I wasn’t getting from the people around me.
   
   I now know that as long as I love and accept myself and try to understand myself the best I can, I don’t need anyone else to do that for me.
   
   It’s also possible you’re being drawn to people for reasons that are inauthentic to you. If that’s the case, once again, some introspection might help. It’s essential for you to know who you are—and to love that person—before you can find someone you truly connect with.
   
   Even people who seem to have no trouble finding love may not truly know themselves. But they may stumble upon their true selves later in life. As a result, they may come to realize they’re looking for something different in their romantic relationships.
   
   This may, in turn, cause these relationships to end or endure severe tension. You can avoid all this by taking time to figure out who you are and what you want now.
   
   There are also people who live their lives on a very superficial level. It’s easy for them to find partners who live on that same level. And they tend to be content together, floating on the surface. If they’re comfortable with that, that’s fine.
   
   But I’ve found that people who struggle to find love also prefer depth in life and in their relationships. Superficial won’t work for them. Since most people, unfortunately, do prefer to stay superficial, it will be harder for those who prefer depth to find love. But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible.
   
   It just may take a little more time and require a little more effort. But if love is what you really want, you can find it.
   
   And just know, there’s nothing wrong with you because you don’t want to settle for superficial. There’s nothing wrong with you because you value meaning and depth in life and in love. And there’s nothing wrong with wanting to find yourself before finding a partner.

5. I don’t know how to love.

   There’s really only one way to learn how to do something you don’t know how to do—you have to do it. This particular lie is one I hear from people who are afraid to even admit to someone that they like them because they don’t know what to do next.
   
   They’ve never been in a relationship before, so they figure they don’t know how to love, so why even try when they’re afraid they’re going to mess things up?
   
   Do you know how many things in life were done by people who didn’t know how to do them? How many times people had to fail before they succeeded at something? How much effort people have to put into things before they become good at them?
   
   No one comes out of the womb perfect at doing anything. Even people endowed with particular skills from birth have had to develop them over time. And even people who’ve found partners easily have had to put in work to make those relationships last.
   
   Much of that work, believe it or not, was done through trial and error. Relationships are hard and everyone makes mistakes when it comes to them. So, don’t assume that everyone has this relationship thing figured out while it seems to be beyond you. Everyone struggles in one way or another.
   
   Also, if you’ve never been in a relationship, don’t be afraid of entering a relationship with someone who has. You may think that because they have more experience, any mistakes you make will be even more glaring.
   
   But don’t assume that because they have experience, that makes them an expert at relationships. They may know more about them than you do, but they’ll make their mistakes, too. Even so, if you’re both willing to learn and grow together, you can find a way to make things last.

Final Thoughts

I hope that by now you realize a lot of the “reasons” people use to explain their difficulty in finding love are really just lies masquerading as the truth. But one truth you should hold onto is, as long as you stay hopeful, there’s still hope. As long as you don’t give up, you’ll find ways to press on no matter how long your journey is.

And remember this. The longer your road to love, the more interesting your love story will be—and the more rewarding it will be when you do finally find your special someone.

Now it’s your turn. Are there any other of these kinds of lies you can think of? How do you silence them?

~ Ashley C.

P.S. If you’re an INFJ or someone who loves deeply and you would like tips and advice about crushes, unrequited love, and the search for a romantic partner, feel free to join “The INFJ Search for Love” newsletter!

Last updated: June 7, 2024