Why Do Some INFJs Fall in Love So Easily?

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I’ve heard that INFJs tend to fall in love slowly and struggle to open up to people. This can make it seem hard to love them. But anyone who has really taken the time to love an INFJ knows this isn’t true.

I think it’s often impatience that makes INFJs come off as hard to love. People don’t want to put in the time and effort required before an INFJ will open their heart to them. Because when an INFJ opens their heart, their partner will be hard-pressed to find a more responsive, affectionate, and devoted lover.

Still, some INFJs—me included—are an exception to this tendency. I’ve been known to fall in love at first sight time and time again. And when I was in love with someone, it was all too easy for them to pry out my secrets. All they had to do was threaten to hang up the phone or stop speaking to me.

It wasn’t until recently that I learned how to tame my heart and keep myself from falling in love so easily. But now that I have, I’m wondering, why do some of us INFJs do that?

A Distinction

I need to make a distinction between deep love and shallow love. I used to fall in shallow love easily, and those crushes started and ended fast. Only a few people have made my deep love list. It took me many years to get over those people. And, in hindsight, those crushes developed more slowly than the others.

It’s important to make this distinction because, when it comes to falling in love easily, I’ve often found that love to be shallow. Since INFJs prefer what is deep and authentic, shallow love is an inauthentic form of love for us.

It’s probably not right to even call that type of love “love,” but rather “infatuation.” It may feel like love, but it’s really just a combination of all the fluttery feelings we associate with love.

So, now the question becomes, why do some INFJs become infatuated so easily?

A Longing for Love

People in general have a deep inner longing for love, though this love comes in many forms—the love of family, the love of friends, and the love of our peers to name a few. But romantic love is one of the strongest forms of love and, simultaneously, one of the most intense emotional highs there is.

For some of us, in our search for love we seek out that most intense high. That’s why people often compare love to a drug. And for those of us who have been known to become easily infatuated, we try to get our idea of love anywhere we can find it, even if it’s shallow, short-lived, or one-sided. There’s just something about it that we can’t get enough of. We’re in love with the idea of love.

But the question then becomes, if INFJs prefer what is deep and genuine, why would we settle for infatuation? My theory is that we feel a lack of love elsewhere.

Searching for Love

INFJs are enigmas to most people. It’s rare that we find anyone who truly understands us or who will take the time to. When I read old diary entries referring to my first crush, I notice that I talk about how my family members were either too busy for me or were always angry with me.* But the boy I loved gave me the attention I was craving.

He answered the questions I asked him, he asked me questions of his own, and he didn’t push me away. I wrote about how he loved the real me, not an inauthentic version of myself. And I also wrote about how, after God, he was the only one who really understood me.

This was probably only true in my mind, though, where my feelings for him were being fueled by pleasant interactions with him and fantasies. But it didn’t matter. I loved the attention he gave me. I loved that it seemed he was trying to understand me. And I loved that he was interested in getting to know the real me.

After this crush moved away, I started developing new crushes left and right. When I first started middle school, for example, I had a new crush something like every other week. And I noticed that every one of these guys had some feature—usually physical—that reminded me of my first crush. It seemed that if I couldn’t see him in real life, I was trying to hold onto him in some way.

All I know is, that first crush influenced my future crushes for years. I’ve finally learned that, among the many things I wish I knew before I fell in love with him, that’s not a foolproof way to choose crushes.

Still, what I find most intriguing is that I felt a sense of understanding and acceptance with my first crush that I wasn’t finding in the love of my friends or family.

That was what I was searching for in all my crushes that were nothing more than infatuation. It was a sense of acceptance, love, and genuine understanding. I’m learning now that I have to accept, love, and grow in my understanding of myself before I let anyone into my heart. It’s a process, though, but I’m trying.

What To Take Away

If you’re an INFJ who tends to fall in love easily, it might be time to take a closer look at your life. First, hard as it may be, you have to accept that no one will ever fully understand you, and that’s ok. I don’t even know if you will ever fully understand you. But accepting that is freeing.

It makes you stop trying to search for that understanding in other people. And it helps you remember that, as you grow and learn more about yourself, there might always be things you won’t understand. Instead of fighting that, you accept it as a wonderful mystery. After all, how much fun would life be without a little mystery?

Also take note of what kind of people you usually fall in love with. Are they good people with good hearts or are they selfish people who try to take advantage of you or make you feel small? If you notice a tendency to fall in love with the wrong people, take time to ponder why that might be the case.

This could have to do with a sense of emptiness, but it could also have to do with something else. You may have to search deep for these answers, and that’s not always an easy thing to do. But if you want to stop falling in love so easily, it’s necessary. And remember to seek out professional help if you find that you can’t uncover or recover from everything you need to on your own.

Now it’s your turn. Why do you think some INFJs fall in love or, rather, become infatuated so easily?

~ Ashley C.

P.S. If you’re an INFJ or someone who loves deeply and you would like tips and advice about crushes, unrequited love, and the search for a romantic partner, feel free to join “The INFJ Search for Love” newsletter!

*This may have been my perception of my family at the time, but I know this was too harsh a criticism of them. I always felt loved as a child. But since I was so in love with romantic love, I earnestly wanted a boy to love and accept me. When I believed I had found one, that love overshadowed the love of my friends and family, though he was only a friend himself.

Last updated: June 7, 2024