Why Do INFJs Push Themselves So Hard?
Photo by Candice Picard on Unsplash
INFJs are known to be perfectionists. As an INFJ, I know what it feels like when perfectionism gets the best of you.
Past Perfectionism
In middle school, I made videos of myself practicing songs on the piano. I would become so overwhelmingly angry when I couldn’t play a piece perfectly that it actually pains me to watch those videos now. I was so hard on myself, and there was no reason for me to be.
In high school and college, I sacrificed health and sleep to finish projects and assignments to my standards. The phrase “good enough” didn’t exist in my vocabulary. And it didn’t help that I was in a specialized program in high school where A’s were necessary to fulfill some of the requirements.
After college, instead of taking time to rest and recover, I kept pushing myself, whether it was with exercise, self-imposed deadlines, or unrealistic expectations about what I needed to accomplish.
And even after experiencing the inevitable burnout that resulted from this behavior, I still didn’t stop pushing. It was as if my value was tied to what I produced. The way I saw it, if I wasn’t producing—particularly if I wasn’t producing to my standards—I wasn’t valuable.
I know that’s an erroneous mindset. So, where did it come from?
My Theories on INFJ Perfectionism
I find that part of the INFJ struggle with perfectionism comes from a lack of balance. As INFJs, though we have many gifts, balance doesn’t tend to be one of them.
We overthink. We overanalyze. We overempathize. We’re overly self-critical. And we’re over-giving—of our time, our attention, and ourselves. As people who have a tendency to overdo things, it’s understandable how being overly perfectionistic comes easily.
Our overvaluing of what we produce and undervaluing of ourselves as producers also comes from the way we view life. INFJs are not inherently pleasure-seekers or people who aim to take all we can from life.
Instead, we realize we’re here for a purpose, which we wholeheartedly wish to fulfill. And we realize that purpose involves adding to life, not taking from it. And so we may feel that, the more we produce, the more we’re adding.
But then we take it to an extreme and start to feel that if we’re not using every waking moment—even some stolen from time that should be used for sleeping or resting—to produce everything we can, we’re not doing enough. We’re not adding enough. We’re not using our life productively.
But, of course, these are all lies we tell ourselves. It has taken me a long time to realize this, but merely by existing, our lives have value. I believe we’re all children of God, so He is the one who gives us value. It’s not how much you do or how perfect you try to be that gives you value. You’re valuable because you exist.
Applying This Understanding of Value
What does this mean? It means it’s ok to do nothing once in a while. It’s all right to take breaks while you work. It’s fine to relax. It’s ok to have fun. It’s all right to save something for tomorrow so you can sleep. In fact, these things are not only permissible—they’re essential if you want to live a full life.
Yes, sometimes we have deadlines and things that have to get done at a certain time. But too often we sacrifice health and sleep to get those things done, especially in a way that meets our standards—standards that tend to far exceed what is expected or asked of us. And more often than not, the result is not worth the sacrifice.
Even if you don’t finish that assignment on time, even if that project doesn’t meet your high standards, even if someone is disappointed by the quality of your work—it doesn’t change your value.
Remember that the next time you’re tempted to proofread an email for the fifteenth time or beat yourself up over a bad grade or what you said to your coworkers a few days ago—or a few years ago. Your true value doesn’t lie in what you produce. It lies in you.
Now it’s your turn. Why do you think INFJs push themselves so hard?
~ Ashley C.
Last updated: June 23, 2022