6 Things INFJs Should Keep in Mind When Texting Their Crush

Photo by Laura Chouette on Unsplash

Let’s just set the record straight before we really get into this post. No solid romantic relationship can be sustained through texting or online interactions. Friendships can be maintained this way, especially if they’re long-distance. But if you’re looking for depth in a romantic relationship, texting alone won’t do.

Having said that, in our modern world, sometimes romantic relationships start with mostly texting or online contact. If this is the case, people in general—and INFJs more specifically—should keep in mind the following six things.

1. Don’t panic when your crush doesn’t respond right away.

   Just because someone doesn’t respond minutes after you’ve texted them, it doesn’t automatically mean they hate you, they’re ignoring you, or they’re lying in a ditch somewhere. There may be many reasons why someone doesn’t respond right away, and most of them have nothing to do with you.
   
   They may be busy. They may have gotten distracted. They may have fallen asleep. They may be dealing with something. Their phone might have run out of battery. Or they may have just forgotten.
   
   So, before you dial 911 or file a missing person’s report, just send them another text after a reasonable amount of time has passed. If it’s early in the day, give them a few hours. If it’s late at night, wait until the next day. But whatever you do, don’t panic.

2. Don’t panic when your crush suddenly stops responding.

   Panicking is also not the response you should choose if you’re in the middle of a conversation with your crush and they abruptly stop responding. Again, there could be a million reasons why they stopped.
   
   Don’t assume you said something that hurt their feelings or offended them. Just give them time to respond. Go busy yourself with something else while you wait.
   
   I would say, though, that you might want to wait less time than if they don’t respond right away after a beginning-of-the-conversation text. Wait a few minutes, and if they say nothing, send a message that says something like, “hello?” or “you there?” If they still say nothing, then you can wait a few hours to send another message. Just don’t panic and don’t assume the worst.
   
   But if you really think you might have said something hurtful or offensive, it never hurts to apologize. If they still don’t respond after your apology or a few more messages, it’s safe to say this person has forgotten about you.
   
   I’m really sorry about that, but there’s nothing more you can do. You can’t force this person to respond. Instead, try to find a way to move on.

3. Watch out for habitual non-responders.

   If your crush consistently takes a while to respond to your texts and rarely has real conversations with you—through texting or other means—you can assume this person isn’t interested in you that way. If they were, they would be responding quicker and more frequently.
   
   Don’t waste your time waiting around for this person. Even if your relationship started off with more frequent texts and has only now fizzled, don’t hold out hope that things will improve.
   
   They might, but let the other person show their interest in resuming the relationship first. INFJs can be especially susceptible to waiting around for someone they’ve been texting and who they feel they have a real connection with. It’s only too easy for them to build up that connection in their mind using only the scraps they get in real life.
   
   Don’t let that be you. If the connection is real, let the other person reach out to you. Let them show they’re interested. Otherwise, walk away.

4. Remember that what you perceive as love, your crush may perceive as friendship.

   This is one of the many lessons I learned from unrequited love. You may be texting someone or interacting with them online and you’re sure you feel a mutual connection. They may or may not respond quickly to your messages, but when they do, their responses are funny, profound, or heartwarming.
   
   It seems they’re interested in you and in what you have to say. You’re sure this is love—reciprocal, requited love.
   
   The thing is, some people in this world are just very kind. And they can’t help but be kind in all their interactions. They may not perceive your relationship as anything more than friendship because you’re just talking. They don’t see romance involved, especially if you’re not discussing romantic subjects. And they’re just being themselves while they talk.
   
   To find out how they perceive the relationship, you’re going to have to ask them. The question may not come up naturally and you may never find the “right” moment to bring the subject up. So, you’ll just have to be brave and ask whenever you get the chance.
   
   Ask something like, “So…where do you see this relationship going?” or, the scarier but more direct question, “Do you like me?” And then see what they say. The response you get will probably be similar to one of the possible responses to a love confession.
   
   My only advice is not to ask this question at the start of a conversation. The other person may not get the text or message right away, and every moment that passes as you wait for a response will feel like an eternity. Wait until you know they’re actively responding to you and then ask. And also make sure you’re willing to share the truth about how you feel.

5. Know that if you haven’t met this person in real life, you’re going to have to if you want a real relationship with them.

   While texting a crush can be fun and thrilling, real love can’t be built on that weak foundation. It’s true that people can conceal things in person, but they can conceal so much more when interacting virtually. No matter how well you think you know your crush, you don’t really know them until you meet them in person.
   
   Depending on how you met, this can be more or less scary. For instance, if you’re meeting someone you used to know a long time ago and only recently reconnected with, at least you have a shared history to help break the ice when you first meet—or rather, meet again. That should make the encounter less intimidating.
   
   But if you’re going to meet someone you’ve only interacted with online, it will most likely take a tremendous amount of courage to do so. But it has to be done. And the sooner the better.
   
   Don’t wait to find out just how deep or far this relationship could go. For INFJs who value depth, the shallowness of a texting relationship won’t sustain them for long. Plus, only in real life can INFJs have full access to all their intuitive abilities so they know how they feel about a person and the potential for a relationship with them.

6. Know that you can’t text love.

   People can text you things that make you feel fluttery inside. They can text things that make you smile and laugh. But people can’t text love. Even if they text you the words “I love you,” it’s not the same as hearing them say it in real life.
   
   It’s very easy to text those words, harder to say them, and even harder to mean them. People show love through their actions, which are on fullest display when you see them face-to-face. How they act toward you and around you will show whether their words are sincere.
   
   This is another reason no true relationship can be confined to texting. If you’re in a meaningful relationship and your partner texts that they love you, that’s fine. The words can be texted. But just know that love itself can’t be texted. It must be felt and shown.

I hope it goes without saying that a texting-based relationship should be reserved for the early stages of a relationship. When you want it to become something more substantial, you have to bring your interactions into the real world.

Now I turn it to you. What do you think INFJs should keep in mind when texting their crush?

~ Ashley C.

P.S. If you’re an INFJ or someone who loves deeply and you would like tips and advice about crushes, unrequited love, and the search for a romantic partner, feel free to join “The INFJ Search for Love” newsletter!

Last updated: July 1, 2024