Why Do INFJs Struggle to Flirt?

Photo by OhTilly on Unsplash

INFJs are known to be great at a lot of things. Flirting isn’t one of them. Many INFJs feel uncomfortable or awkward flirting, at least the traditional way. We would rather have a deep conversation with someone than tell silly jokes or give them random compliments.

And you won’t usually find us playfully touching someone we just met. We reserve physical affection for those we know well, trust, and care about deeply.

If you’re an INFJ who has struggled to flirt, here are five reasons this may be the case.

5 Reasons INFJs May Have Trouble Flirting

1. It feels inauthentic.

   Authenticity is something we INFJs crave and strive for. We’re always seeking to be the most authentic version of ourselves, constantly re-evaluating whether we’re living according to our beliefs and values. And we seek to be around others who do the same.
   
   Flirting is one of those behaviors that makes us feel inauthentic because it makes it seem like just being ourselves isn’t enough. Suddenly, it’s not enough for us to be kind, generous, and empathetic. Suddenly, we have to do something more—be something more.
   
   We have to be open when we’d rather be reserved. We have to think of witty remarks when we’d rather just listen or stare deeply into another person’s eyes—or, even better, stare at them from afar.
   
   Flirting feels like putting on a show, which isn’t INFJs’ preferred operating mode. Given the choice between being ourselves or flirting, we’d rather just be ourselves.

2. It feels disingenuous.

   We INFJs are not the type to lead people on. If we like you, we’ll be especially attentive to you. If we don’t like you, we’ll limit our interactions with you. One way or another, if you’re paying attention, you’ll know how we feel about you.
   
   At least, that’s what we may tell ourselves. The reality is, our feelings aren’t always so clear to others. But even so, we don’t feel the need to flirt to get someone’s attention, especially since people can flirt even when they don’t have any real feelings for someone else.
   
   I can’t tell you how angry it makes me when I hear stories about people who knew someone liked them and then teased and flirted with them instead of being more direct about how they felt. It’s like, “If you like them, why are you playing with their emotions? And if you don’t like them…why are you playing with their emotions?”
   
   It seems some people find great joy in flirting. They see it less as a means to an end and more as a game. Some people see love that way, too. That’s not the case for INFJs. We take love and relationships seriously, so if any part of that process feels disingenuous, we would rather avoid it.

3. It feels shallow.

   Along with authenticity (see #1), we INFJs crave depth. We crave it in all aspects of our lives. Sometimes we can take this to extremes, which is why it’s nice when we have partners who can help keep us from taking life too seriously. But even in those relationships, we crave depth. Flirting doesn’t feel deep at all. To us, it feels uncomfortably shallow.
   
   Imagine a diver who’s used to diving deep into the ocean and now has to limit her dives to the kiddie pool. That diver is going to get bored fast. There are no rare fish in the kiddie pool. There’s no exotic plant life. There isn’t anywhere to go at all, really. All she could do would be swim around in circles.
   
   That’s pretty much how flirting feels to INFJs. It’s like we’re going in circles around another person. Instead of being direct and saying we like them or preferring our indirect but deeper methods for letting them know, we’re just swimming with them in the kiddie pool. That doesn’t sit well with us. We like to go deep and we like to take our partners there with us.

4. It feels pointless.

   We INFJs spend a lot of time in our heads. In all that time, we’re often contemplating the meaning of things. If we find something that doesn’t seem to have any meaning to us—like a societal ritual, for instance—we may ponder why it’s done but we won’t feel a strong pull to participate. We like our lives to be filled with purpose.
   
   Like with depth (see #3), we can also take that to extremes. (Actually, there’s very little we INFJs can’t take to extremes. We’re an intense bunch.) But even when we keep our devotion to purpose-filled activities to a healthy level, we try to avoid activities in which we see little or no value. Flirting would make that list for most INFJs.
   
   It doesn’t help us get to know someone better—at least not on the deep level we prefer. It doesn’t make us feel closer to them. It doesn’t even make us feel more connected to them.
   
   In fact, for INFJs, flirting can make us feel disconnected to someone because it makes it seem like there’s this false wall between us that has no reason to be there. If we like someone, we’re already going to be nervous around them. We don’t need to throw anything false into the mix to make that nervousness worse.

   
   Now, if we do have feelings for someone and we’ve gotten to know them better, we may flirt with them just to keep the relationship fun. And we may welcome flirting in that case, too. But our preference for interacting with others is conversation, not flirting.
   
   (Also keep in mind that we may see flirting as false interest, so be careful using that method to get our attention. Just listening to us would be a better way to accomplish that.)

5. We just don’t like doing it.

   Think of an activity you don’t enjoy doing and where proficiency isn’t required. How good are you at it? How much time do you spend doing it? Would you be able to teach someone else how to do it?
   
   We INFJs don’t enjoy flirting. We put it up there with dating, small talk, and other societal rituals that we find pointless or draining. Since we don’t enjoy it, we don’t like to do it often. And since we don’t do it often, we don’t get very good at it.
   
   Of course, INFJs can learn to flirt well, just like we can become masters of small talk and dating. It’s a learnable skill like any other. But if you ask those who have learned, even they would probably say they’d rather go deep right away.
   
   They’d rather not have to deal with all the flattery and niceties that come with these rituals. But they’ve learned how to play the game. They may not enjoy playing it, but they play. For those of us who don’t play at all, well…there’s always staring.

Final Thoughts

Since flirting seems to be one of those societal rituals that helps us begin romantic relationships, if you’re an INFJ, you may start to wonder whether you should learn how to do it. My answer is, it’s up to you. Flirting can help you start a relationship, but there are many other ways to show someone you’re interested in them.

Of course, the INFJs’ inability to flirt does often leave people confused about how they really feel—whether they like them as a friend or something more. Flirting may be a way to make this clearer, but even that’s not always true. Because as I mentioned in #2, even people who don’t feel real feelings for someone can flirt with them.

Maybe it would be inaccurate to say INFJs struggle to flirt. It would be more accurate to say they struggle to flirt the traditional way. But we do have our ways of showing we’re interested. This post talks about some of the not-so-obvious ways an INFJ may show they like you.

But in general, if we listen closely to everything you say, always want to be where you are, enjoy engaging you in deep conversation, and stare at you a lot, the odds are pretty good that we’re into you.

Now it’s your turn. Why do you think INFJs struggle to flirt (the traditional way)?

~ Ashley C.

Last updated: August 23, 2023