How Can I Build My Sense of Self-Worth?
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I know what it’s like to struggle with feelings of low self-worth. As someone of the INFJ personality type, which is considered one of the rarest personalities in the Myers-Briggs system, I know what it’s like to feel as if society wants me to be different than I am.
As I’ve tried to alter who I am to fit society’s standards, I’ve had to deny my true self. This denial has led to a reduced sense of self-worth—when it seems that my innate gifts and values aren’t appreciated and that being my authentic self isn’t enough to earn approval.
But to really thrive in life, it’s helpful to truly believe that we are worthy of good things, like reciprocal love, fulfilling relationships, and happiness. That’s where having a strong sense of self-worth comes into play.
You don’t have to be an INFJ to relate to the struggle to develop a strong sense of self-worth. In fact, you don’t have to ascribe to the Myers-Briggs philosophy at all. But if you have had issues with feelings of unworthiness, here are four ways you can work on changing that.
4 Ways to Increase Your Sense of Self-Worth
Let go of beliefs that don’t serve you.
All of us have beliefs we’ve picked up over the years, and these beliefs essentially run our lives. These can be beliefs about what a fulfilling life looks like, how much money we’re capable of making, and what it means to be of a certain gender.
But beliefs aren’t facts. They’re thoughts that we’ve come to accept as facts. And we’re free to change our beliefs any time we want to. This is useful when we find that they’re not helping us make progress in life or when they’re, in fact, hindering us from making progress.
Say, for instance, that you don’t like your job. You may stay there because you believe you have to in order to pay your bills. But while money is essential in this world we live in, who told you that you had to stay in a job you don’t like to make money?
There are thousands of ways to make money. Don’t you think it would be a valuable use of your time to find a way to make money that you actually enjoy? If you do, you might find it helpful to believe that you can earn money doing something you like doing.
Or say that you have a crush on someone and you’re hoping that it turns into something more. The problem is that the other person doesn’t treat you with the dignity and respect you deserve. It might be time to let that crush go so you can find someone who will value you. But if you don’t believe you’re worthy of reciprocal love, releasing that belief might be necessary before you can let go of your crush.
When you hold onto beliefs that don’t serve you—at least not in a positive way—you end up holding onto people and things that don’t serve you. And holding on continues to feed the belief that you’re not worthy of better or more.
So, start by releasing that unhelpful belief because you are worthy of better and more. And then go ahead and prove it to yourself by releasing whatever other beliefs you find aren’t serving you. (By the way, you can use the active voice in your head to remind yourself of your worthiness, which is something I talk about here.)Go after what you want.
People may be reluctant to go after what they really want because of fear. This fear can be even stronger when going after what you want requires you to live a life that is so in contrast with what society tells you to want. Or when going after what you want requires you to become someone new—a more authentic version of you, but a version that you’re not used to showing and that others aren’t used to seeing.
When you find yourself trying justify why you shouldn’t do what you really want to do or go after what you really want, you have to understand that this is fear masquerading as logic and reason. To push past this fear, you might find it helpful to know where it’s coming from.
What exactly are you afraid of? Are you afraid of disappointing those closest to you? Are you afraid of what other people will think of you? Are you afraid of looking foolish? Are you afraid of not being perfect?
When you look at what the real fear is, you can start to challenge it. And you might find it helpful to make this your new mantra: “So what?” As in, “So what if I disappoint other people? Isn’t it worse to disappoint myself by denying myself my true desires?”
Or, “So what if I look foolish or don’t get things perfect the first time? At least I’m trying new things and having fun along the way. That’s better than living a boring, monotone existence.”
What you really want to ask yourself is, do you want to spend your life trying to please other people and avoid their judgments? Or do you want to live a life that’s so fulfilling to you that all you care about is how much you’re enjoying yourself?
When you refuse to go after what you want, you’re telling yourself that you’re not worthy of what you want. Flip that idea on its head by pushing past fear and pursuing your true desires.Make time for healing.
It’s very easy to go throughout life without taking the time to heal from whatever we need to heal from, whether it be heartbreak, trauma, or anything else. Healing can take time. And with the hustle and bustle of fast-paced society, we don’t always make the time to do what’s necessary to heal.
But if you allow yourself the time and space that you need to heal—whether it be physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually—you’re showing yourself that you’re worthy of being the best version of yourself.
If you would like advice on where to start your healing journey, I would suggest the book The Mountain Is You by Brianna Wiest. It’s a great book about how to heal whatever needs healing, and it makes it very clear how not healing can lead to self-sabotage, which can prevent us from moving forward in life.
It’s also worth noting that the more you do things like hold onto beliefs that don’t serve you (see #1) and neglect making time for yourself (see #4), the more your health will be affected.Make time for you.
If you haven’t been in the habit of doing things just for fun, to increase your sense of self-worth, you might want to start incorporating more things you enjoy into your life.
If you’re like me and find that you have strong people-pleasing tendencies (this is common for INFJs), you know how easy it can be to focus more attention on pleasing other people and meeting their needs than on making time to do what makes you happy. Society also tends to encourage us to put more emphasis on productivity than on taking time to just enjoy life.
So, if you can, take a moment to look at how you spend your time each week. How many of your activities are you doing just to please others? How many of them are obligations or necessities? And how many of your activities are you doing for fun? How many do you find draining? How many do you find energizing or reviving?
If you find that most or all of your activities are draining, done to please others, or done to meet obligations, you’re not doing your sense of self-worth any favors. Your actions are essentially saying, “I don’t deserve to take the time to enjoy my life.”
You might also be in more of a survival mode where you actively focus on only essential activities and leave out everything or almost everything else. There are times when this kind of mode is necessary to get things done, but it should be temporary.
If you’ve been in this kind of mode for a while, it’s likely that you don’t see how you could ever make time for fun things. You may have even forgotten how to have fun or what actually makes you happy.
When this happens, try to remember that life is meant to be enjoyed. It’s not meant to be all work and no fun. We’re supposed to have balance, at least on some level. And you don’t have to do big, extravagant things to enjoy life either. Simple things like sipping a cup of tea (or tisane), going on long walks, or talking to a friend can do wonders.
As an example of how you can make more time for you, you can say no to something you don’t want to do and aren’t obligated to do so you can enjoy some alone time or spend time reading or painting or traveling or doing something else that’s fun for you. And if you choose to do this, just do it and don’t apologize for it. Don’t apologize for doing what makes you happy.
If you’re a people-pleaser, you may be reluctant to disappoint others by saying no in this way. But when you make others’ happiness your priority, you end up disappointing yourself. So, do your sense of self-worth a favor and make your happiness a priority.
And if you really find that you don’t have time in your schedule to have fun, it might be time to lighten your load. Ask for help. Delegate. See if a friend or family member can carry some of your burden for you. Don’t let your plate become so overloaded that you can’t make time to do things you enjoy.
Life isn’t about how productive or efficient you can be. It’s meant to be savored. So, don’t make the mistake of thinking you can’t ask for help when you feel overwhelmed or overburdened. Make your needs known. Speak up for yourself.
It might seem scary to ask for help. But when you feel empowered to take charge of your life this way, you’re signaling to yourself that, yes, you are worthy of having the time and freedom to enjoy yourself. Because you are worthy of that.
And if you don’t feel worthy for some reason—if you feel that you even deserve to be overburdened and have no right to ask for help—you might want to ask yourself why and go back to the healing work from #3. Because healing your sense of self-worth is an essential form of healing.
Final Thoughts
I talk about increasing your sense of self-worth because your self-worth or inherent value doesn’t ever change. You’re valuable because you exist. It has nothing to do with what you do or how much you accomplish. Your existence gives you your value.
But your sense of your self-worth can diminish depending on how much you let others convince you that your value is tied to anything besides your existence. And so, if you struggle with feelings of unworthiness, I hope these four suggestions help you tap into your inner sense of worthiness. And I also hope they help you live life to the full.
Now it’s your turn. How do you think people can work on building their sense of self-worth?
~ Ashley C.
Note: The advice presented here is for informational purposes only. If you’re in need of professional counseling or therapy, please see a qualified professional.
Last updated: December 17, 2024
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