8 Things INFJs Should Never Do in the Middle of an Unrequited Crush

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

If you’re an INFJ whose love for someone is unrequited, you may be tempted to make some desperate moves. Sometimes your love for this person feels like it’s consuming you, prompting you to do something with all the emotions bubbling inside you.

Whether or not this person knows how you feel, there are healthy and unhealthy ways to deal with your emotions. Here’s a list of eight unhealthy behaviors you should try to avoid.

If you’re an INFJ experiencing unrequited love, you should never…

1. Be the one to make all the effort.

   As mentioned in the Verywell Mind article What Is Unrequited Love?, one common characteristic of this kind of love is the tendency to be the only one reaching out to someone who’s not reaching back.
   
   In the hopes of gaining the other person’s attention, you may text them often just to see how they’re doing, but they never send you a first text. You may send them emails they may or may not respond to, but they never initiate email conversations with you.
   
   Or you may try to chat with them on social media, but you’re the one waiting days or weeks for their response. Meanwhile, they get to live their life blissfully unaware of how much you’re yearning to hear from them.
   
   Avoid this excessive reaching out. It’s ok to send this person a message once in a while, but if you find that they rarely respond or take a long time to respond and never initiate conversations with you, this may not be someone you want to hold onto. Give them a chance to reach out to you. And if they don’t, move on.

2. Devote yourself to this person to unhealthy extremes.

   I’ve heard many a song where the singer promises to be there for someone whenever they need them. In theory, this sounds nice. The idea of someone always being willing to drop everything and run when someone else needs them is touching.
   
   Unfortunately, the reality of this situation can be a nightmare. If you love someone who only makes crazy requests of you once in a while, there’s no real harm there. But if you love someone who’s very needy, you become the equivalent of an emotional on-call doctor.
   
   You never know when they’ll need you or where they’ll need you to be. You never know how far out of your way they’ll ask you to go. And it forces you to put your life on hold every time they call.
   
   Though this can be hard for INFJs who are generous by nature, this is a time you want to establish healthy boundaries. Limit how often you drop everything and run to help this person. Limit how far you’re willing to go for them—both literally and figuratively. And make sure they understand these limits and the consequences of overstepping them.

3. Forget yourself in your efforts to please them.

   This ties into the previous point. If you’re always at the mercy of someone else’s affairs and schedule, that doesn’t leave much time left over for you. And the thing is, even if the person you love isn’t making ridiculous demands of you, you may still feel inclined to give up what you love to please them.
   
   If, for instance, you love someone whose lifestyle is different from yours, you may try to adapt to their lifestyle even if it’s contrary to your nature.
   
   Now, I don’t see a big problem in, say, going vegetarian because the person you love is vegetarian. That could end up being a lifestyle change that contributes to your well-being.
   
   But what if the person you love is a partier, while you’re someone who prefers to stay at home and read a book or watch a movie? To please this person, you may try to force yourself to become a partier.
   
   Since INFJs are introverts who need time alone to recharge, you won’t be able to keep up this pace for long. It will take a toll on your mental and emotional health. (Even virtual parties can be draining.) So, while I believe opposites can attract, I also know that you have to make sure you don’t neglect your needs in your efforts to please someone else.

4. Accept whatever crumbs they throw your way as the only sustenance for your relationship.

   A few returned texts is not a relationship. A few kind words do not equal love. Even if you talk to this person on the phone often, or text each other often, or even if this person has made some kind gestures toward you, this is no replacement for a real relationship based on love, respect, commitment, and trust.
   
   If you’re hoping to have a real romantic relationship with this person someday, you can’t simply accept the crumbs and appear to be satisfied. If you do, the other person may not feel the need to make any more effort to keep you in their life.
   
   And if they know you love them, they may never see a need to return your feelings or even share how they really feel if they like the way things are and if you allow them to continue that way.
   
   We INFJs have a tendency to let our minds run wild when it comes to love. We can take the simplest thing—a smile, an email, a phone call—and turn it into a full-fledged relationship. But remember, as hard as it can be, INFJs should try to use reason when it comes to unrequited love. If someone is not contributing their fair share to a relationship, this is something they shouldn’t take lightly.

5. Tell this person your secrets.

   If your good friend is the one not returning your love, it might be ok to tell that person your secrets. But you definitely do not want someone you don’t already trust to know your secrets. All of them can become weapons in their hands. They can use them to make you feel bad about yourself or to take advantage of you.
   
   There’s also something subconscious that happens when you start revealing secrets to someone. Since INFJs tend to be private people, they typically open up only to those they feel comfortable with.
   
   But to establish a sense of bonding or closeness with someone they like, they may also start revealing secrets—even if the other person isn’t sharing theirs. And for INFJs, every secret revealed is like a piece of themselves they can never get back.
   
   Make sure you guard your secrets like the treasures they are and save them for those who will protect them and share secrets of their own.

6. Let them take advantage of your feelings.

   It can happen that the person you love sometimes or frequently reaches out to you, but only when they need something. This is a huge red flag with flashing neon lights.
   
   You don’t want to be the person someone is always turning to because they need money, a ride, a job, a phone, a place to crash, or someone to complain to. This is not love. This is not even friendship. This is a toxic relationship.
   
   This person is toxic, and you need to cut them out of your life—for your own sanity and emotional well-being. This article from Introvert Spring talks about how to do that.

7. Stalk them.

   If you love someone from a distance, you may be tempted to go to scary extremes to find out everything you can about them. If you find yourself stalking the person you love on social media or in real life, do your best to stop.
   
   Find a hobby or something productive to occupy your time and mind. Catch up with friends and family. And if necessary, seek help from a medical professional.
   
   Not only is stalking unhealthy, but if the person you’re stalking finds out what you’re doing, you can pretty much guarantee that will ruin any real chance you may have had with them.
   
   Still, there is a difference between stalking, on the one hand, and waiting and hoping, on the other.
   
   Say, for instance, you know that the person you like frequents a certain café. I don’t see any harm in going there often, hoping you’ll see them.
   
   But if you choose to do that, one day you’ll have to find the courage to say something to them if they don’t approach you first. Otherwise, you might be missing opportunities for real love because of your attachment to this person. That would be a very sad thing.

8. Settle.

   I’ve said this many times before, but I don’t think I can say it enough. You are valuable. You deserve to be loved by someone who appreciates your value. Don’t settle for unrequited love because you think it’s the only kind you’ll ever get to experience. And don’t settle for someone who only wants you in their life because of what you can give them. Love is a two-way street. That means the love has to flow both ways.
   
   At the same time, don’t give up on unrequited love because it’s not being reciprocated as fast as you’d like it to be. First, ask yourself which type of unrequited love you’re experiencing and then evaluate whether it’s worth it to hold on.

If you find yourself on the loving side of an unrequited love equation, I hope it ends soon, either because your love becomes requited (yay!) or because you find a way to move on—which is also worth celebrating, considering how hard that can be. But as you wait for either of these outcomes, please do yourself a favor and avoid the above-mentioned behaviors. You’ll be forever grateful you did.

And now it’s your turn. Can you think of anything else INFJs should avoid when in the middle of an unrequited crush?

~ Ashley C.

P.S. If you’re an INFJ or someone who loves deeply and you would like tips and advice about crushes, unrequited love, and the search for a romantic partner, feel free to join “The INFJ Search for Love” newsletter!

Last updated: July 1, 2024