Why Do Some INFJs Prefer to Stay Friends Over Starting a Romantic Relationship?

Photo by Cath Smith on Unsplash

I’ve recently discovered something. There are several INFJs out there who prefer to stay just friends with others even when they have romantic feelings for them.

As a hopeless romantic, this is a foreign concept to me. I would much rather be romantically involved with someone I liked over staying in the friend zone. But I always like to hear and consider other perspectives, so this concept intrigued me.

Based on what I’ve found and figured out on my own, here are five reasons why INFJs would prefer to stay in the friend zone.

5 Reasons Some INFJs Prefer to Stay Just Friends

1. It’s easier.

   It’s true that romantic relationships are hard work. It’s much easier to stay just friends with someone rather than complicate the friendship with dating and all the responsibilities and expectations that come with it.
   
   If an INFJ prefers to just chill, relax, or hang out with someone, it’s much easier to do that as friends. They don’t have to think about impressing or pleasing this person, and there are no nerves or fluttery feelings to worry about.
   
   Well, the INFJ with the crush may feel them, but they’re not acting on them, which means they’re not interfering as much as if they were known by the other person. So, it makes sense that the INFJ would prefer to keep things simple and relaxed rather than disrupt the good thing they have going.
   
   And if the other person also likes things simple and relaxed, they’ll welcome the INFJ’s company in this setting.

2. It’s more comfortable.

   Comfort. What comes to mind when you think of comfort? Warm blankets? House clothes? An entire room operated by remote control? We humans do love our comfort, don’t we?
   
   When you’ve found something that you’re comfortable with, odds are you’re going to want to hold onto it tight and be very upset if you have to let it go. For INFJs with a friendship they value, that’s a comfort that can be hard to part with.
   
   We all know change is an inevitable part of life. But because most of us have a fear of change on some level, we like to try to control as much as we can so changes either don’t happen or they happen in our favor. (Just so you know, this is largely an illusion. Change is unpredictable, and there are only so many things we can control.)
   
   In this case, however, an INFJ who’s comfortable with their friendship will have no desire to see it change. Since it’s up to them whether they want to risk disrupting this comfort by confessing, they may choose to stay quiet about their feelings instead.

3. It’s less stressful.

   The best relationships in life are those that reduce more stress than they add. Healthy romantic relationships shouldn’t be stressful. But as long as humans are involved, some stress is to be expected.
   
   I find this is especially true in the beginning stages of a relationship. This is when you’re trying your hardest to impress the person you like while getting to know them on a deeper level. It’s also when the intense flutters of love make you more nervous around them. All this will add some stress to your encounters (but lots of fun, too!).
   
   But the stress can be exacerbated when you’re trying to navigate all this while interacting in public. That is, after all, where many initial dates take place.
   
   This is why I’m fond of the idea of getting to know someone in a more intimate setting before taking your interactions to the public arena. I’m not saying you should be completely alone when you first start dating—in fact, if you’ve just met someone, you definitely shouldn’t do that. But maybe you could go for a walk in a park and talk rather than trying to make conversation in a busy restaurant.
   
   Or you can go out to eat at times when you know there won’t be too many people around. Or you can go to places with a quieter atmosphere, like museums or art galleries.
   
   Dating can be stressful enough. I don’t think you need to add to it by putting the initial stages on public display. INFJs who want to avoid this stress may opt out of dating altogether and just stick with their comfortable friendships.

4. They’re afraid of losing the friendship.

   INFJs can be very selective when it comes to picking friends. There are so few people who get us or even try to that we end up with only a few close friends whose friendship we value deeply.
   
   If we were to lose even one of those friends, it would be a big deal to us. That’s one less person we can be ourselves with. One less person we can trust on the deepest possible level. One less person we can talk to about anything and everything we have on our mind.
   
   Since INFJs typically have so few people who make this list, it’s understandable why some would be reluctant to lose even one friend by, for example, confessing to having feelings for them.
   
   Whether or not their friend reciprocates those feelings, that confession will cause a shift in the relationship. It won’t be so easy (see #1) or comfortable (see #2) anymore. And if their friend doesn’t reciprocate, they may be able to remain friends, but the relationship won’t be the same, at least not for a while. Some INFJs would prefer to avoid that shift.

5. They’re afraid of drifting apart.

   Here, INFJs are doing a common INFJ move and worrying about something long before it’s even an issue. (Actually, this isn’t just something INFJs do, it’s something humans in general do. But we INFJs—who spend a lot of time in our heads—are especially prone to worrying.)
   
   Before a romantic relationship has even begun, an INFJ may be afraid that if things don’t work out, they and their friend-turned-partner will drift apart. They may also have this fear if their friend doesn’t feel the same way and, as a result, they find that they can’t be close friends anymore.
   
   For one reason or another, the INFJ is afraid that they and their friend won’t be able to go back to that simple friendship they had before, which will eventually lead them to become nothing to each other.
   
   As I mentioned in #4, INFJs already tend to have only a few close friends. The thought of drifting apart from even one of them can be a very painful one. To avoid this risk, some INFJs would rather just stay in the friend zone.

Final Thoughts

This just goes to show how different people of the same personality type can be. For me, none of these would be a reason not to try to have a relationship with someone because I see the bond between lovers as special and sacred. But not everyone is ready for this kind of relationship, and I applaud people who recognize this before trying to start one.

Even so, I can’t help but think that the root of all these particular “reasons” is fear. In fact, the last two I mentioned state explicit fears. INFJs in this situation are afraid of the possible changes that may occur if they confess to having feelings for a friend or if they start a romantic relationship with one. And even before trying, they’re afraid of what might happen if the relationship doesn’t work out.

If INFJs approach dating and romance this way, they may end up frequently friend-zoning themselves, either consciously or unconsciously. And they may like it in the friend zone because it’s easy and comfortable there.

But there may come a time when they really want to become romantically involved with someone. Since they’re so used to being in the friend zone, though, the person they like may only see them as a friend because of the vibe they’re used to giving off.

If they ever want to taste that deep love INFJs are so capable of, they’re going to have to push past fear, make themselves a little uncomfortable, and take a chance on love. I don’t think fear should ever be the reason we do or don’t do something. And if you’re an INFJ struggling to confess your love to a friend, this post might help.

Now it’s your turn. Why do you think some INFJs prefer to stay just friends with people they like? Let me know in the comments.

~ Ashley C.

Last updated: February 17, 2024