Are You Seeking Love or Deep Human Connection?

Photo by Thomas Couillard on Unsplash

Because of how relationships are portrayed in books, in the media, and pretty much everywhere you turn, sometimes it seems like having a relationship should be everyone’s number one priority. While romantic relationships can be wonderful, they’re not the only type of relationship that can offer you the companionship or human connection you’re seeking at any given time in your life.

Sometimes you don’t want all the responsibilities that come with being in a relationship. Sometimes you just want to connect to another human.

Sometimes you just want a friend to talk to. Sometimes you just want someone to have deep conversations with. Sometimes you just want someone to hang out with. Sometimes you just want to be with someone you don’t feel like you have to impress.

While a romantic partner can be this friend for you and someone you should be able to be completely yourself with, that usually comes in the later stages of the relationship. When you’re just getting to know each other, there’s usually more pressure to be the best, most polished version of yourself you can be. This means you’ll often hide your flaws and problems and all the stuff you may really want to talk to someone about.

And it can be hard to completely relax and open up when you’re also dealing with all the fluttery feelings that come with being in love. Depending on what you’ve been dealing with, this may or may not be the ideal situation for you.

If you’ve been feeling lonely or you’ve been lacking human connection lately, that doesn’t necessarily mean the time is right for you to date someone. It could be, though. But before you go searching for a romantic partner as the answer to your lack of human connection, try asking yourself the following five questions first.

5 Questions to Help Distinguish Between a Desire for Love and a Desire for Deep Human Connection

1. What do you spend your time daydreaming about?

   If you spend a lot of time daydreaming about relationships, it’s most likely because you’re craving a relationship. Our daydreams pull us out of reality and carry us to the places we really want to go—the kinds of places our subconscious mind has easy access to.
   
   But if, for instance, you often daydream about going on vacation or starting a business or traveling the world, that might mean a relationship is not a priority for you.
   
   In your day-to-day living, though, because you’re bombarded by images of couples, you may convince yourself that this is what you’re seeking, or at least what you should be seeking. This can be especially true if you’ve been low on social interaction for a while.
   
   But if a romantic relationship isn’t foremost on your mind—or at least your subconscious mind—maybe what you really want is to interact with people from different countries and cultures when you travel to faraway places. Maybe you’d like to go on a relaxing vacation with a friend. Maybe you’d like to form relationships with other entrepreneurs so you can talk business with them.
   
   You don’t have to be constantly daydreaming about love to crave love. All I’m saying is, if your mind often pulls you into that direction without conscious effort on your part, it could be a sign that a romantic relationship is what you’re really seeking. But if not, you may be seeking other forms of human connection.

2. Are you ready for a relationship?

   Sometimes people think being single is all they need to be ready to enter a romantic relationship. But being ready for such a relationship is much more complicated than that.
   
   If you just got out of a difficult relationship, for instance, you might not want to rush into a new one. You might just want someone you can go out and have coffee with—someone you can be completely open with.
   
   You may even want someone you can talk to about this most recent relationship—someone who you know won’t judge you. Since it’s not ideal to talk to a romantic partner too much about past relationships—especially at the beginning of the relationship—a friend would be better suited for this kind of companionship.
   
   But even if you’ve never been in a relationship before, that doesn’t mean now is the right time for you to enter one. This could be for any number of reasons, one big one being you haven’t taken the time to find out who you are.
   
   I’m a huge supporter of journeys of self-discovery. I think too many people go throughout their lives without looking deeper—without questioning whether they act the way they do or believe what they do because of who they really are or because of what someone told them.
   
   If you’ve never taken the time to really look deeper at your life and ask yourself these kinds of questions, I would advise you not to enter a romantic relationship right now. This is especially true for INFJs and other deep lovers.
   
   When you’re in love with someone, your tendency will be to seek to please them and maybe even become more like them, consciously or unconsciously. These aren’t ideal tendencies when you don’t even know who you are yet.
   
   Now it would be better for you to find friends who are also going on a journey of self-discovery or who are willing to listen to and discuss the questions and new ideas you come across as you go on your journey. A family member could be helpful, too, if they’re open-minded.
   
   The key is to connect with people who will encourage your growth and all the changes you want to make as you seek to live more authentically. You’re going to want to spend less time with people who try to keep you in the imaginary mold you’ve been forcing yourself into.
   
   It is possible, though, that a potential romantic partner might also be on a journey of self-discovery when you meet them. Maybe you’ve even been through similar events in your lives and you’re now asking yourselves similar questions.
   
   I think it would be fine to pursue a relationship with this person. It’s only that most people you encounter won’t be on such a journey, so just be mindful of that as you consider entering a romantic relationship at this point.
   
   Also remember that romantic relationships take time, commitment, sacrifice, and effort. While friendships require these things, too, the requirements are much easier to satisfy than they are with romantic relationships.
   
   For instance, you can go years without seeing a friend and then call them up one day to chat and, before long, it’s like you were never apart. That wouldn’t work for a romantic relationship. So, if you’re not actually ready for all the responsibilities that come with being in such a relationship, you might not want to enter one just yet. Other forms of human connection would be better for you right now.

3. Are you over all your exes or crushes?

   While it is possible for people to enter a romantic relationship before they’ve completely gotten over their exes or crushes, it’s best that they at least be far on the road to getting over them before committing to a new relationship.
   
   If not, most likely the comparisons will start—they’ll be constantly comparing this new person to their exes or crushes. And their new partner may often feel that there are more than two people in the relationship for how many times they bring up one of these past relationships, even if they were one-sided.
   
   If you’re struggling to move on from an ex or a crush, you probably don’t want to be entering a romantic relationship right now. As you move on, it would be better for you to seek to be just friends with others.
   
   It’s not fair to someone to make them feel you don’t value them because you’re constantly bringing up a past relationship when you’re together. It’s not fair to make them think you don’t care about them as much as you do this other person.
   
   This will only result in them feeling unloved, which might prompt them to leave, thus undoing your efforts to use this relationship to satisfy your desire for human connection. So, until you’re ready to commit yourself to a new relationship, try to fulfill this desire by interacting with friends and close family members.
   
   And if you need any help moving on from an unrequited crush, you can try the activities suggested in this post or read this one if you have to move on without closure. (Though the latter post is geared toward INFJs, the advice is good for anyone.)

4. Do you already have people in your life that you can connect with deeply?

   It’s not necessary for you to have lots of friends for you to enter a romantic relationship. In fact, people who identify as introverts may prefer to keep their friend group small, which means they’ll often have very few friends when they find a partner.
   
   But if they don’t feel there’s anyone in their life they can connect with deeply, they may yearn for that connection and seek to fulfill that desire with romantic relationships. The same goes for anyone who feels that most or all the relationships in their life are shallow.
   
   If you’re someone who feels that your non-romantic relationships are unsatisfying, it doesn’t hurt to seek out new ones. How you do that is up to you, but pursuing your interests and finding like-minded people that way is always a great way to start.
   
   But also remember that you don’t necessarily have to go out and make all new friends. Sometimes all you have to do is deepen the friendships you already have. Just tell one of your friends that you’d like the two of you to talk more or get together more and see if their schedule will allow it. If that friend is too busy, try another friend.
   
   But if making new friends is your only option, that’s a fine one, too. This can happen if, say, all your friends are in relationships and you’d feel more comfortable talking to single people.
   
   If, however, you feel satisfied with the non-romantic relationships in your life but still crave more human connection, that could mean a romantic relationship is what you really want.

5. Have most or all your recent social interactions been online?

   I know that in-person interactions have been more limited these days, which means most of us are experiencing our human connections online. Since this isn’t the most satisfying way of communicating, it can leave us thirsty for real, face-to-face interactions. And the conclusion many of us come to is that these face-to-face interactions should involve dating or romance in some way.
   
   But, of course, by now you know that’s not true. Those in-person interactions can absolutely be with friends or close family members.
   
   If you’re trying to decide whether what you really want is love or just a deep human connection that doesn’t involve a screen, try to go out and have coffee or lunch with a friend or someone you see as a friend. And make sure it’s someone you can have a deep conversation with. See how you feel after that interaction.
   
   Did you feel like that helped quench your thirst for deep human connection? Or did you feel like that was nice, but you’re still longing for something more?
   
   If you feel like that meeting helped quench your thirst, you may not really be seeking a romantic relationship after all—or at least not as much as you thought. This is something you might even want to discuss with a friend.
   
   But if you felt like you still wanted something more, that could mean you are seeking a romantic relationship right now. And if you feel like you’re in a place in your life where you’re ready for one, I say go for it.

Final Thoughts

If you’ve read other posts on this site, you know I’m a hopeless romantic who wants everyone who craves true love to find it. But that doesn’t mean I don’t see value in the other relationships we have the privilege of enjoying. In fact, in this post I talk about how I encourage single people to cherish those other relationships while they wait for their partner to show up.

I say this over and over again. In this life, it’s far too easy for us to become fixated on what we don’t have and neglect all the blessings right in front of us. Don’t let that be you.

If you don’t feel the time is right for you to enter a romantic relationship, don’t rush into one. Instead, seek out non-romantic relationships that can fulfill your need for deep human connection until you’re ready for romance.

Now I turn it to you. How do you know whether someone is seeking love or deep human connection?

~ Ashley C.

Last updated: August 23, 2023