A Lesson in INFJ Rumination

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I once fell in love with a boy I knew a long time ago and then reconnected with after college. But we only talked online and it was clear that we were just friends.

Even so, I felt that our relationship could blossom into a beautiful romance, given time and proper nourishment. Do you know what kept that feeling alive—so much so that it almost consumed me? My inability to think about anything but him.

How It Started

I had very little going on in my life when this reconnection happened. And I only reached out to this boy after seeing him in my dreams. I thought that meant something. I thought someone was trying to tell me something. So, I reached out.

This guy and I had some lovely conversations, but we didn’t talk often. And our talks were infrequent enough to leave me plenty of time to daydream about him and fantasize about what a relationship between us would be like.

The fantasies were wonderful. But they were just that—fantasies. Never did he ever even hint that he wanted to be more than friends. So when, after weeks of endless pining and fantasizing, I finally said I wanted more, what did he say? Well, he left things open—he didn’t give me a yes or a no.

It took me years to figure out that this was his nice guy way of rejecting me. At the time, though, the uncertainty drove me crazy. (I also learned that while it may seem nice not to reject someone openly, that’s probably the worst response you can give when someone acknowledges a desire for a relationship.)

How Rumination Kept Me Stuck

Looking back, I realize that I might have been able to avoid all this if I had been able to think about something else all day. Maybe then I would have acknowledged the reality that there was nothing more than friendship between us. I would have been able to live my life without expecting anything more from him.

I recognize that staying busy might have helped, but even in my busier days before then, I did my fair share of ruminating. This is because ruminating is something we INFJs tend to do excessively.

It’s one of the ways we process all the stimulation and input we receive from the world, though it’s rarely productive when our mind is just turning around in circles. And I find that rumination becomes more intense when we’re thinking about something we really like or want or something we really don’t like or want. For instance, both love and fear cause us to ruminate more than usual.

I tried two of the methods for moving on from an unrequited crush that I mention in this post. I wrote songs about how I felt, and after some time, I told this guy I wanted more from our relationship. But it wasn’t enough. The thoughts kept coming. And I kept tuning into them like I would tune into my favorite show.

Though I did eventually have a good cry over how everything turned out, replacing emotion with reason would have been the tactic that helped me the most after this guy left things open. Actually, that would have been useful even before I confessed.

I wasn’t ready for his non-response. I was ready for an acknowledgement that he, too, wanted more. I thought maybe that was why he often took so long to respond—he was trying to find a way to tell me how he felt.

But even a polite rejection would have been appreciated. It would have stung initially, for sure, but it still would have been better than not knowing the truth about how he felt.

Trouble Moving On

So, what did I do instead of moving on from someone who was obviously indifferent? I started ruminating about why he left our relationship open. Why couldn’t he just say yes or no? What was keeping him from being more decisive? Didn’t he know the torment his indecision put me through?

Evidently not. He was a nice guy. And nice guys tend to avoid conflict by avoiding doing or saying anything that might hurt someone’s feelings. Theoretically, this is a good practice. But sometimes the nice thing is to let someone’s feelings be hurt.

I’m sure I would have gotten over him much sooner if he had given me a definite “no.” Instead, he gave an indecisive answer to a girl without much to occupy her time and who was prone to ruminating. This left me with a hope that would not be quenched. And that hope led to more ruminating.

As soon as I saw that our relationship was mostly one-sided—I was the one doing the bulk of the communicating—I should have walked away. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. And even though that story has a very painful conclusion, I can’t say I’m completely sorry it happened. After all, I did get some good songs out of it.

And I have forgiven this person for his indecision. He couldn’t help being himself. Also, I know that he wasn’t being vague because he was trying to take advantage of my generosity. He was just being “nice.”

What I Learned

This experience, along with many others, taught me a lot about how to handle unrequited crushes. Now I can help others handle or move on from their own. And now I’m very passionate about being clear with your response when someone tells you they like you or they want a relationship with you. It’s why I tell you to watch out for the “nice” response to a love confession.

Additionally, I know now that, while being busy can help you get your mind off things, it depends on what you’re busy doing. If you’re prone to ruminating, you have to be busy doing something that requires the full use of your mind.

Cleaning, for instance, isn’t as good a distraction as something like writing a story or making a book from scratch. If your mind can wander while you’re doing an activity, that activity won’t be useful as a distraction. And practicing mindfulness can help you stay in the moment rather than being pulled in whatever direction your mind wants to take you.

Now it’s your turn. If you’re an INFJ, do you have any lessons you’ve learned from excessive ruminating?

~ Ashley C.

P.S. If you’re an INFJ or someone who loves deeply and you would like tips and advice about crushes, unrequited love, and the search for a romantic partner, feel free to join “The INFJ Search for Love” newsletter!

Last updated: July 1, 2024