Why INFJs Leave Relationships and How to Get Them Back

Photo by Larisa Birta on Unsplash

There’s really only one reason INFJs leave relationships—their needs aren’t being met. INFJs give a lot to the people they care about and ask for very little in return. So, when even the little they ask for is not being granted, they’re prone to walking out.

Distance vs. Door Slam

When INFJs leave, it can take many forms. It could mean they distance themselves from a friend who adds no value to their life or no longer adds value. This friend may not have done anything wrong, but still, the INFJ feels they’re better off going their separate ways.

Maybe this person too easily drains the INFJ’s already limited energy supply. Maybe the INFJ realized they don’t have anything in common anymore or their lives are being pulled in different directions. For whatever reason, the INFJ feels it’s easier not to have this person in their life.

Leaving could also look like door-slamming that friend or someone who, in the INFJ’s eyes, has done irreparable damage. In this case, the INFJ has been deeply wounded for an extended period of time.

The INFJ will have made significant efforts to repair the relationship, but to no avail. Now they feel they have no other choice. They have to cut this person off entirely. If you suddenly find that an INFJ is avoiding you or ignoring your messages or calls, it’s most likely because they have door-slammed you.

(If you haven’t already heard of the infamous INFJ door slam, check out this article.)

The difficulty in getting back into the good graces of an INFJ who left will depend on whether they have just distanced themselves from you or door-slammed you. Either way, this will be no easy task and there’s no guarantee of success.

But if you’re determined to try, the following five tips might help. (The above-mentioned article also offers useful advice.)

5 Tips For Getting Back an INFJ Who Left

1. If you don’t know what you did wrong, ask.

   We INFJs are not always vocal about our needs. Since we pay so much attention to others’ needs, we often expect everyone else will do the same. Sadly, that’s not the case. But now is not the time to bring any of that up.
   
   Whatever role your INFJ might have played in your falling-out isn’t relevant for your aim here. If you want to get back in their good graces, you need to know what they perceive as your offense(s). So, ask them what you did wrong. And really listen to what they say. Don’t get defensive. Don’t make excuses. Just listen.
   
   If your INFJ can’t say what it was specifically, ask them to think it over and get back to you. And when they do, again, just listen.
   
   If your INFJ didn’t officially door slam you, they might say something like, they just felt you were drifting apart or they felt that your values were no longer aligned with theirs. In that case, there’s not really a wrong you have to right. You just have to decide whether you’re willing to change what led to the separation.

2. Once you know what you did wrong, apologize for it.

   Now is the time for the sincerest apology you’ve ever made. Don’t use any flowery language or fancy words here. Don’t quote any movies or poetry or even your INFJ’s favorite book. Just be honest. Speak from your heart. And speak as simply as you can.
   
   Acknowledge what you did wrong and how this hurt your INFJ. And then apologize sincerely for your actions. Acknowledge that their needs are important and say you’re sorry you overlooked them. Make sure the words “I’m sorry” come out of your mouth at least once.
   
   Also, don’t make any empty promises. If you really are going to make an effort to change, tell them that. But don’t promise to do better with no intention of changing anything. It’s likely broken promises are one of the reasons your INFJ left in the first place. (If you would like more advice on how to apologize to an INFJ, you can check out this post.)

3. Ask if you can start a new relationship.

   No excessive begging or pleading for this one. Simply ask if you can start something new. Your old relationship is unsalvageable—there’s no resuming it or going back to it. The best you can hope for is to start with a blank slate. Ask if your INFJ is up for that.
   
   Depending on how your INFJ feels about your apology, they may say yes or no right away or they may say they need time to think about it. Respect whatever they say.
   
   If they say no, don’t push them. They’ve made their decision. They’ve decided too much has changed or too much damage has been done for them to come back. It’s possible that if you give them time, they may come back on their own, but don’t count on that. It’s best to move on at this point.
   
   If they say yes, start off by taking things slow. More on that in #4.
   
   If they say they need time to think things through, give them time. Don’t pressure them to make a decision right away. You can check in with them if they take longer than a week to make their decision, but make sure they know there’s no pressure to answer quickly. And when they do finally respond, again, respect their decision.

4. Prepare to go slow.

   If your INFJ has agreed to start over, know that, in their eyes, you’re on probation. They will most likely not put down all their walls right away. What you have done to get to this point is plant seeds. Only time will tell if they’ll grow or not.
   
   Most likely, even before your INFJ left, you had apologized for certain things you did, only to do them again. As a result, your INFJ is going to have trouble trusting you for a while. Give them the time and space they need to trust you again.
   
   They’re not looking for you to be perfect. They just want to see that you were sincere when you said you would try to do better.
   
   They want to see that you won’t ignore their needs or deny them the attention you promised you would give. Above all, they want to see that you’re being true to your word.

5. Be authentic.

   Inauthenticity is on the top of the list of things we INFJs despise. So, in your efforts to prove your willingness to change, don’t do anything out-of-character.
   
   Don’t bring your INFJ flowers or a gift every day if that’s not your thing. Don’t be overly attentive to them or give them compliments every five minutes.
   
   Communicate openly and be willing to listen, but don’t go overboard. Your INFJ doesn’t need you to ask them about every thought they have throughout the day. They just want you to listen when they do have something to say.
   
   Anything that isn’t you or that you don’t intend to continue long-term should be avoided. Your INFJ is trying to see if they can trust you again, so don’t do anything that might cause them to doubt your motives.

Final Thoughts

Again, these tips are not guaranteed to work. If, for example, you severely wounded an INFJ and, as a result, they’ve decided your presence in their life is toxic, it’s very unlikely they will ever open that door again.

But if the offenses weren’t so deep or if your INFJ recognizes their role in the fall out, there might be hope.

Now I turn it to you. How would you suggest someone go about getting back an INFJ who left?

~ Ashley C.

Last updated: September 22, 2023