How Can an INFJ Deal With Unrequited Love?

Photo by Jess Bailey on Unsplash

I think it’s inevitable for INFJs to experience unrequited love at least once in their lives. Because we spend so much time in our heads, when we find someone who intrigues us romantically, it’s only natural for us to fantasize about them even when we don’t know how they feel about us. Those fantasies fuel unrequited crushes.

Since I don’t believe unrequited love is always something we need to walk away from, I’m offering this advice to INFJs who find themselves in the middle of an unrequited crush.

5 Tips to Help INFJs Deal With Unrequited Love

1. Don’t avoid your crush.

   This will more than likely intensify your feelings for them and not in the way you might want. The more you avoid your crush, the more you don’t get to know them personally, causing you to build up the idea you have of them in your head.
   
   And the more you build up this idea of them, the less likely you are to find satisfaction with the real person even if they do one day reciprocate.
   
   You definitely don’t want to spend every spare moment you can with your crush, but don’t go out of your way to avoid seeing them. If you want to get to know the real person, you’re going to have to get to know them in real life.

2. Try not to be too obvious around them.

   One reason INFJs may try to avoid their crush is because they’re afraid they’ll be too obvious with their feelings when they’re around them.
   
   I know I tend to become way more attentive when my crush is speaking. I also might laugh more and talk more. And if I’m around other people when this happens, it will probably be evident to them—and maybe even my crush as well—how I feel about him.
   
   Other INFJs may get shy around their crush. The emotions they feel for them may overwhelm their ability to speak. Or they may want so badly to please this person that they avoid doing or saying anything they think might be misinterpreted.
   
   If the INFJ in question is not normally shy, those who know them will be able to take this as a sign that they have special feelings for this person. This could ruin any hope of hiding this crush until they’re ready to come clean. And the person in question could mistake their timidity for indifference.
   
   So, what should you do to avoid being too obvious around your crush? Be mindful of how you interact with them in public. Be conscious about not speaking too much or too little. Take the time to get to know them, but don’t ask incessant questions. And give them a chance to ask you questions.
   
   Even if you don’t tell your crush how you feel out loud, your behavior and body language can speak volumes. And if your crush is not a good-hearted person, they may take advantage of your feelings.
   
   This is true for people in general. But for INFJs specifically it’s best that your crush doesn’t know how you feel until you’re ready to tell them. And that leads to…

3. If you can, tell your crush how you feel.

   If your crush doesn’t already know how you feel about them, tell them as soon as you feel it’s safe to do so. I’m passionate about INFJs not being too forthcoming with revealing their feelings to a crush.
   
   The reason for this is simple. Most people don’t love as deeply as INFJs do. And because of the generous nature of INFJs, it’s all too easy for unkind people to take advantage of us when they know we like them. All they have to do is leave things open or pretend to like us back.
   
   INFJs already have a tendency to give too much, and this tendency can become worse when romantic love is involved.
   
   So, again, if you feel it’s safe to come clean with your feelings, go ahead and do that. It will be a relief to tell someone you know you can trust with that kind of information. But if you find that this person cannot be trusted with your feelings, you should probably try to move on.

4. Express your emotions creatively.

   While creativity can help INFJs move on from an unrequited crush, it’s also a great way to deal with your emotions when you’re in the middle of one.
   
   Write a story where what you would love to see happen actually happens. Or write a poem or a song expressing how you feel. Or use an art form to get your feelings out, whether it’s a dance, a painting, or a piece of pottery. Even journaling can help you release your emotions.
   
   The key is to find some way to release them so they’re not bottled up inside you. When you let your powerful feelings of love build up, they can lead you to do desperate, unhealthy, or out-of-character things. One way to avoid this is to make sure you have a creative outlet for those feelings.
   
   (While talking about your feelings can help, you don’t want to bother your friends and family with too much detail about your latest crush. Trust me, they have only so much patience for topics like this.)

5. Be honest with yourself.

   When in the middle of an unrequited crush, I have been known to deny my true feelings even to myself. I’ve had different reasons for doing this over the years, but regardless of the reasons, my denial tended to result in only one thing—stronger feelings.
   
   Denying your feelings is not a healthy way to deal with your unrequited crush. Denial will only cause your feelings to fight harder for expression—which can, again, result in desperate or out-of-character actions.
   
   I’ve found that logic tends to be more effective than denial when it comes to unrequited love. When you use logic, you don’t deny your feelings, but you’re honest with yourself about the situation.
   
   You ask yourself questions to better understand whether this is a crush worth holding onto. This helps calm all your intense emotions much better than pretending they don’t exist.
   
   In sum, when you find yourself in love with someone who doesn’t love you back, give yourself the freedom to feel all those feelings. But try not to silence your brain completely as you feel them.

Final Thoughts

Unrequited love is definitely not one of the preferred types of love to experience. I imagine that the great hope of all unrequited lovers is for their love to one day be returned.

If you’re an INFJ with an unrequited crush, take heart in knowing that unrequited love doesn’t have to be a permanent state. But also remember that, because your love is so strong, you have to be careful when dealing with the unrequited variety.

Now I turn it to you. How do you think INFJs should deal with unrequited love?

~ Ashley C.

P.S. If you’re an INFJ or someone who loves deeply and you would like tips and advice about crushes, unrequited love, and the search for a romantic partner, feel free to join “The INFJ Search for Love” newsletter!

Last updated: July 1, 2024