Why Do INFJs Love So Hard?
Photo by Rosie Kerr on Unsplash
My personality type is INFJ. That means—among other things—that when I love, I love hard. Here’s an example.
When I was in fifth grade, I fell in love with a boy who moved at the end of the school year. But I was still so in love with him that, a year later, I fell in love with another boy who looked just like him. It took me several years to get over that second boy, and I pined for him long after he made it clear that there was no future for us.
As for the first boy, while I have essentially gotten over him—though that, too, took years—I’d be lying if I said I didn’t sometimes wish he had come back. I’m curious to know what might have happened if he had. And sometimes I wonder where he is and how he is and what he’s up to.
Searching for Him
In my post Why Do We Forget Loved Ones Who Aren’t on Social Media?, I mention that I stopped using social media in 2015. (I have tried to go back now and then, but I always feel so overwhelmed that I leave again. Update: As of 2023, I am now using Pinterest, and I find it to be a much healthier atmosphere than other social media sites I’ve used.)
When I was still actively on social media, though, I tried to use it to find this boy—now man—but my efforts were in vain. So, too, were my efforts to find him without it. His name is too common, and in elementary school it didn’t occur to me to ask him questions that would have helped me find him now.
(In my defense, he did say he was going to the same middle school as me. I don’t know when the plan changed to moving permanently.)
The Memories Linger
Now tell me, why am I still even thinking about this boy I knew for one year in elementary school? How many people do that if there was no overtly significant reciprocal connection?
This boy and I were just friends. I had a crush on him, but he didn’t like me that way. Yes, we might have had some fun conversations in school, but we never hung out outside school. And yet, here I am talking about him as if he were the love of my life.
Well, to me, that’s what he was. The fantasy I had in my mind was so strong that I felt I lost the love of my life when I learned he wasn’t coming back. And knowing he had moved didn’t stop me from hoping we would find each other again someday. But why?
The Depth of INFJ Emotions
I know INFJs are perfectionistic. They have deep values and high morals. They don’t really like small talk, but give them a topic they’re passionate about, and you’ll see their gregarious side. There’s a lot more I can say about INFJs, but still, how does this combination of traits lead to intense love?
Maybe it’s because we tend to feel everything deeply, like other people’s emotions. Maybe because love is one of the most powerful emotions—indeed, it’s much more than a mere emotion—INFJs experience love on a level that is almost unfathomable to others.
It’s like, if most people experience love at a normal ocean level, INFJs feel love at the level of the Mariana Trench, the deepest part of the ocean. To me, it’s terrifying to think of just how deep that trench goes. And sometimes it’s terrifying to me to think of how deep my love can go. But it’s also wonderful.
Just as divers probably feel an intense thrill at the prospect of diving in the Mariana Trench, I find it thrilling to think of what it’ll be like when I find my life partner.
The Love of an INFJ
I don’t know for sure why INFJs love so hard. I can only speculate. The important thing is, if you’re an INFJ, embrace your capacity to love. And if you ever have the privilege of being loved by an INFJ…well, brace yourself.
Now it’s your turn. Do you have any experience loving as an INFJ or being loved by one?
~ Ashley C.
P.S. If you’re an INFJ or someone who loves deeply and you would like tips and advice about crushes, unrequited love, and the search for a romantic partner, feel free to join “The INFJ Search for Love” newsletter!
Last updated: July 1, 2024