Lessons I Learned from Unrequited Love

Photo by Alisa Anton on Unsplash

As an INFJ, I don’t know how to turn down the intensity of my love. When I fall for someone, I go all in, even if the love isn’t reciprocated—which has often been the case for me.

But after many years of experience with unrequited love, I’ve learned lessons that have taught me how to be more cautious with my feelings. Here are seven of them.

7 Lessons I Learned from Unrequited Love

1. Kindness does not always equal romantic interest.

   In the past, it was not uncommon for me to fall in love with someone simply because they had been kind to me. Maybe they seemed to be interested in what was going on in my life. Maybe they made me smile when I felt like crying. Or maybe they made me feel seen at a time when I was feeling invisible.
   
   But when I sought more from my relationships with these people, they usually had no more to give. They were just being nice, that was all. I now know that romantic interest has to go deeper. And if a relationship is ever to bloom from it, the interest must be mutual.

2. Sometimes fantasy is better than reality.

   One thing I’ve learned about unrequited love is it can often be the result of loving the idea of someone rather than the real person. This article from Introvert, Dear talks more about this. You may imagine yourself in scenarios with this person that aren’t based on what you know of them in life. You’re imagining what you wish would happen, and what you wish is wonderful.
   
   But the reality may be that you two aren’t compatible because you have different values or because your lifestyles don’t match. Or maybe the other person doesn’t feel any chemistry. In this sense, your fantasies may be better than reality. But you want to find the person who makes reality better than fantasy.

3. It’s not always wise to share your feelings with your love interest.

   As a general rule, I think you should tell the person you love that you love them. But because INFJs have such strong feelings, I’ve found that there are certain situations where it’s better not to come clean.
   
   There are people who, once made aware of how giving INFJs are, will take advantage of that generosity. If an INFJ tells this kind of person that they like them, the person may not share how they feel in return. By leaving things open, they think the INFJ’s strong feelings will prompt them to be even more generous than usual. And this too often proves to be true.
   
   Alternatively, the INFJ’s love interest may tell the INFJ falsely that they like them, also in the hopes of taking advantage of what the INFJ has to offer. Or else they may let the INFJ like them just because they like the feeling of being liked, not because they feel any attraction. (This last situation is far from unique to INFJs, though.)
   
   For these reasons, it’s best for INFJs to share their feelings when they sense that the other person may reciprocate. And, ideally, this person will come clean with their feelings first.

4. No matter how much you do, some people will never reciprocate your feelings.

   This ties into the previous point. To win another person’s affection, an INFJ may go all out to please them. I’ve participated in activities just because my crush asked me to. I’ve gone long distances for a guy I liked. I’ve been there on his big day.
   
   Despite all these efforts, these guys never reciprocated. I now know that true love has to be a two-way street. Both of you should be supporting and willing to make sacrifices for each other. And neither of you should feel like you’re doing all or most of the work.

5. Learn to enjoy the single life.

   The way relationships are portrayed in books, movies, music, and the media makes it seem like there’s something wrong with single people. Sometimes it appears that finding a partner should be our highest aspiration. While I think it’s a wonderful aspiration, we need to do a better job celebrating singlehood, too.
   
   When you’re single, that’s the perfect time to uncover who you really are. Go on a journey of self-discovery. Familiarize yourself with your likes and dislikes. Rediscover old interests and find new ones. Until your partner comes along, enjoy your single life.
   
   Enjoy not having to consult with someone else every time you make a big decision. Enjoy being able to speak openly with any (single) attractive people you meet. And when travel restrictions are lifted, enjoy the freedom to take off on a whim. For INFJs who seek to be as authentic as possible, this should feel natural.
   
   Also remember that some people really are content being single. If you take time to discover who you truly are, you may find that you, too, are one of these people. Or you may get a clearer picture of the kind of person you’d really like for a partner.
   
   Just do whatever you can to embrace your singlehood while you wait to see what comes next.

6. The feelings evoked by the pain of unrequited love make for beautiful art.

   As a songwriter, I’ve written many songs about what I’ve experienced on my search for love. (I haven’t really shared them publicly yet, but hopefully I will someday.) I find it wonderfully cathartic to make something beautiful out of something so painful.
   
   Whether you’re a writer, a painter, a musician, or any other kind of artist, you can use less-than-ideal situations and outcomes to create something wonderful.
   
   And if you aren’t feeling very creative these days, you can always revel in the art of others. That’s one of the many things I love about art. Once it’s released into the world, anyone who resonates with it becomes part of it, and it becomes part of them.

7. Accept when it’s time to move on.

   Inevitably, if an unrequited crush shows no signs of ever being reciprocated, that crush will have to end. Depending on how much you’ve invested into the relationship, this process will be more or less difficult. But, for INFJs, the process will always be hard because of how deep our love goes.
   
   Though it may sometimes feel like an impossible task, it is possible for INFJs to move on from this type of love. But like with many things in life, it all starts with acceptance.
   
   Accept that, for one reason or another, you can’t be with this person, no matter how wonderful your fantasies are and no matter how many of your dreams say otherwise. You have to accept the reality of the situation, painful as that may be. And accept that this is for the best. The right person for you will return your feelings, and your reality with them will be beautiful.
   
   Also accept that, for INFJs, moving on will look different than it does for most people. Any person an INFJ has genuinely loved will always be part of them. And that’s fine. Moving on from an unrequited crush simply frees you to open your whole heart to someone new. It doesn’t mean you have to erase every memory of everyone you’ve ever loved.

Final Thoughts

I hope some of you INFJs out there can find value in the lessons I’ve learned after years of experiencing nonreciprocal love. And even if you’re not an INFJ, I hope you find these lessons useful.

Now I turn it to you. If you’re familiar with this kind of love, do you have any lessons to share?

~ Ashley C.

P.S. If you’re an INFJ or someone who loves deeply and you would like tips and advice about crushes, unrequited love, and the search for a romantic partner, feel free to join “The INFJ Search for Love” newsletter!

Last updated: July 1, 2024