Common Lies People Tell Themselves When They Have Trouble Finding a Partner: Part 1
Photo by Jess Bailey on Unsplash
If you’ve struggled to find a significant other or life partner, you’ve probably spent some time asking yourself why.
Some people met the person they ended up marrying when they were teenagers, you think. Why couldn’t that have been you? Why does it seem to be so much harder for you?
(And there are even teenagers asking themselves similar questions, like, “Why is it so easy for everyone else to get a boyfriend/girlfriend?”)
When you’re down on yourself about your ability to find love, the answers you come up with will often take the form of lies. By definition, lies are statements that aren’t true.
(Feel free to think or say “duh” now if you wish.)
And yet, we cling to them as if they were facts because we find that gives us solace. After all, it’s easier to accept our lot when we feel there’s a reason for it—even a false one.
The truth is, there are many potential reasons why it’s been so hard for you to find love and a lot of them have nothing to do with you. But I’m not going to get into those reasons in this post.
Here, I’m going to address five of the most common “I’m too…” lies people tell themselves when they find the journey for love to be a struggle. I’m also going to share ways to combat them since filling your head with lies won’t make love come to you any faster.
Originally, I intended this to be one post with ten total lies. But I found that I had so much to say that I’m making this the first of two posts, each unveiling five lies.
(And, no, you won’t find “All the good ones are taken” on this list. I think that lie has been covered enough elsewhere.)
5 Lies People Tell Themselves When Their Road to Love Is Long
I’m too old to find love.
Because we hear so many stories about all the things certain people were able to accomplish before they turned 20 or 30, we’ve become conditioned to think there’s a timeline on things like accomplishing dreams and finding love.
So, when we reach a certain age where we feel like something should have already happened, we feel like we just missed the boat and now there’s no hope.
The truth is, not everyone blooms while they’re young. Some people are what we call late bloomers. This means their time will come later in life. And even people who bloom young in some areas may bloom later in others.
It’s essential to remember that life is not a race or a competition. It’s a journey. And everyone is on their own journey with its own rhythm and milestones.
Don’t look at someone else and think that because they were able to accomplish something by a certain age, you should have been able to as well. It was probably just the right time for them. Your time will come later.
(Believe me, though, I’m still struggling not to play the comparison game. One thing that helps a lot is not to spend too much time on social media.)
Also, it’s important to note that a lot people don’t really know what they want when they’re young. They may think they know, but then they try it and come to find out it’s not really what they want.
This could mean that they date a certain type of person while they’re young—they may even marry them. But it’s not until later in life that they really learn what they’re looking for in a partner.
I talk in this post about how, if I had started dating when I was younger, I probably would have ended up with someone who was deeply religious since I thought I was, too.
But after going on a journey of self-discovery, I discovered I’m more spiritual than religious. So, it would have been a nightmare for me to have been with someone religious as I went through this transformation. Most likely, we both would have come out severely scarred.
Don’t ever think it’s too late to find love. In fact, if you find it later in life, you’ll probably be more aware of who you are and what you really want in a partner. That will make for more fulfilling and enduring relationships.
And as Cher put it, “If grass can grow through cement, love can find you at every time in your life.”I’m too unattractive to find love.
I hear this one all the time, and it always breaks my heart. Seriously, who told you that you were unattractive? What standard are you using? Society’s standard? Alright, if you insist on using that as the bar, let’s go there.
First, set aside the fact that what society values is usually unrealistic and impossible for most people to achieve. Just put that aside for a second.
Does every person you see in a relationship match society’s standard of beauty? If you think they do, you must be living in a different world from the one I’m in. Because in the world where I live, people come in all shapes, forms, and sizes, and those same people end up in relationships.
If only the people who measured up to society’s standard of beauty were able to find love, most of the world would be single. Just saying.
I know you probably don’t want to hear the inner beauty speech right now, but here’s my take on it anyway. I’m very aware that people notice looks and some of them value them more than others. But this is a very superficial way of choosing a partner.
Many people have found themselves disappointed by what they find below the surface once they get past a pretty face. And it’s what’s under the surface that really sustains a relationship.
Even so, at the end of the day, all that matters is your answer to this question: Do you feel beautiful? If you don’t feel beautiful, it doesn’t matter what anyone else says, even if you’re considered attractive by society’s standards.
And if you have what I call unconventional beauty, the right person for you will notice it. They will be drawn to you for reasons they can’t explain. This is because, a lot of the time, people who don’t feel conventionally beautiful spend more time developing their inner beauty.
This will inevitably shine through you and overtake your being. And it will end up being all this person sees. How you look physically will be secondary.
I can’t promise this kind of beauty will draw scores of potential partners to your door. But quality people who are worthy of your love will be attracted to it.
And, anyway, do you really want to be with someone who only values the way you look? That would make for a pretty shallow relationship, don’t you think? You deserve more than that. As long as you feel beautiful and give people a chance to know the real you below the surface, you’ll have no reason to believe this lie.I’m too boring to find love.
Like with the previous lie, I would ask you, who told you that you’re boring? What standard are you using for what qualifies as interesting? Is it yours or someone else’s? And if it’s someone else’s, why are you giving their opinion so much weight?
Some people feel boring because they find other people quickly lose interest in them. People may have even been told they’re boring because they don’t like to party or stay out late, for example. But, really, you’re only boring when you think you are.
If you enjoy curling up on the couch with a book or a movie on the weekend, who cares what anyone else thinks? If your favorite activity is looking at stamps you’ve collected over the years, so be it.
If someone else doesn’t find this interesting, that’s ok. Someone out there will. And you want to be with that person, not the one who makes you feel you have to change to please them.
But if you do feel boring and it’s not because of what someone else thinks, it’s probably because you’re bored with your life. That means it’s time to spice things up. And you’re the one who gets to decide what that looks like for you.
Whether it means dyeing your hair a different color or taking up crotchet in addition to knitting, you decide what makes your life fun. And if some people find it boring, oh well. The one meant for you will find you fascinating. And they’ll probably even want to join you on some of your adventures.I’m too introverted to find love.
People who believe this lie are probably thinking their introversion leads them to spend too much time alone, which means they never put themselves in a position to meet a potential romantic partner. If this is true, this statement merely refers to their past behavior.
But if they’re determined to find love, all they have to do is replace this lie with an empowering belief: “I may be introverted, but I’m willing to leave my comfort zone for love.”
While it’s unlikely your life partner will come knocking on your door (though not impossible), that doesn’t mean you can’t go out and find them or at least put yourself in a better position to meet them.
Yes, it will require you to step outside your comfort zone and put yourself in situations where you’ll be more exposed or risk coming off as awkward.
But if you want to find love, isn’t it worth it? Isn’t it worth it to look a little awkward or silly for a moment if it means finding someone to spend the rest of your life with? If love is something you crave, isn’t it worth it to push past fear and jump into new situations once in a while?
You don’t have to do this every day or even every week. But once in a while, you can try to go somewhere new or try something new where you have the opportunity to meet people with interests you share or otherwise find interesting.
You don’t all of a sudden have to become this bold extrovert to find love. Just step outside your introvert refuge from time to time.I’m too shy to find love.
For the record, there’s nothing inherently wrong with being shy. While it’s true that shyness can make it harder for you to meet and approach new people, it’s also true that you don’t have to let it stop you from being confident when necessary.
Like with introversion, you can replace the lie with an empowering belief: “I may be shy, but I’m willing to push past my shyness to find love.”
You can then do research or find a coach who can help you be more confident in social situations or around people you’re interested in. There are tools out there to help you fulfill this empowering belief as soon as you claim it.
Once you decide you won’t let anything stop you from finding the one you’re meant to be with, you open yourself up to a world of possibilities. I still can’t promise you’ll meet that person tomorrow or that the next person you date will be the one. But as long as you remain open to finding them, I believe you will.
Final Thoughts
You might have noticed that, much of the time, when people think they lack a quality others search for in a romantic partner, it’s because of how they perceive themselves.
They don’t think others will find them attractive because they don’t feel attractive. They don’t think others will find them interesting because they don’t see themselves that way.
But once the internal work is done to change these perceptions and increase self-esteem—once limiting beliefs are replaced with empowering ones—finding love really comes down to staying hopeful and being willing to put yourself out there.
Now it’s your turn. What are some lies you find people tell themselves when they struggle to find love? Have you ever told yourself these lies? Let me know in the comments.
~ Ashley C.
P.S. If you’re an INFJ or someone who loves deeply and you would like tips and advice about crushes, unrequited love, and the search for a romantic partner, feel free to join “The INFJ Search for Love” newsletter!
Last updated: June 7, 2024