Why Is It More Painful When Your Crush Leaves Things Open?
Photo by Cath Smith on Unsplash
In this post, I talk about the possible responses an INFJ can expect after they confess their love to someone. (The responses are for everyone, though. Only the advice is tailored for INFJs.) One of those responses is that your crush leaves things open. And although it’s mentioned separately in that post, for the purposes of this one, we’re going to consider no response at all a form of leaving things open.
In my opinion, of all the possible responses, this one is the most painful. Here are five reasons why.
5 Reasons It’s More Painful When Your Crush Leaves Things Open
It’s not a response.
“I like you, too” is a response. “I don’t see you that way” is a response. “Why do you want to ruin our friendship?” is not a response. Not in matters of the heart, anyway. And, of course, no response at all is definitely not a response.
When you ask someone a question and you’re hoping for a response, first of all, you’re probably hoping for a certain response and will most likely be disappointed if that’s not the one you get. (You’ll be very excited if you do get that one, though!) But if you get no response, that hurts.
It’s like the other person is saying, “I don’t see you as being worthy of a response from me.” Because, let me tell you, there will be people out there that this person will respond to openly and unambiguously—unless they just happen to be this indecisive in all aspects of their life. (And why would you want to be with someone like that anyway?)
Either way, it hurts when someone doesn’t even bother to give you a real response after you’ve confessed real feelings. But don’t let their vagueness make you doubt your worth or value. This is a sign that this person is dealing with an issue like insecurity or low self-esteem. Their lack of a response is not a reflection of you, it’s a reflection of them. But believe me when I say I know how little consolation that is after it happens.You’re left not knowing where you two stand.
If someone either reciprocates or doesn’t reciprocate your feelings, you know where you stand with them. They either like you romantically or they don’t. Knowing that can help you take the next step—date or move on, for instance.
But if someone doesn’t give you a clear response, you’re in a state of limbo. You may find yourself wondering, “Do they see me as just a friend? Should we continue to be friends? How exactly do they feel about me? How do I feel about them? If they date someone else, am I ok just being friends with them? If something changes, will they give a relationship with me a try? But what needs to change? Do they need to change? Do I? What should I do?”
I once had a crush that was chiefly sustained by ruminations like these, and it wasn’t fun. Knowing where someone else stands in a relationship will almost always help you know where you stand. But if you don’t know where they stand, you’re left unsure of what to do and how to feel.
The status of your relationship is unclear, and without clarity, it’s hard to move forward. This state of limbo is extraordinarily uncomfortable.You’re left wondering whether to hold on or let go.
People who aren’t known for loving deeply probably wouldn’t give a second thought to someone who didn’t respond to their love confession or who responded vaguely. They would move on right away. But for deep lovers who know how to hold on to love for a long time, moving on from an unanswered confession isn’t that simple.
Because of our incredible gift for hope, it’s hard for us to close the door on a romantic relationship unless we know the hope is gone. When someone leaves things open, the hope continues. Despite our best efforts to crush it, it just lingers. And sometimes our efforts to crush it only make the hope stronger.
The voice in our head keeps us wondering, “What if they change their mind? What if they do give me a real response? What if they’re just confused about things and, when their confusion clears, they’ll choose me?”
The questions go back and forth and they’re intermingled with the fantasies we have of this person, which all adds up to us continuing to hope for a different outcome. Even though I find hope to be an inherently good thing, when applied to situations like these, it can actually cause a lot of pain.It gives the other person a lot of leverage, making you vulnerable.
When your crush leaves things open, this falls into what I consider to be the most painful type of unrequited love—you love someone who knows how you feel. Whenever I say this, it’s because of the leverage this situation gives the other person.
When you like someone, you’ll automatically be more inclined to want to help them, do things for them, go out of your way for them, and sacrifice your happiness for theirs. For two people in a requited love relationship, this is fine because both partners are willing to do these things for each other.
But when the love is unequal, the person on the receiving end of the love knows the types of sacrifices this other person is willing to make for them. This is especially true for those of the INFJ personality type, but anyone who loves deeply can be vulnerable to this.
A good-hearted person most likely wouldn’t take advantage of your feelings. Actually, they would probably be honest about their feelings from the beginning—unless they needed more time to process. But my guess is if someone isn’t being clear about their feelings, they’re either very insecure, “nice” in the sense of not wanting to cause conflict, or not good-hearted.
(And I feel like I can’t say this enough. It’s never nice to leave things open because you want to spare someone the pain of rejecting them. It’s much more merciful to tell them how you feel honestly, for all the reasons mentioned in this post and because it’s just common courtesy.)
If you confess your feelings to an insecure or unscrupulous person, they may leave things open because they want to keep you around for the sake of their ego or because they like what you can do for them. And since you like them, you may be willing to stick around even if they’re openly flirting with other people or clearly using you, for example. You may even find yourself doing things you’d rather not do.
As you can imagine, this will cause you a lot of pain. The sooner you can pull yourself out of a situation like this, the better.You don’t get closure.
If you need to move on from unrequited love, it’s always easier when you get closure. At least then you know you tried. You know how this person feels, you know they don’t see you the way you see them, and you can remember this when the waves of sadness come. This usually helps quiet them down sooner than they otherwise might.
But when you don’t get closure, as I mentioned in #3, the hope can continue indefinitely. And when the hope continues, it’s hard to find the strength to move on. You become afraid that if you move on prematurely, the person you love will turn around and wish you were still there waiting for them. If you move on to someone else, you’re afraid you’ll miss out on your chance to be with this person.
And so you wait. And you hope. And you wonder if things will forever be left open or whether you’ll eventually get the closure you crave.
In this post I give advice to INFJs (and, really, anyone who loves deeply) for moving on from an unrequited crush without closure because I know the unique challenges it can bring. But the two main things to remember are, find a way to express everything you’re feeling and look for anything you can learn from what happened. No experience is wasted if you can learn something from it.
Final Thoughts
The “open” response to a love confession is awful. It always hurts, it always leads to lots of unanswered questions, and it’s always hard to move on from. In a perfect world, when someone likes someone, that other person would always reciprocate their feelings.
In the next best world, when someone likes someone, that other person would always be clear and sincere about how they felt for the first person.
We live in a world where people can choose whether or not to respond to a love confession and whether or not they’re going to be clear with their response. Even if that makes you sad at times, don’t let it keep you sad.
Just as people can give vague responses, they can also give clear responses. And out there somewhere is the person who’ll give you the clear response you’re hoping for—a desire and a willingness to start a relationship with you.
Now I turn it to you. Why do you think it’s more painful when your crush leaves things open?
~ Ashley C.
P.S. If you’re an INFJ or someone who loves deeply and you would like tips and advice about crushes, unrequited love, and the search for a romantic partner, feel free to join “The INFJ Search for Love” newsletter!
Last updated: June 7, 2024