5 Behaviors That Might Unknowingly Repel an INFJ

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Because INFJs are so enigmatic, even to themselves, it’s easy for others to unknowingly do things that repel them when their goal is to get their attention or earn their affection.

While some of the following behaviors may be fine for someone an INFJ already knows well and trusts, people who are new in an INFJ’s life might want to avoid them—especially if they like this INFJ and are trying to show them that.

5 Behaviors That Might Repel an INFJ You Just Met

1. Asking for Hugs

   I had a friend in school who used to make fun of me (jokingly) because I never wanted to hug boys, including him. I couldn’t understand why I was that way, especially since none of my female friends seemed to have a problem with it.
   
   I only later learned that this is very common for INFJs. We tend to reserve physical affection for only those we’re very close to. It seems physical touch is more significant to us than it is to others.
   
   So, if you’re interested in an INFJ and you want them to like you, make sure you give them their personal space. Don’t force them to hug you or make them feel bad for not doing so.
   
   If they’re talking to you, listening to you, and wanting to be around you, know that they’re trying to get emotionally close to you. They need to feel this closeness before physical touch will be welcome.

2. Shallow Flirting

   INFJs run from anything they perceive as inauthentic. This is one of the reasons flirting can be a challenge for us. We don’t want to play games with other people’s emotions or our own.
   
   If you want to get close to an INFJ, don’t waste time with silly pick-up lines, random jokes, or playful but hollow words (more on this in #4). The sooner you start talking to them about their passions or deep subjects, the sooner you can move from acquaintances to something more.

3. Being Too Forward

   One of the surest ways to make an INFJ uncomfortable is to be too forward with your approach. This can take the form of intense, direct staring, blunt statements about your intentions or expectations, or rushing your efforts to get to know them.
   
   While we INFJs value authenticity, we also need time to warm up to someone before direct intentions are revealed. If you ask an INFJ on a date when you barely know their name or tell them you’re looking for a serious relationship without even knowing whether they’re interested in you that way, be prepared for rejection.
   
   In terms of staring, INFJs may not mind the occasional stare followed by a quick averting of the eyes. In fact, this is something we sometimes do with people we like—usually averting our eyes even before the other person sees.
   
   But if you stare too directly at them for too long, they may start to feel self-conscious or just find you creepy—unless they like you, too. But even then, don’t be too forward.

4. Giving Hollow Compliments

   We INFJs are human. We like compliments when they’re sincere and warranted. But if you start giving an INFJ compliments that make them feel you’re just telling them what you think they want to hear, they may see it as disingenuous. They may think your interest in them is fake.
   
   Thus, if you’re going to compliment an INFJ, make sure your compliments are sincere. Make sure they’re based in what you actually know about them versus what you think will please them. And know that deep conversation and genuine interest in what they’re saying will go much farther in your efforts to gain their attention and earn their affection.
   
   Also, if you’re going to compliment an INFJ, try not to focus too much on their looks. While INFJs do value and appreciate beauty, we want to be loved for more than the way we look. We want to know you value our insight, our unique perspective on things, or the way we get so much out of long conversations. Be creative with your compliments.

5. Anything They May Perceive as Inauthentic

   Numbers 2 and 4 above are examples of behaviors that an INFJ might perceive as inauthentic. But you should be mindful of any behavior that comes across as inauthentic since that’s one of our main deal-breakers.
   
   If you’re constantly showering an INFJ with gifts when that’s not your thing, pretending to be interested in things you don’t care about, or pretending in any way at all, they’ll be able to pick up on this. They might not pick up on it right away, but because INFJ intuition tends to be strong, eventually they’ll notice.
   
   And when they notice, they’ll want to get as much distance from you as possible. While “just be yourself” is good advice to anyone interested in someone else, this is especially true when you like an INFJ.

Final Thoughts

INFJs long to make deep human connections perhaps more than any other personality type. Because our standards for deep connections are so high, we tend to have few close relationships and they take time to form.

So, the cardinal rule for forming a relationship with an INFJ is this: Go slow. As long as you take your time while getting to know an INFJ and don’t come on too strong, you shouldn’t have to worry about repellant behaviors.

Also know that if an INFJ likes you, they may be more receptive to the above behaviors even if they don’t know you well. But you’ll want to keep them to a minimum at first—and avoid inauthenticity at all costs.

Now it’s your turn. Do you know any behaviors that might unknowingly repel an INFJ? Let me know in the comments.

~ Ashley C.

Last updated: January 29, 2024