6 INFJ First Date Tips

Photo by Alisa Anton on Unsplash

When going on a first date with an INFJ, it’s good to have some idea of what to expect. This way you’ll understand better how to behave, whether or not the date is going well, and whether you can expect future dates. While every INFJ is different, there are some common things you’ll want to keep in mind before going on your first date with one. Here are six of them.

6 Tips for a First Date With an INFJ

1. Choose a location that makes your INFJ comfortable.

   In this post, I offer five first date ideas for people going out with INFJs. The main takeaway is that you need to choose a location that makes your INFJ feel comfortable. That means it should be somewhere where they can enjoy deep conversation with you (more on that in #3) and where there aren’t too many other people around.
   
   While INFJs might be on board for a more adventurous date later on, on a first date, you want to make sure your INFJ has the opportunity to process how they feel about you and whether they see a future with you.
   
   INFJs aren’t known for dating just to date. If we’re going to date someone, we need to be able to envision a future with them. And if we can’t envision this future, we’re probably not going to want to continue going out with this person.
   
   So, to encourage the likelihood of future dates, make sure your first date allows your INFJ the opportunity to get to know you on a deep level. This will help them determine your compatibility and long-term potential. And to ensure this process goes as smoothly as possible, it’s best done in an environment where they can talk freely, without having to shout over anyone or speak in hushed tones.

2. Go slow.

   INFJs aren’t known for getting too physical right away. We tend to prefer getting to know people on an emotional level before we welcome physical touch. This doesn’t mean we’re cold, which I talk about more in this post. It just means we need to feel emotionally safe with someone before we feel comfortable allowing them into our personal space in this way.
   
   Many INFJs are known to be hopeless romantics, as this article from Truity explains. We’re old souls who love romance and handwritten love letters. It’s important to note that the nature of romance is to move slowly. So, if you really want your INFJ to like you and feel safe with you, don’t rush them into anything physical before they’re ready.
   
   Instead, engage your INFJ in deep conversation on your first date, show them that they can trust you, and you’ll be well on your way to helping them feel safe with you. And once they feel safe with you, brace yourself for how affectionate they can be.

3. Be prepared to ditch the small talk as soon as possible.

   One reason INFJs don’t particularly like dating is because of what we consider that often mind-numbing societal ritual called “small talk.” While making small talk is a skill that can be learned, it seems to come more naturally to some personality types than others.
   
   Introverts in general tend not to like small talk, and INFJs are no exception to this. By definition, small talk doesn’t go deep, and we INFJs love to go deep. We thrive on depth. But it’s also true that people are often unwilling to go deep until some small talk has been made.
   
   Thus, at the start of the date, some small talk is to be expected. (“How has your day been?” “Did you find the place ok?” “Have you been here before?” “What do you typically like to eat?”) But if you really want your INFJ to feel comfortable, it would be better to get past these superficial questions and topics as quickly as possible.
   
   It’s true that, if your INFJ likes you, no detail about you will be too insignificant to learn. But on a first date, they really want to know that you can give them the kind of depth they crave. If they want to continue seeing you, there will be plenty of time to learn your favorite song, film, and color later. But right now, make sure they know that they can enjoy having deep discussions with you.
   
   And if you’re really struggling to think of a topic to discuss, ask them about their interests. Most INFJs love discussing all manner of deep topics, from philosophy and psychology to history and spirituality. You’ll make your INFJ very happy if you’re willing to talk about these things with them. And, of course, they’ll most likely return the favor and ask you about your interests.

4. Be prepared for long conversations.

   If the INFJ you’re dating likes you, they’ll be trying to get to know everything about you. That means they’ll most likely want to spend most of your first date just talking. As I hinted at in #1, this means your first date will probably not be the most adventurous if your idea of adventure involves action.
   
   But for INFJs, deep conversation excites us the way mountain climbing and bungee jumping excite thrill-seekers. Don’t underestimate the power of an in-depth conversation in winning the heart of an INFJ.
   
   INFJs may have trouble opening up at the start of the date as we settle in and get comfortable. But once we are comfortable and have fully accepted the fact that we’re on a date with a fellow human we would like to get to know romantically, we’ll be searching for a conversation topic—or several—that we can dive deep into. And we’ll want to talk to you about these things for hours.

   
   This means that if an INFJ isn’t talking much on your first date or if there are long, awkward pauses as you try to converse, it’s not a good sign. But if they’re engaging you in deep conversation—and not looking at their watch or the clock every five minutes—it’s a sign that they’re comfortable and would like to get to know you better. And if they’re showing these signs, do them a favor and avoid looking at your watch, too.

5. Make sure you really listen.

   We INFJs can be quirky and we can have some unconventional views about things. Since we find that most people don’t have the time or patience to hear us out, we’re used to hiding what we really think.
   
   When we look for a romantic partner, we’re looking for someone who will accept and embrace these things about us—someone who will really listen when we speak, and listen without judgment. That means it’s not enough to ask us about our interests on a first date, though that’s definitely essential. But you also need to show that you’re listening.
   
   You need to make comments about what we say and ask follow-up questions. Or share something about you that relates to what we said. But if we tell you something private or personal or something you don’t understand, don’t just dismiss it and start talking about something else. And don’t pass judgment on what we share.
   
   This is a sure way to close your INFJ off and make them feel uncomfortable sharing personal things with you in the future. And if they’re uncomfortable sharing personal things, it means they’ll be unlikely to want to pursue a romantic relationship with you. It means they’ve put you in the category of people they can’t be their authentic selves with, and INFJs don’t like to put romantic partners in that category.
   
   On a first date, an INFJ will be looking to see if they can trust you with the parts of them that they can’t share with other people. Again, they want to know that they’re safe with you—their thoughts, emotions, and feelings. If you do or say anything to make them feel uncomfortable being authentic with you, it will be hard for them to continue seeing you in a romantic light.

6. Be yourself.

   I probably didn’t need to say this, which is why I put this tip last. But I think all of us have a natural tendency to want to impress our dates, especially on a first date. As a result, we may try to come off as funnier than we typically are or smarter or more interesting. While it’s important to be yourself no matter who your date is, this is especially true if your date is an INFJ.
   
   For INFJs, authenticity is very important. We tend to detest anything we perceive as inauthentic. This means that if you want your INFJ to like you and continue to want to date you, do your best to avoid any insincerity from the beginning.
   
   I’m sure your INFJ wouldn’t have even agreed to go on a date with you if they didn’t already like what they know of you. And while you should definitely share more of yourself on your first date with them—and all succeeding dates—you should avoid trying to be someone you’re not.
   
   By all means, put your best foot forward and don’t spend the date listing all your flaws and weaknesses. But don’t be afraid to mention them either. Just, as much as possible, be the most authentic version of yourself you can be. And if you do happen to tell a lame joke or two, it’s a good sign if your INFJ laughs anyway.

Final Thoughts

First dates can always be a little nerve-wracking, but I hope these tips help take some of the nerves out of your first date with an INFJ. Of course, general tips like relax and have fun are always important to remember. But because INFJs can be enigmatic, it’s important to remember what we may perceive as appropriate and inappropriate behaviors on a first date.

And I hope this goes without saying, but please keep your phone use to a minimum on a first date. You can maybe use your phone to take a picture or two of something noteworthy, but it should be out of sight for most of your time together.

Now it’s your turn. What advice would you give to someone going on a first date with an INFJ? Let me know in the comments.

~ Ashley C.

Last updated: January 29, 2024