4 Things I Wish I Knew Before Having My First Crush

Photo by Brigitte Tohm on Unsplash

My first official crush started when I was nine years old. It was on a boy in my fifth grade class. I liked boys before him, but until my crush on him began, I had never felt that strong an attachment to another person.

Unfortunately, he moved away after fifth grade and I never saw him again. But, being an INFJ, my love for him didn’t have to be sustained by his presence in my life. Just recalling him in my mind was enough to keep that love alive for years. That’s how deep INFJ love goes.

While I’ve liked other people since him, I’ve often felt a special yearning for him. I’ve always wondered what would have happened if we had gone to school together for more than one year. What would have happened if I had seen him again somewhere?

Though I’ve finally stopped yearning for him that way, just thinking about him can still bring a smile to my face. But there are a few things I wish I had known before my crush on him began.

1. I will never forget him.

   The yearning I’ve felt for this boy—now man—has often prompted me to search for him. Not only did he move away after fifth grade, but I never officially said goodbye to him. He left school a few days before fifth grade graduation. If I had known that was the plan, I would have said goodbye before and maybe even asked if we could keep in touch. But that’s not how it happened.
   
   This lack of closure left me with a sense that something was unfinished between us. I assumed that not saying goodbye meant we would see each other again. And when life didn’t bring us back together, I decided to try to find him myself.
   
   Unfortunately, as I explain in my post Why Do INFJs Love So Hard?, I haven’t been able to find him. But I’ve spent countless hours trying to.
   
   If, however, I had known I would never forget this boy, maybe I wouldn’t have spent so much time searching for him. I wouldn’t have tried to build up the necessity of seeing him again in my mind. Instead, I would have just accepted that he’ll always be a beautiful memory. That’s how I see him now, and I’m content to see him that way.
   
   Seriously, though, if I do get a chance to see him again, I will ask why he never said goodbye.

2. It will take me many, many years to get over him.

   I’ve been able to live my life without thinking about this boy every moment of every day. But, over the years, his memory has been a constant. And every time I thought I had finally let him go, something would prompt me to yearn for him again.
   
   Maybe I would hear a song that reminded me of our story. Or maybe I would have a dream about him. Something would trigger memories of fifth grade and make me long to see him again. It would make me want to see how he’s changed and what he’s up to.
   
   Those triggers would usually prompt me to search for him. But then the search would prove fruitless and I would move on my with life—until something else made me think of him.
   
   Now I have officially moved on from this unrequited crush. But before I did, I didn’t know that, for INFJs, moving on looks different than it does for other people.
   
   Moving on for an INFJ means an end to pining. It means we’re able to open our heart fully to someone new without secretly hoping our unrequited love returns our affection. In my case, it means not secretly hoping my crush returns to see if we can make a relationship between us work after all these years.
   
   But INFJs don’t tend to let go completely of those they have seriously loved, even if the love wasn’t reciprocal. Still, as long as that deep yearning to have a relationship with this person is gone, we’ve moved on as much as we’re going to.

3. He will inspire many future crushes—often the most painful.

   I don’t know if I would have crushed on all the people I’ve liked over the years if not for this first boy. I noticed early on that I tended to be drawn to people who looked like him.
   
   I think the main reason for this was because I was still longing for my first crush. On various levels, I was thinking, “If I can’t have him in my life, maybe having someone in my life who looks like him will be the next best thing.” The pain these relationships caused is evidence that this was not a foolproof method for choosing crushes. I’m much more mindful of that now.
   
   I can’t tell, though, if I was attracted to people who looked like him because of my love for him or because I just tend to be drawn to features he happened to have. Either way, some of these guys who looked like my first crush ended up causing the most pain.
   
   I’m not going to try to evaluate the various factors that went into this result. All I know is, it’s not a great idea to crush on people just because they look like other people you’ve loved. And, also, make sure you’re drawn to people for reasons that are authentic to you. If you have to go on a journey of self-discovery to figure out what those reasons are, by all means, do so.

4. He’ll always have a special place in my heart.

   This crush was someone who pushed me out of my comfort zone and challenged me to try new things. And maybe it’s because I only knew him for one year or because we were so young, but I don’t have pain associated with that crush as I do with other crushes. All this has given this boy a special place in my heart.
   
   And, really, he always will be a boy in my mind. He’ll always be that ten-year-old boy who made me laugh and willingly answered the incessant questions I would ask him. Yes, I would love to see him again. But even if I don’t, I’ll always cherish the memories I have of him.

I know how hard it can be for INFJs to move on from past crushes. But I’ve found that the best way to do this is to accept that the feelings you had for this person were real and remember all the good times you had together.

Then again, maybe your first crush wasn’t the most pleasant experience. As long as you find something you can learn from it, your feelings weren’t wasted.

Now I turn it to you. As an INFJ, what do you wish you knew before you had your first crush?

~ Ashley C.

P.S. If you’re an INFJ or someone who loves deeply and you would like tips and advice about crushes, unrequited love, and the search for a romantic partner, feel free to join “The INFJ Search for Love” newsletter!

Last updated: July 1, 2024