What Are the 3 Types of Unrequited Love?
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There’s some disagreement on exactly how many types of unrequited love there are. But, the way I understand unrequited love, there are really only three types. In this post, I’ll share how I classify them and also offer some advice on what I think you should do if you find yourself in any of these scenarios.
The 3 Types of Unrequited Love and Advice for Each of Them
You love someone who doesn’t know you exist.
Like the other two types of unrequited love I’m going to mention, this one falls on a spectrum. There’s a difference between being in love with a seemingly out-of-reach celebrity and being in love with someone who lives in your building but has never acknowledged your presence.
Either way, this kind of love can be intense. But, oddly enough, of the three types of unrequited love, I find this one the most satisfying.
Because the person you love doesn’t know you, you’re free to fantasize about what it would be like if they did. You’re not restricted by reality, so you can invent your own reality. Since I’m an avid fantasizer, I find this very freeing. I also find this to be the least painful of the three types.My Advice
If you have no intention of telling this person how you feel—and if they’re single—I say fantasize away. But don’t let your fantasies get out of control. And don’t let them keep you from missing opportunities for real love. And keep in mind that when you fantasize about someone, you’re usually idealizing them. People rarely live up to our ideals.
Also remember that if this person enters a relationship, that can be painful for you. If that happens, I would advise you to stop the fantasies.
But if they’re someone within reach, while they’re still single, why not try letting them know you exist? Just have a conversation with them when you can. After you get to know them, you can decide whether you should reveal your feelings to them.You love someone who knows you exist but doesn’t know you love them.
Again, there is a difference between crushing on someone you see once in a while versus having a crush on your best friend who you see or talk to practically every day. But the biggest problem with this particular type of unrequited love is that you feel like you’re living a lie.
You have deep feelings for someone who knows you, but you either don’t or can’t reveal those feelings for any number of reasons—you don’t want to ruin the friendship, you don’t know how they feel about you, etc. It’s never ideal when you can’t be honest with someone or can’t be fully yourself, whether it’s someone you see often or not. Inauthenticity is uncomfortable.
And this type of unreciprocated love can be uniquely painful because, since this person is unaware of your feelings, they may date or talk to you about or even ask your opinion about people they like. That is never fun.My Advice
If you can, tell your crush how you feel. At least then you’ll have a better idea of whether the crush is worth sustaining. Of course, if you tell them, you run the risk of them telling you that they’re not interested in you that way. Hearing that can sting, but it’s better than entertaining unrealistic possibilities.
And, of course, there’s always a chance that they will reciprocate. They may even be grateful that you told them because they were having trouble revealing their feelings to you. But if you’re not yet ready to come clean, you’ll have to content yourself with being in the friend zone.You love someone who knows you exist and that you love them.
For me, this is the most painful type of unrequited love. If you told someone you love them but they said they don’t feel the same way, it’s kind of like wanting to offer someone a gift that they don’t want to accept. Here you have all this love to give this person, but they’re telling you they don’t want it. That’s painful.
But it can also happen that they decide not to make it clear how they feel about you, so you hold onto a possibility of one day having a relationship. They know this, and if they’re not good-hearted, they can use this to take advantage of you, asking you to do things you probably wouldn’t otherwise consider. In this case, knowing your feelings is giving this person too much leverage.
Most good-hearted people will tell you right away or soon how they feel about you once you’ve told them how you feel. If they don’t feel the same way, they’ll probably even try to limit their interactions with you to spare your feelings. A not-so-good-hearted person, however, will not usually be so considerate.
There is an exception to this, though—“nice” people. You know, the kind of people who never want to cause friction or tension, so they avoid talking about real issues. It’s possible that if you tell a “nice” person how you feel, they may not say anything because they don’t want to hurt your feelings.
Oddly enough, that can hurt worse because it leaves things uncomfortably open. Should I hold on or not?, you wonder. Thus, while “nice” people may be good-hearted, they, too, can cause great pain by not sharing how they feel when you reveal your feelings to them.My Advice
Unless you see a real possibility for romance down the road, I would advise you not to feed feelings for someone who knows you love them but either told you they don’t have feelings for you or refuses to tell you how they feel about you.
Speaking from personal experience, this type of love can lead to severe pain and heartache. You can avoid all that by moving on, though I know this can be a challenge. The Verywell Mind article “What Is Unrequited Love?” offers some great advice on how to do this.
Final Thoughts
I consider these to be the three types of unrequited love, accompanied by my thoughts on how I think you should react in each situation. But, ultimately, every person is different and every situation has its nuances. All I can do is give general advice based on what I know. You have to do what feels right to you.
And for the record, I’ve heard that some people consider the love for a former partner to be unrequited love, but I don’t agree. For me, unrequited love has to have never been reciprocated. If you have feelings for an ex who has moved on, I think “no-longer-requited love” would be a better way to describe it. But that’s just my opinion.
Now it’s your turn. How do you classify the types of unrequited love? And how do you think people should handle each one?
~ Ashley C.
P.S. If you’re an INFJ or someone who loves deeply and you would like tips and advice about crushes, unrequited love, and the search for a romantic partner, feel free to join “The INFJ Search for Love” newsletter!
Or if you’re an INFJ who’s looking for a refuge where you’re free to feel all your intense feelings of love while also getting advice on how to handle them, you might want to check out INFJ Crush Corner.
It includes a story about a young woman who’s dealing with the third type of unrequited love presented here—she loves someone who knows how she feels but who hasn’t made it clear how he feels about her. Feel free to click here to learn more.
If you've ever had a crush as an INFJ, you know how intense an experience it can be. INFJ Crush Corner is a place for INFJs to lose themselves in the intensity of INFJ crushes while also getting helpful, in-depth advice on how to deal with them. Below you'll find some of the benefits included when you join. I hope to see you there!
Last updated: December 13, 2024