What Does Unrequited Love Feel Like for an INFJ?

Photo by Joyce McCown on Unsplash

I have a lot of experience with unrequited love. In fact, as I mention in my post “Why Is It So Easy for Some Women to Find Love While Others Struggle?,” I’m better acquainted with unrequited love than I am with requited love.

But as an INFJ, even when my love isn’t reciprocated, I love intensely. This can lead to complicated and confusing emotions. So, what exactly does unrequited love feel like for an INFJ?

A Taste of INFJ Unrequited Love

The best way to describe this feeling would be for me to quote directly from a journal entry I wrote years ago when I was in the midst of an unrequited crush. Even though I say I loved this boy “like a brother,” I remember vividly that my feelings for him were far from sisterly.

I think I may have a problem. I have a friend…but I love him. Like a brother, I think. But, ever since I saw him at the movies…I’ve been having unbelievable daydreams, fantacies [fantasies], and real dreams about him. Like, I imagine…him holding my hand, him putting his arm around me, just stuff like that. I don’t think any of this could happen in real life, but the dreams have to come from somewhere. They might be represed [repressed] feelings, but how could this be possible?

Repressed feelings. That’s how unrequited love feels for an INFJ. It’s like Freud 101. For INFJs who long for romance, their overwhelming longings can result in indescribably wonderful fantasies about love. Everything they repress can be expressed inside their mind, whether they dream during the day or at night.

Sorting Through the Feelings

In that entry, I mention wondering how it could be possible that I had any repressed feelings for this guy. I thought he had a crush on one of my friends and he was just beginning a new chapter in his life. So, what business did I have daydreaming about him?

I wonder, though, if I meant they were repressed feelings for him or repressed feelings of love in general. Maybe I was so deeply longing for love that I chose him as the object of my affections. Maybe I didn’t think he was the right person for me to love, but he was the closest to what I was looking for (or so I thought), so I couldn’t help myself. I let myself love him. And I fantasized about him in an attempt to fulfill unfulfilled desires—desires I didn’t think I’d have the chance to fulfill with him in real life.

Another complication is, you can see that I tried to convince myself that I loved him like a brother. But I’m sure I was aware even at the time that I was not seeing him as a brother in those fantasies I had of him.

I was in denial. I didn’t think it was right for me to love him as anything more than a brother, especially since I wasn’t allowed to date back then (this was in eighth grade). And yet, it was clear that ever since I saw him at the movies, I was lost in his world.

I still remember that day relatively clearly. I had gone to see a movie with a female friend, and we happened to see this guy as he was leaving the same auditorium. Apparently, he had gone to see the same movie on the same day as us, at the same time as us. But I didn’t spot him until we were leaving.

At this point, we were friends, but I hadn’t seen or heard from him in a while. So, seeing him again, somewhat older and more mature, filled me with a flood of emotions. I didn’t want to believe I was in love with him because of all the obstacles in our path—we were in different grades, we went to different schools, I thought he liked someone else, and I wasn’t allowed to date. But it was too late. I was in love.

Learning to Let Go

This guy is the same one I mention in my post “Why Can’t Real Life Be More Like the Movies?” As I say there, our story has a sad, inconclusive ending. But that’s ok. If we had been meant to be together, it wouldn’t have ended that way. I wholeheartedly believe that.

As INFJs, we have to be very selective about where we place our hearts. Because our love is so deep and intense, not just anyone can handle it. So, if you find yourself in an unrequited love situation, make sure you take time to think about it objectively.

I know that’s hard because the last thing we INFJs want to do when it comes to love is be objective or rational. We want to be free to feel what we feel and go all in right away. But as someone who has fallen in love with the wrong guy time and time again, I can see more clearly how important it is to love someone you can trust with your whole heart.

This is true for everyone, but it’s especially true for INFJs because we love so hard. It may just be that the reason your love is unrequited is because this is not the person for you. Since you, as an INFJ, love to do deep thinking, take some time to ponder that in all your ruminations.

I know it can be hard to let go of someone you’ve built up in endless fantasies and daydreams, but believe me when I say it’s better to let go before you have too many feelings and emotions involved. This article from Introvert, Dear offers great advice for dealing with the risks of infatuation.

And, again, all of this is a maybe. Maybe that person isn’t right for you. But then again, maybe that person is just afraid to share how they feel. In that case, try to create a safe space for them to share their feelings. Or, if you’re feeling especially bold, tell them how you feel—but, again, only after you’ve seriously considered whether this person can handle your brand of love.

What to Take Away

If you’re an INFJ who’s in the middle of an unrequited crush, you know about the wonderful, confusing emotions fluttering inside you that you wish you had some way to express. I’m a firm believer in telling the person you love that you love them. In fact, that can be a great way to move on from unrequited love. At the same time, though, don’t forget how deep INFJ love goes.

And please do me a favor and don’t waste your emotions on someone who can’t appreciate them. If your love is unrequited because you’re afraid to tell someone how you feel, make sure to observe their behavior toward you before you come clean.

Do you have to struggle to get their attention? Does their focus seem to be elsewhere when they’re talking to you? Are you in different places in your life? These things matter. But at the end of the day, you’re the only one who can decide what you do with your heart.

Now it’s your turn. If you’re an INFJ, what does unrequited love feel like for you?

~ Ashley C.

P.S. If you’re an INFJ or someone who loves deeply and you would like tips and advice about crushes, unrequited love, and the search for a romantic partner, feel free to join “The INFJ Search for Love” newsletter!

Last updated: July 1, 2024