10 INFJ Deal-Breakers in Relationships

Photo by Liana Mikah on Unsplash

INFJs are some of the kindest people around. We’re very good at overlooking flaws when we want to and we’re known to have great compassion and empathy. But even we have a limit.

There are certain behaviors we won’t tolerate in others—at least not when we’re being true to ourselves. Here’s a list of ten of them.

10 Behaviors INFJs Detest in Relationships

1. Inauthenticity

   INFJs are known for being very perceptive. We’re able to see through masks and façades to the person beneath the surface. This is one of the reasons people may find us threatening.
   
   Of course, we INFJs understand that people may present themselves differently in different settings. But if an INFJ senses that you’re not being authentic—that you’re purposefully putting on a mask or acting phony—this will be a cue to us to walk away.

2. Extreme Extroversion

   INFJs can have extroverted friends and we make great partners for extroverts. In fact, INFJs are often called extroverted introverts because we do well around people.
   
   But we do need our alone time to refuel and recharge. And we may not be able to stay at a party for as long as an extrovert. So, if we’re with someone who won’t allow us to have our sacred alone time, that will most likely be a relationship that won’t be sustainable.

3. Unkindness

   INFJs won’t stand for unkindness. We already feel the world has enough unkind people, and we’re doing our best to reverse their effects. If we’re with someone who doesn’t treat others with respect or who doesn’t see all humans as equally deserving of it, we won’t be with them for long.

4. Lack of Empathy

   We INFJs are known for our empathy. We spend much of our lives walking around in other people’s shoes, trying to understand life from their perspective.
   
   While it may bother us sometimes that others aren’t as empathetic as we are, that in itself isn’t a deal-breaker. The deal-breaker comes when we find someone who never or rarely shows empathy.
   
   This can include narcissists, but it’s not only limited to them. Anyone who refuses to see things from another perspective—anyone who refuses to acknowledge any but their own, really—will not make our list of favorite people.

5. Inattention to the INFJ’s Needs

   We INFJs already have a hard enough time looking after our own needs. We tend to be people-pleasers who put everyone else before us. That’s why it’s wonderful when we have partners who encourage us to practice self-care. One way they can do this is by texting us reminders.
   
   But the real deal-breaker here is when someone neglects our needs or pretends we don’t even have them. We need deep conversation (more on that in #9), alone time, down time after socializing, time to engage in our hobbies or interests, and time for rest, fun, relaxation, recharging, and refueling.
   
   If we’re with someone who takes advantage of our kindness and generosity to the point that they never leave us time to care for ourselves, we won’t be with that person for long.

6. Selfishness

   This goes along with the previous point. Selfish people won’t usually allow their partners much time to care for their own needs because they consider their needs to be the highest priority. Selfish people can also lack empathy (see #4) and they may be confused about why they should even care about anyone other than themselves.
   
   Since we INFJs care deeply about others and seek to support causes close to our heart, a selfish person won’t even be able to understand why we do what we do. So, a relationship with a selfish person won’t work for us.

7. Misaligned Values

   For us INFJs, our values are at the core of who we are. It’s how we choose our life purpose and what causes to fight for. If we’re with someone who doesn’t share our values, we’re going to have a really hard time making a relationship with them work. So, we’ll most likely have to go our separate ways.

8. Tolerance for Injustice

   As mentioned in #6 and #7, INFJs are often fighting for one cause or another. This is because we have a deep intolerance for injustice in all its forms. We don’t necessarily have to be with someone as passionate about righting wrongs as we are, but if we’re with someone who doesn’t seem to think there are any wrongs to right, that will most likely be an issue for us.
   
   We don’t like to hear excuses about why things can’t or won’t change or why we should just accept the status quo. We’re dreamers and idealists who are fighting for a better world. If you don’t believe a better world is possible or if you don’t even see anything wrong with the one we live in, there’s no place in our life for you.

9. Refusal to Go Deep

   We INFJs are deep divers. Our love goes deep, our feelings go deep, our thoughts go deep. As a result, we want to be around people who are willing to go deep with us. If we encounter someone who prefers shallow or superficial, that’s a red flag for us. It tells us this relationship won’t be sustainable long-term.

10. Refusal to Grow

    While we INFJs tend to be perfectionists, we’re also aware that we’re not perfect. Sometimes that bothers us a lot. While too much emphasis on imperfection can become unhealthy, when kept at healthy levels, it can become motivation for us to grow and change. As a result, we INFJs are often striving to find ways to improve ourselves.
    
    If we’re with someone who refuses to acknowledge that anything about them needs improving or who refuses to work on what they know they should, that will most likely cause us to walk away. But I’ll admit that sometimes we do this unfairly because our expectations are too high. That’s something we should put on our list of things to work on.

Final Thoughts

If an INFJ meets someone new and this person displays any of these behaviors, the INFJ will most likely want to limit their contact with that person. This could lead an INFJ to reject a new friend or potential romantic partner, for example.

If an INFJ notices that someone already in their life is displaying any of these behaviors and shows no sign of changing, it may lead to separation or an INFJ door slam.

One thing to remember is, we INFJs aren’t always vocal about our needs. So, we may reject someone or cut them out of our lives without telling them why.

If an INFJ seems uninterested in you or suddenly stops spending time with you or texting you, check to see if you’ve displayed any of these behaviors. And if you find you have and now you want to renew the relationship, this post may help you do just that.

Now I turn it to you. If you’re an INFJ, what are some of your deal-breakers?

~ Ashley C.

Last updated: January 29, 2024