5 Common INFJ Misunderstandings

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Because INFJs are considered one of the rarest of the Myers-Briggs personality types, it’s not uncommon for their behaviors to be misinterpreted by others. Some of these behaviors can even cause their partners or loved ones to feel hurt or unloved when that’s not the INFJ’s intention at all.

In this post, I’m going to address five common INFJ behaviors that may be misunderstood by those who love them.

5 Things Others Commonly Misunderstand About INFJs

1. An INFJ’s reluctance to share what’s on their mind may be misunderstood as being difficult.

   INFJs have deep thoughts about things and they love sharing them with people who they think will care. But INFJs may struggle to find these people. And even when they do, it takes time for them to trust these people enough to feel comfortable sharing their deepest thoughts with them. INFJs tend to be private individuals, which means it can take time to get to know them well.
   
   Too often, people don’t have the patience to wait for INFJs to reveal the true depth of their character, which is one reason they can have trouble finding romantic partners. INFJs long to share their thoughts with others. They long for deep connection with others. They just tend to find that many people aren’t willing to go deep, or else they don’t really care what the INFJ has to say. And so, they prefer to stay quiet or only share superficial things.
   
   INFJs don’t do this to be difficult. For INFJs, what they share are pieces of themselves, so they don’t always share easily. But once someone has shown that they’re willing to listen and that they truly care to hear all that’s on an INFJ’s mind, the INFJ will be more than willing to be open with them.

2. An INFJ’s reluctance to accept physical affection can be misunderstood as coldness.

   I talk in this post about how, when an INFJ is just getting to know someone, physical touch may not always be welcome. INFJs tend not to be comfortable with things like hugs and other forms of physical touch until they’re emotionally close to someone. It seems physical touch matters more to INFJs than it does to others, so they tend to reserve that sort of affection for those they know well.
   
   This isn’t to say that INFJs don’t like physical touch. They can be very affectionate with those they’re close to. But, as in #1, people need to be patient as they wait for an INFJ to be comfortable enough to accept and give physical affection.
   
   For people who don’t see physical touch as a big deal, that may be perceived as coldness on the part of the INFJ. But an INFJ isn’t being cold when they refuse physical affection. They’re just waiting until they develop the emotional closeness they need to feel comfortable being physically close. If the other person is willing to wait for the INFJ to feel comfortable, they may be surprised at just how affectionate they can be.

3. An INFJ’s need for alone time can be misunderstood as disinterest or withdrawal.

   I’ve said often on this site that INFJs need alone time to thrive. It’s not just something they enjoy—it’s something they need. This is true of all introverts because introverts refuel while they’re alone. Extroverts, on the other hand, refuel when they’re around others.
   
   So, while an INFJ with an introverted partner or loved one might not have to worry about this misunderstanding (depending on how introverted they are), an INFJ with an extroverted partner or loved one might need to make it clear to them that when they take time to be alone, it’s not because of something the other person said or did. And it’s not because the INFJ is losing interest or withdrawing from the relationship. It’s just part of an INFJ’s nature.
   
   When they’ve refueled enough, they will come back. Just don’t make them feel bad or guilty for needing time alone.

4. An INFJ’s criticizing or correcting may be misunderstood as not accepting.

   When an INFJ criticizes or corrects someone they care about, they’re not just pointing out flaws to bother them. They’re actually trying to encourage growth. For INFJs, personal growth is very important. And since they’re so focused on bettering themselves, they can’t help but encourage those they love to do the same.
   
   For them, it’s an act of kindness to encourage growth in this way. INFJs want everyone to live up to their full potential. This means that when an INFJ encounters someone who’s not keen on self-improvement, that can become a point of conflict. In fact, in this post I talk about why this aspect of an INFJ’s personality can make a relationship with them challenging.
   
   If an INFJ’s partner or loved one is bothered by this tendency, they’ll have to speak up about it. They may even have to remind the INFJ that, although they strive for perfection and seek it in others, no one is perfect. But if they do this, it should be done in the kindest way possible. And they should also remember that the INFJ’s criticism comes from a loving place.
   
   They do accept this person they care about. They just want them to be the best possible version of who they are.

5. When an INFJ pulls away because of pain, that can be misunderstood as anger.

   The INFJ door slam and other INFJ distancing behaviors can seem to be the result of anger on the INFJ’s part. But according to this article from All About Introverts, the reality is that these things usually happen when the INFJ is in a lot of pain. INFJs tend to shut people out when they feel deeply wounded. They see distancing themselves as the only way to keep themselves from further hurt.
   
   INFJs care deeply about their relationships, so they’re willing to go to great lengths to protect them. That means that when an INFJ pulls away and tries to cut off all communication with someone, it’s a sign that they’ve had enough. They’re done with this relationship and are unwilling to do anything further to save it. This is what’s known as the INFJ door slam.
   
   For an INFJ to do something this drastic, it means they’ve been hurt repeatedly and the person causing the hurt shows no signs of relenting. It takes a long time for an INFJ to get to this point, and it would take significant effort and patience to renew the relationship now. But if you are or were in a relationship with an INFJ who walked out and you’d like to try renewing it, this post might help.

Final Thoughts

All of us have the potential to display certain behaviors that may be misinterpreted by others. And there are many more that INFJs could display that haven’t been mentioned here.

The key to getting past these misunderstandings is to make sure that the lines of communication are open. This way, whenever someone does something, the other person is free to ask about and learn what it really means. Instead of assuming that someone is behaving a certain way for a certain reason, it’s a good idea to ask to make sure.

Now it’s your turn. Can you think of any other behaviors INFJs display that others might misunderstand? Let me know in the comments.

~ Ashley C.

Last updated: September 22, 2023