How Do You Apologize to an INFJ?
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Apologizing to an INFJ isn’t much different from apologizing to any other personality type. You just say you’re sorry for something you did wrong. But when seeking the forgiveness of an INFJ, there are some specific things you’ll want to keep in mind. This post discusses five of them.
5 Things to Keep in Mind When Apologizing to an INFJ
Know what you’re apologizing for.
It’s hard to apologize adequately for something if you’re not even sure what you’re apologizing for. If you committed an offense that an INFJ perceives as minor, you’re probably already aware of what you did wrong and what you need to apologize for. An example of this would be that you didn’t call or text them when you said you would.
In a case like this, you know what you did wrong and usually a simple “I’m sorry I didn’t call/text” will do, especially if you don’t make a habit of it. (If you do, an INFJ will start to question your reliability, which will mean your apologies will be worth less to them. Your behavior matters even more than your words, in this case and all cases.)
But if you committed a more complex offense, you might need to ask your INFJ what exactly you need to be asking for forgiveness for. For instance, it’s possible you said something that hurt your INFJ’s feelings. It’s not enough to apologize for what you said. You have to understand why your INFJ was so offended so you can avoid making comments like that in the future.Be sincere.
Don’t say anything you don’t mean during the apology. Don’t say you’re sorry if you’re not really sorry. Don’t promise to do better if you have no intention of trying to do better (more on that in #4). And if you’re apologizing for something you’ve apologized for many times before, it would be best to save that apology for when you actually intend to improve your behavior.
And also make sure you’re being true to yourself when you apologize. If you don’t normally use flowery language when you speak, don’t use it in your apology. But if your speech tends to be more elaborate, it should also be that way when you apologize. (You’ll still want to avoid being excessive, though.) The idea is to avoid anything your INFJ might perceive as inauthentic or insincere.
If you offer your INFJ insincere apologies, you’re eroding the trust your INFJ has in you. They’ll start to learn that you can’t be trusted—that you don’t mean what you say and that even your apologies are hollow. And when this happens, it will begin to destroy the fabric of your relationship, which could result in the infamous INFJ door slam if you’re not careful.
To avoid all this, make sure you mean what you say when you apologize. (This is actually a good principle in general, too.)Be thorough.
Say, for example, you went to a party with an INFJ where they knew no one and then you got distracted by your friends and ended up leaving them alone for most of the evening. This would most likely be perceived as an offense in an INFJ’s eyes. While they may still be able to make good conversation with others, that won’t change the fact that they had hoped to spend the evening with you.
If you were to apologize for this offense, it wouldn’t be enough to say, “I’m sorry I left you alone at the party.” That’s a good start, but you need to add something along the lines of, “I know you wanted to spend time with me that evening. And I know you didn’t know anyone at the party, which made you uncomfortable. I should have been there for you, but I wasn’t, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I got so distracted. I’m sorry I left you alone.”
In your apology, you need to show that you understand the extent of what you did. You need to be able to identify which of your INFJ’s needs wasn’t being met as a result of your offense. Thorough apologies like this are necessary if you want to avoid having your INFJ build up feelings of resentment toward you.
If they sense that you’re apologizing because you feel like you should and not because you really mean it, that won’t go well with them. INFJs greatly value authenticity and have a gift for seeing through inauthenticity. This means it’s hard for them to accept things like inauthentic apologies. Besides, inauthentic apologies aren’t much better than not apologizing at all.Only promise not to repeat the offense if you intend not to repeat it.
Don’t make empty promises during the apology. It’s good to apologize when you do something wrong. But don’t add, “I promise never to do that again,” unless you actually intend to make an effort never to do that again.
Of course, everyone makes mistakes and we all slip up sometimes even after apologizing or promising to do better. But you shouldn’t add that promise unless you actually intend to make a serious effort to keep it.
If you’re just apologizing to clear the air but you have no intention of changing your ways, you would be better off not apologizing. And I would advise you not to try something like this with an INFJ. They want to hear sincere apologies and they want to see a genuine desire to change. If you can’t give them both, maybe now isn’t the right time for you to apologize.Be patient.
Depending on the gravity of the offense, an INFJ may take more or less time to forgive you. This is true of anyone, so it’s also true for INFJs. Even after a sincere, thorough apology, an INFJ may still need time to find it in their heart to forgive you.
During this time, they might be a little colder toward you than usual and they may need their distance. And they will most definitely be watching you to see if you were sincere in your desire to change. But if you show that you feel genuine remorse for hurting them and if you prove yourself to be trustworthy, there’s no reason your INFJ won’t forgive you in time.
Final Thoughts
If you needed guidance on how to apologize to an INFJ, I hope this advice helps. But at the end of the day, it really comes down to speaking from your heart and being patient as you wait for their forgiveness.
Now it’s your turn. How would you apologize to an INFJ?
~ Ashley C.
Last updated: January 29, 2024