Why Would an INFJ Become Scared of Love?

INFJs may become scared of love for the same reasons anyone else would. But there are also some reasons that are more unique to INFJs. In this post, we’re going to look at both.

5 Reasons an INFJ Might Become Scared of Love

1. They’ve been hurt a lot.

   This is a reason anyone would become scared of love, so it’s definitely one that would be true of INFJs. If an INFJ has experienced a lot of unrequited love or heartbreak after relationships ended, they may have become hardened to the idea of love or cynical about it.
   
   They know what it’s like to go through the pain they’ve experienced and they don’t want to experience it again. So, what you see as a tough exterior or a lot of emotional walls are really just someone afraid of getting hurt again. This can happen even if an INFJ has been hurt a lot in life in general, not necessarily in romantic matters.
   
   In this situation, an INFJ may only be willing to allow themselves to fall in love if they know it’s a sure thing. But that’s the thing about love. There are no sure things. When you start crushing on someone new or when you start a new relationship, you can’t know beforehand what the outcome will be. All you can do is dive in and hope for the best.
   
   But you should also allow any lessons you learned from past heartbreak to give you a better sense of where to place your heart next time.

2. They’re afraid of getting hurt.

   This one can also be true of anyone, but because INFJs tend to be worry-prone, it might affect them even more significantly. An INFJ may not have been hurt often or ever in heart matters, but they may have seen others get hurt and conclude that they don’t want to go through that.
   
   They may not feel strong enough to endure the pain that results from the end of a relationship or unreciprocated crush. They may have thought about the pain so much that all they can think about is the possibility of that crush or relationship ending. When they’re so focused on that, they can’t free up enough mental space to think about all the beautiful emotions and experiences that come with being in love.
   
   INFJs who want love but are afraid of it for this reason might want to consider using their vivid imaginations to think about all the wonderful aspects of love and relationships. And they also shouldn’t underestimate their ability to recover from heartbreak should they have to experience it.
   
   I’ll admit that moving on after heartbreak can be harder for INFJs than for others, so I understand the desire to minimize the likelihood of experiencing it. But, as a hopeless—or hopeful—romantic, I can’t help but think love is worth the risk.

3. They’re afraid of being disappointed.

   INFJs can have extraordinarily high expectations for everything in life and that includes expectations for what they want in a partner. They may have spent so much time daydreaming about their ideal partner that now they’re afraid no human will ever be able to live up to those dreams.
   
   It’s true that no human will ever be able to live up to the idealistic expectations we have of them. But real love is always better than fantasy love. Finding the right partner isn’t about finding someone who will check all the boxes on the list of requirements we have for them. It’s about finding someone who’ll love and value us—someone who’ll complement us—someone who’ll bring out the best in us (more on this in #4).
   
   If you’re looking for perfect, I’m sorry to say that you’ll always be disappointed. But if you open your heart to the possibility of love, you may just find an imperfect person who’s just right for you and who surprises you in ways you never could have imagined.

4. They’re afraid of getting lost in their partner.

   INFJs thrive on authenticity. If an INFJ has put significant time and energy into discovering their true identity, they may be afraid that entering a relationship with someone will cause them to lose their authentic self.
   
   The thing with relationships is that they should actually help you feel more authentic, not less. The ideal is to find a partner who brings out the best in you, as I mentioned in #3. Since we INFJs already put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be the best version of ourselves, it’s nice for us to have a partner who helps us access our best qualities more easily.
   
   It’s also nice for us to have someone who loves us for who we are so we don’t feel so much pressure to be perfect and who reminds us to take time for self-care. Since self-care tends to be on the back burner for INFJs, it’s wonderful to have someone who will move it to the front when necessary. And, really, only when we INFJs care properly for ourselves can we be fully and completely authentic.

5. They’re afraid of losing a friendship.

   In this post, I talk about why some INFJs prefer to stay just friends with people they like rather than start a romantic relationship with them. Some INFJs may become scared of love because they don’t want to lose or ruin the beautiful friendship they already have with someone they care about. Since INFJs tend to have only a small group of friends to begin with, losing even one is significant.
   
   But if an INFJ wants love, they might just have to find the courage to push past this fear and take a chance on a romantic relationship. Even if things don’t turn out the way they wanted, they and their friend might still be able to get back to a good place. And at least they won’t have to spend the rest of their life wondering, “What if…?”
   
   (If you’re an INFJ struggling to confess your feelings to a friend, this post might help.)

Final Thoughts

If you’re an INFJ who has become scared of love and you’d like to get over that fear, you’ll have to do some introspection to find out what’s causing it. And once you find the cause, you can start searching for the best solution.

You can use the advice in this post as a starting point, but to really get to the root of your fear, you’ll probably have to go deeper than I’ve gone here.

If there’s an INFJ in your life and you sense you two have a connection but for some reason they’re rejecting your efforts to start a relationship, it could be because they’ve become scared of love, which is causing a head and heart conflict. The best way to ease their mind would be to be consistent and patient with them.

Show them you love them and that you can be trusted. Do this, and you may find their heart slowly begin to open toward you. And then watch out, because once it’s open, there’s a good chance they’ll dive in headfirst.

Now I turn it to you. Why do you think an INFJ would become scared of love?

~ Ashley C.

Last updated: July 1, 2024