8 Things I Would Tell My First Crush If I Could See Him Again

Photo by Jess Bailey on Unsplash

When I fell in love with my fifth grade crush, my entire world shifted. I would invent stories about us. I played soccer with him at recess because that’s what he did then.

I thought about him constantly. And my diary from that period is full of what I learned about him as a result of asking him endless questions—which he graciously answered—along with accounts of what he said or did on this or that day and explanations for why I loved him so much.

My fifth grade crush was my first real crush. When I fell in love with him, that was the first time I felt myself go all in with romantic feelings. Before him, I had no idea just how deep INFJ love could go.

I am grateful that, at ten years old, I had the wherewithal to tell him how I felt. (For the record, I met him when I was nine, but I turned ten during the school year.) It took me until the end of the year to find the courage, but I told him. So, he knew I liked him.

Before I told him, though, I learned—through both direct and indirect inquiries—that he didn’t feel the same way about me. But, even if my love was one-sided, I’m glad I told him because he moved at the end of the school year and I never saw him again.

There is still a chance, though, that we will meet again. And if we do, I’d like to tell him at least the following eight things.

8 Things I Would Tell My First Crush

1. I’ve searched for you, but I haven’t been able to find you.

   I find it sad that, as I was asking my fifth grade crush questions about his favorite color and the number of pets he had, I never thought to ask him anything that would help me find him again. I’ve tried various means to search for him, but they’ve all been unsuccessful.
   
   If I had some more useful information about him, it probably wouldn’t be that hard to find him. And I’m sure that if I put significant resources toward finding him, it might still be possible even with the information I have now. But I don’t think it would be worth it. I prefer to believe that if we’re meant to see each other again, we will.

2. I’ve never forgotten you.

   I still have dreams about my fifth grade crush. I still remember his face and his voice and his dimpled smile. And whenever I meet someone new, it doesn’t take me long to start telling the story of how we met and how he left and how I fell in love with someone who looked just like him.
   
   Keeping a diary during the time I knew him also helped solidify his memory in my mind. I know God inspired me to do that. It seems He wanted me to hold onto those memories. I’m sure there are numerous reasons for this, but today I’m thinking about one in particular—whenever I want to smile or cheer myself up, I can just open that diary.

3. You remind me of a time when I was still fully me.

   I mention on this site how I’m on a journey of rediscovery. I’m trying to rediscover the child I was at ten years old. That was the last time I remember being fully me.
   
   And so, when I think of my fifth grade crush, I remember what I was like before I started questioning myself and altering my beliefs because of what other people told me. I remember when my relationship with God was simple and beautiful, not complicated by human rules and rituals.
   
   Sometimes, in my efforts to rediscover that child, I remember the boy I loved in fifth grade. Even after all these years, just thinking of him can bring those feelings of love flooding back to the surface. And those familiar feelings help me remember what the real me was like.

4. You helped me find the courage to take chances.

   When I look back at my ten-year-old self, I see someone who had guts. It took guts for me to play soccer when none of my other friends were playing—except one, who was looking for an alternate recess adventure, it seems.
   
   I would have much preferred to play tag with my other friends, though. But since my crush had invited me to play soccer—in his ten-year-old boy way—I played soccer. And, considering I don’t have any unpleasant memories of playing, it must not have been a terrible experience. But eventually I did go back to playing tag with my other friends.
   
   It also took guts to tell my crush how I felt when I already knew he didn’t like me. I wonder what I thought was going to happen. Did I think he might consider liking me when he knew how I felt? I don’t know. All I know is, I felt compelled to tell him, and I did. So, at least now I don’t have to spend the rest of my life wondering what would have happened if I had told him.
   
   I won’t say that my fifth grade crush gave me the courage to take chances. But he helped me find the courage inside myself to take chances, and I’m thankful for that.

5. I’m grateful for everything you taught me.

   The boy I loved in fifth grade taught me a lot. For instance, he taught me how to make flip books, where you create a rudimentary cartoon with Post-it notes or something like that by drawing a different picture on each page and then flip the pages to make it look like the pictures are moving. I still have at least one of them.
   
   He taught me about myself, too—about the courage I can summon when I find a risk worth taking. And he challenged me in ways I didn’t think ten-year-old boys were capable of.
   
   But one of the most important things he taught me is, not all boys push girls away.

6. Thank you for not pushing me away.

   I have a theory that some of my future crushes kept me at a distance because they could tell I was someone who wouldn’t stand for a superficial relationship. Maybe, even if only unconsciously, they knew I was someone who would want to go all in right away.
   
   And when I say all in, I’m talking emotionally. In my experience, kids and teenagers tend to prefer shallow relationships without too many deep emotions involved. But not me.
   
   Still, for some reason I have never understood, the boy I loved in fifth grade never pushed me away. He answered my questions. He invited me to play soccer with him. He didn’t seem bothered by the excessive attention I paid him. In addition to what I mention in this post, that has helped give him a special place in my heart.
   
   Maybe it never occurred to him to push me away. Maybe we were too young. Maybe he wasn’t aware just how deep my emotions went. Or maybe he simply didn’t mind. Whatever the case, I thank him for not pushing me away.

7. I wonder if I’ve ever crossed your mind over the years.

   So far as I know, my fifth grade crush has never tried to reach out to me. Even so, I sometimes wonder if he’s ever thought of me. I don’t remember if he bought a fifth grade yearbook, but if he did, I wonder if he’s ever revisited it like I have mine. And if he has, did seeing my picture bring back any memories?
   
   Has he had any dreams about me? Did he even give me a second thought after he moved? I don’t know. But if I meet him again, I’d like to ask him.

8. I hope you’ve found happiness.

   If nothing else, I would love to meet my fifth grade crush again because I want to see if he’s happy. I hope he’s happy with where he is in life. Or, if he’s not, I hope he’s on the path to finding happiness.
   
   I don’t know if he’s single or married, if he works for a company or himself, or if he ever became what he spoke of becoming when we discussed careers. But wherever he is and whatever he’s doing, I wish him happiness. Because the memories I have of him have often brought happiness into my life over the years.

Final Thoughts

An INFJ with a crush is someone who has given their whole heart to someone, even if that person never returns the favor. It can be painful to experience this one-sided type of love, but if I’m being totally honest, I don’t regret loving my first crush. In fact, my life would never be the same if I had never fallen in love with that boy in fifth grade.

Now it’s your turn. If your first crush isn’t someone who’s currently in your life, what would you tell them if you could see them again?

~ Ashley C.

P.S. If you’re an INFJ or someone who loves deeply and you would like tips and advice about crushes, unrequited love, and the search for a romantic partner, feel free to join “The INFJ Search for Love” newsletter!

Last updated: June 7, 2024