Should You Stay Friends With Someone You Have Unrequited Love For?
Photo by David Clode on Unsplash
This is a tough one. You have a friend whose friendship I’m sure you cherish, but you see them as more than a friend. You want to start a romantic relationship with them, but they don’t feel the same way.
Well, maybe.
If you’ve never told your friend how you feel and they’ve never shared any romantic feelings with you, you can’t be sure they don’t like you the same way. But you probably don’t want to ruin the friendship by coming clean or coming clean too soon, so you prefer to stay silent on this matter.
On the other hand, maybe they do know. Maybe they figured it out on their own and you confirmed it. Or maybe you found the courage to tell them or someone else did that for you (with or without your permission).
However they found out, since you’re still referring to them as a friend, it seems they don’t feel the same way. But in all these cases, what you really want to know is, should you stay friends with your crush if your feelings are unrequited?
In my experience, the answer to this question depends on three factors:
Whether or not they know how you feel.
The strength of your feelings.
How they see you.
Let’s take a closer look at these factors, shall we?
Whether or Not They Know How You Feel
Two of the types of unrequited love involve loving someone who knows you exist, which is the case when you’re in love with a friend. But the degree of pain associated with these crushes will depend on whether or not this person knows how you feel.
If you have feelings for a friend who doesn’t know you like them, my best advice would be to tell them. I know you don’t want to ruin the friendship, but are you really going to let that fear stop you from potentially finding true love? You have to decide what’s most important to you. And if you’re an INFJ who wants to confess their feelings to a friend, this post might help.
It’s already painful to be just friends with someone you like. But if you don’t reveal your feelings, your friend won’t know and they may unknowingly cause you more pain by, for instance, openly discussing their crushes with you.
Meanwhile, you’ll be harboring all these longings that will be yearning for expression. And, once again, your friend will have no clue about this, nor will they understand any potential jealousy you feel when they discuss people they like or date. Don’t put you and your friend in that situation. Tell them how you feel as soon as you’re ready.
Once you’ve shared your feelings, your crush will most likely share how they feel. They may not do this right away, though. If they need time to process how they feel, give them time.
But since this person is a friend, ideally they will eventually let you know—and in a way that’s clear, not vague or inconclusive. And only after they’ve told you they only see you as a friend can you really say you have unrequited feelings for them. (But if they reciprocate, congratulations! You’ve just found requited love!)
Now, if you have unrequited love for a friend who knows how you feel, the next two factors will help you decide whether or not you should stay friends with them.
The Strength of Your Feelings
If you have strong feelings for a friend who doesn’t feel the same way about you, it’s probably best to distance yourself from this person. I know it’s tough. Believe me, I know.
But here’s the thing. If you long to be this person’s romantic partner, how are you going to feel when they start talking about their crushes or when they start dating other people?
Do you think you’ll be able to handle hearing them discuss all those details with you? And do you really want to stay in the “friend zone” by always being there to pick up the pieces if and when their love interest breaks their heart?
If the answer to either of the two previous questions is yes, then by all means, continue the friendship. Maybe you don’t mind giving your friend romantic advice and maybe you like comforting them when they’re heartbroken. But if you know your heart won’t be able to take this emotional rollercoaster, it’s best to keep your distance.
You don’t have to stop being friends with them altogether. You just might have to stop spending so much time together. You might have to find someone else to text with or hang out with. And since you’re a special person, you’re more than capable of making new friends if you want to.
In the meantime, nurture the relationship you have with yourself. Take time to do things you enjoy. Make yourself a priority. And always remember that you deserve to be with someone who makes you feel loved and valued.
If your friend wonders why you’re spending less time with them, you can tell them it’s because you don’t feel comfortable being so close to them while your feelings are so strong. If they’re a true friend, they’ll understand. They might even make it easier on you by not making you feel guilty for protecting your feelings.
If, however, your feelings aren’t that strong, feel free to continue the friendship as is. But don’t do it in the hopes that your friend will change their mind. Do it because you genuinely enjoy their company. And remember that if they enter a relationship with someone else, you’ll probably have to distance yourself from them somewhat anyway.
How They See You
If your friend sees you as a friend and nothing more, you might not want to continue to be as close friends with them. It’s possible that you’ll grow resentful of them for not picking you. This is especially true if they see no problem in continuing the relationship as is.
This might be a sign that they’re not considering your feelings, only how you benefit them. A real friend will probably want to limit your time together out of respect for you.
If you choose to continue the friendship in this case, try to be honest with yourself and your friend about your intentions. Are you staying friends with this person just to be friends or are you hoping they’ll change their mind?
It is definitely possible they’ll change their mind. We humans can be fickle creatures. We’re sure of what we want one day, but the next day we realize we really want something else. It happens.
But if that doesn’t seem likely at this point, don’t torture yourself by convincing yourself that your presence alone will cause that to happen. It’s best to give this person space to change their mind on their own if they so choose.
But it’s also possible that your friend doesn’t feel the same way because they’ve never thought of seeing you as more than a friend. Maybe they just thought you were a cool person to hang out with, but they never knew you felt anything deeper for them.
Now that they know, they’ll need time to process how they feel. This is one of those cases where I think it’s fine to hold onto an unrequited crush, as I mention in this post. Feel free to continue the friendship in a case like this, but don’t pressure your friend to make any decisions before they’re ready.
Final Thoughts
It’s always hard to be just friends with someone you have feelings for. Things can easily grow uncomfortable or awkward when the two of you start to wonder where the other stands.
If you stay close friends, for instance, your friend’s behavior may sometimes cross that fuzzy line between friends and more-than-friends. When that happens, you may start to wonder, is it possible they’re developing feelings for me?
Meanwhile, if they don’t have feelings for you, they may always be wondering, do they still like me? If so, how much?
And if they’re not a good-hearted person—though I don’t know why you would want to be friends with someone like that—they may try to take advantage of your feelings. It’s because of this leverage that I think crushing on someone who knows you like them is the most painful of the types of unrequited love.
In general, I think it’s better not to be too close friends with someone you like, especially if they know how you feel. But you know your heart better than I do. So, you make the final decision about what to do with it.
Now it’s your turn. Do you think people should stay friends with someone they have unrequited love for? Let me know in the comments.
~ Ashley C.
P.S. If you’re an INFJ who’s looking for a refuge where you’re free to feel all your intense crush feelings while also getting advice on how to handle them, you might want to check out INFJ Crush Corner. Click here to learn more.
If you've ever had a crush as an INFJ, you know how intense an experience it can be. INFJ Crush Corner is a place for INFJs to lose themselves in the intensity of INFJ crushes while also getting helpful, in-depth advice on how to deal with them. Below you'll find some of the benefits included when you join. I hope to see you there!
Last updated: December 13, 2024