Why Would an INFJ Reject Someone?

Photo by Angèle Kamp on Unsplash

An INFJ won’t usually reject someone because they felt like it one day or because they just changed their mind about them. They’ll usually have a reason for doing this. Whether it’s a good or bad reason is up for interpretation.

Either way, if an INFJ rejects someone and you’re curious to know why, here are five reasons they might have done this.

5 Possible Reasons an INFJ Might Reject Someone

1. They find that their values don’t match.

   Values are like an INFJ’s native language. If an INFJ notices that they don’t share the same values with someone else, they won’t be able to communicate properly. Misunderstandings will be constant, as will the doubting or questioning of one another’s motives.
   
   To avoid all this, once the INFJ sees there’s no future with this person, they might reject them.

2. They have identified this person as toxic.

   INFJs are known to attract toxic people. This is the result of our generous and self-sacrificial nature, along with our difficulty saying no. Unhealthy or immature INFJs will willingly enter relationships with toxic people, only to find themselves drained of energy, lacking time for self-care, and exhausted in all senses of the word.
   
   Healthy, mature INFJs, however, learn to spot toxic people quickly and are, thus, able to keep themselves from investing too much into relationships with them. If a healthy INFJ identifies someone as toxic, they’ll most likely reject this person for the sake of their own wellbeing.
   
   People may not know that they’re toxic or that they’re displaying toxic behaviors, though. So, if such a person asks an INFJ why they rejected them, the INFJ may not be forthcoming with the why. To spare their feelings, they may say something like, “Our values don’t match,” which is true enough. Toxicity is never one of (healthy) INFJs’ values.
   
   Because INFJs tend to be very kind, gentle people, they won’t usually say, “You’re toxic” or “You drain my energy” to someone directly. But they will say something. And if the person does some self-reflection and notices they’re toxic or have some toxic tendencies (i.e. they’re selfish, narcissistic, clingy, needy, or whiny), they should know that’s probably the real reason this INFJ rejected them.

3. They don’t feel the same way about them.

   If someone confesses that they have feelings for an INFJ but the INFJ doesn’t feel the same way, they’ll most likely reject this person. The INFJ will usually do this as gently as they can, though. In fact, since INFJs usually know when someone likes them, they may even take steps to make it clear to this other person that they don’t feel the same way before they go so far as to confess.
   
   But that doesn’t always work. And so, when an INFJ is placed in this situation, they would rather reject the other person than lead them on.
   
   Depending on the nature of their relationship before the confession, the INFJ may or may not want to continue the friendship or continue to be as close friends. But they will usually make it clear whether or not they have feelings for this person. And if they don’t have feelings for them, this person should expect a rejection.

4. This person doesn’t meet their relationship partner ideal.

   I wouldn’t consider this a good reason for an INFJ to reject someone, but it does happen. Sometimes we INFJs have these lofty ideas about what we’re looking for in a romantic partner. But then, when we get out into the real world, we’re often disappointed at how few people can live up to our ideals.
   
   An INFJ might reject someone because they don’t meet all the qualifications they consider necessary for their partner to have. This isn’t something the other person can do anything about really.
   
   The only recourse would be for them to ask the INFJ why they rejected them. And when the INFJ starts reading off their list of expectations, the other person can remind them that no one is perfect and that no one will be able to live up to all their ideals.
   
   But if the two of them are compatible and share the same values, they might have something worth protecting. The INFJ may consider giving such an honest person a second chance, but they’ll also have to be willing to lower their standards a bit. For INFJs, often our idea of adequate or acceptable is other people’s gold standard.

5. They’re dealing with an issue that’s making it hard to accept the love of others.

   This is a reason anyone might reject anyone else, and so it’s true of INFJs as well. If we’re having trouble loving ourselves, valuing ourselves, or trusting others, for example, we’ll find it hard to embrace or even accept someone else’s love for us. And this doesn’t only have to be romantic love. We may have difficulty accepting people as friends, too.
   
   If someone finds this to be the reason an INFJ rejected them, they’ll have to be patient with this INFJ. Obviously they’ve been through something or had some traumatic experiences that have made it difficult for them to be as open as one needs to be to accept another person’s love.
   
   But if this person genuinely desires a relationship with this INFJ, they can offer them love and support as a friend who doesn’t demand or expect too much of them.
   
   Just remember, you can’t force people, let alone INFJs, to value themselves or learn to trust others. All you can do is show them they have value and prove yourself to be trustworthy. In time, hopefully they’ll come to accept love in a healthy way.

Final Thoughts

We INFJs can be mysterious to both ourselves and others. But we’re also very conscientious when it comes to feelings. That’s why we won’t usually reject someone on a whim. So, if you’ve been rejected by an INFJ or if you know someone who has, now you have some idea why they did this.

Now I turn it to you. Why do you think an INFJ might reject someone? Let me know in the comments.

~ Ashley C.

Last updated: August 23, 2023