Should You Confess Your Love for Someone Over Text?

Photo by Jess Bailey on Unsplash

I have very strong feelings about people confessing their love over text or other short-form writing like instant messaging and social media. The reason for this is simple:

Someone once told me he loved me through an instant message, but he could only ever say those words online or over the phone.

If I had been smart, I would have taken this as a cue that his feelings weren’t sincere. If someone loves you, they should be able to tell you in person, even if it takes them a lot of courage to do it. But I was young and I was in love with him, so I believed he meant what he wrote. He convinced me I had found requited love.

It was a long time ago, but if I remember at all correctly, we were in the middle of an argument before he said it. And I think he typed those words to appease me.

It worked.

I just froze when I saw what he wrote and probably forgot whatever it was we were arguing about. And I continued for years operating under the mistaken belief that he really loved me.

Our real-life interactions were infrequent, though, which also should have given me a clue about his real feelings. When you love someone, you want to be with them all the time. But anyway, when we did interact in person, we acted more like strangers than people with feelings for each other.

This was not requited love, I eventually learned. This was someone telling me what I wanted to hear to get what he wanted—like the end of an argument—and because he liked the experience of being liked.

This relationship, which never became more than a tumultuous friendship, ended in severe heartache on my part and took me years to get over. Though I have since moved on, I can’t help but wonder if it might have been easier if I didn’t believe that he loved me.

Reasons I Don’t Like Texted Love Confessions

I know we’re living in a world where much of our communication is done through texting, instant messaging, and social media. I think this kind of short-form communicating is fine for simple messages. But I don’t think that’s the right place for a love confession. Here are three reasons why.

1. It’s too easy to do.

   It’s way too easy to type the words “I like you” or “I love you” to someone and then click Send, at least when you compare it to confessing in person. Typing and sending those words doesn’t take much thought or planning.
   
   If more explanation is added, that’s a little better. (For example: “I love you. I’ve loved you for a long time, I just didn’t know how to tell you.”) But that’s why I emphasize my dislike of short-form writing for confessing love.
   
   If you want to add more detail, I think an email or a handwritten letter would be more appropriate for this type of confession. I know these forms of writing are harder and take longer, but love itself isn’t easy. So, I don’t think a love confession should be either.

2. It’s too easy to ignore.

   While it is possible to ignore someone who confesses their love to you on the phone or in person, it’s much harder than it is to ignore a text or a message on social media. All you have to do is fail to respond.
   
   This is also true of an email or a letter, of course, which is why in-person confessions are the best for getting some sort of response. And when you have sincere feelings for someone, you want some sort of response—preferably reciprocation, I know.

3. The other person can’t get behavioral cues from your words.

   The tone of your voice and the expression on your face will help the person you confess to get a better sense of whether or not you’re being sincere, as is mentioned in this article by LoveToKnow. True, people can lie about their feelings in real life, but it’s much harder than it is in a one- or two-line text.
   
   It’ll also be easier for this person to consult their intuition regarding how they feel about you, particularly if they’re of the INFJ personality type. If they don’t already know how they feel, they’ll most likely need time to process what you told them and their intuition will play a key role in that processing.
   
   Of course, if they’re pleased by your words, they may not be paying attention to any of those things. But at least they’ll be there if they decide to use them.

Guidelines for Those Who Prefer to Text Their Confession

Despite my strong feelings about them, I know love confessions over text aren’t going anywhere. And because of how nervous people can get before confessing their feelings, I understand why they would prefer to type them. So, if you insist on telling someone how you feel over text or online, at least try and follow the following four guidelines.

1. Make sure you mean what you say.

   Don’t tell someone you love them just because you feel like it one day, or to end an argument, or to tell them what you think they want to hear. Do it because you really mean it.

2. Be ready if the person you told wants to talk to you on the phone or in person after you confess.

   The article from LoveToKnow referenced above talks about how, if you confess your love over text, you should speak with your love interest in person afterwards. I agree with that, although I think over the phone would be fine if you can’t meet in person right away.
   
   Since you’ve already gotten the most nerve-wracking part of the conversation out of the way, the rest of it should be had in a more human way.

3. Try not to be abrupt.

   If you’re in the middle of a conversation that has nothing to do with feelings, don’t just randomly type “I love you” even if you really feel that way. That’s like suddenly placing a stop sign on the road while someone is driving.
   
   Try to ease into your confession by introducing feelings, romance, or dating into the conversation first. If this person had no idea the confession was coming, it’ll be even harder for them to come to terms with how they feel when those words come seemingly out of nowhere.
   
   This article from Elite Daily also advises that you might not want to confess your feelings right away. You might instead want to send an affectionate text first to see how your love interest responds to it. You could text something like, “I’ve never told you how much I like your smile” or “You know, my heart beats faster whenever I see I have a text from you.”
   
   I find that to be a wonderful suggestion. It helps you gauge how the other person feels before actually confessing. That takes a lot of pressure off you, and when it comes to confessing feelings, the less pressure the better.

4. Try to wait until the person is actively responding to you.

   Just as it’s not ideal for you to abruptly type “I love you” in the middle of a conversation, you shouldn’t type “I love you” to your crush in the middle of the week when you weren’t even actively responding to each other.
   
   Again, their reaction will depend on how they feel about you. But most likely, getting a text like that as they’re going about their daily activities will throw them off even more than an abrupt confession mid-conversation.
   
   You want to make it as easy as possible for this person to respond to your confession. The more you shock them with it, the harder it will be for them to process their feelings and the longer you’ll have to wait for a response.
   
   In fact, if your confession is too abrupt, they may not even feel like responding at all. Since no response is the worst response, do what you can to minimize the likelihood of that happening.

Final Thoughts

Maybe it’s because I’m old-fashioned that I don’t think love confessions over text or other short-form writing are ideal. Maybe it’s because I had such a bad experience the first and only time someone confessed to me through instant messaging. Maybe younger generations think that’s perfectly fine or even expected.

But I can’t help but think that the world would benefit from more heartfelt love confessions made in person, not on a whim and not with a cute emoji. (Those emojis definitely have their place, though.) But that’s just my opinion.

Now it’s your turn. Do you think it’s ok for people to confess their love over text? Or have you ever confessed to someone over text? How did it go? I’d love to hear what you have to say.

~ Ashley C.

Last updated: August 23, 2023