Is It Worth Holding Onto an Unrequited Crush?

Photo by Naomi Irons on Unsplash

Not all unrequited crushes are the same. Some of them we might want to let go of, like a crush on someone who’s unavailable.

There are cases, however, where it may be worthwhile to hold onto an unrequited crush. In this post, I’ll elaborate on those types of cases. But, first, let me explain when it’s not a good idea to hold onto unrequited love.

Times To Let Unrequited Love Go

I don’t think it’s a good idea to hold onto a crush on someone in any sort of relationship. It can be really painful to pine after someone like that. And if they really are meant for you, they’ll come find you. They’ll approach you when they’re single.

It might be ok to tell them how you feel, but still make sure to keep your distance. Don’t allow them to be in a situation where they have two partners because they can’t choose between you and the other person. If you must, tell them how you feel, then give them space to make a decision.

Here are some suggestions for moving on:

1. Do activities you enjoy.

2. Volunteer for a charity.

3. Spend time with friends and family.

4. Avoid your crush’s social media.

5. Have a good cry.

6. If necessary, talk with a therapist or counselor.

Additionally, in my experience, it’s not ideal to pine for people you haven’t met yet. Maybe they’re in a different social circle from yours or maybe they’re a seemingly out-of-reach celebrity. Either way, it’s hard to really know someone from that kind of distance.

And if you don’t know them, you can only love the idea of them rather than who they really are. True love is not based on loving the idea of someone.

So, again, if the person is unattached, it’s not a terrible idea to keep crushing on them. But if you’re not going to make a real effort to reach out to them, it might be better for you to save your emotions for someone nearby, someone you can really get to know.

Defining “Unrequited”

Before we get to the cases where holding onto unrequited love might not be a bad thing, let’s first understand something about the word “unrequited.”

“Unrequited” essentially means “not reciprocated.” But nowhere in the definition does it claim that this state of non-reciprocation has to be permanent. You may have feelings for someone who, today, either doesn’t have feelings for you or doesn’t demonstrate any romantic inclination toward you. But tomorrow their feelings may change.

Tomorrow they may see you in a different light. Or tomorrow they may see who they are in a different light.

This is one of the most fascinating things about life. The way we see others can change if we learn to see ourselves differently. Anaïs Nin once said, “We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.” I wholeheartedly concur.

Scenarios Where You Might Want To Hold On

Now that we know unrequited love is not a permanent state, we can look at scenarios where it might be a good idea to hold onto it.

Say, for instance, you have a crush on a friend who hasn’t yet discovered their true identity. But maybe you’re very perceptive. Maybe you can see past the mask they show the world and you’re in love with the real person underneath.

Until they discover their charade, they may not see you as a compatible partner because they’re searching for partners from a place of inauthenticity. But the day may come when they—through a journey of self-discovery or other means—discover who they truly are. Now they’re able to choose a partner suitable for that identity. And that partner may be you.

It’s also possible that the person you love is in love with someone else—someone who’s also failing to reciprocate their feelings. They can’t see what a perfect match you are because they have emotions invested elsewhere.

Later, it may turn out that your love interest’s crush wasn’t right for them. When that person realizes this, they may start to re-evaluate their priorities and find that they want one of those priorities to be you.

What To Take Away

I’ve only given two examples of situations where it might be worth it to hold onto an unrequited crush. But the general principle is this: If the person you love is available and within reach and if your feelings for them are grounded in reality not fantasy, I don’t see a reason not to continue hoping they will someday reciprocate.

But, while you wait, keep in mind these two things.

First, try not to spend all your time thinking or fantasizing about this person or finding ways to make them happy or make them like you. Instead, devote time to doing what you love and discovering new interests.

This person may reciprocate one day, but you don’t know when that day will come. So, in the meantime, make sure you’re filling your life with what makes you happy.

Second, remember that, as much as you may believe this is the right person for you, there may be someone better out there for you. But if you’re stuck on this person, you may miss the better person.

So, just know that you risk missing true love when it comes if you’ve convinced yourself you’ve already found it. Until this person reciprocates, keep your eyes and heart open. But, remember, you're the only one who can make the final decision about what to do with your heart.

Now I turn it to you. Do you think there are times when it’s worth holding onto an unrequited crush?

~ Ashley C.

P.S. If you’re an INFJ or someone who loves deeply and you would like tips and advice about crushes, unrequited love, and the search for a romantic partner, feel free to join “The INFJ Search for Love” newsletter!

Last updated: June 7, 2024