Are INFJs Hard to Love?

Photo by Nati Melnychuk on Unsplash

Every person has parts of them that are harder to love than others. INFJs are no exception to this. While we INFJs are deep lovers who care immensely for our partners, there are parts of us that are harder to love and, thus, can make our romantic relationships complicated.

In this post, we’re going to look at four behaviors INFJs should be mindful of if they want to have healthy romantic relationships.

4 Behaviors That May Make INFJs’ Relationships More Challenging

1. We have a hard time opening up to people.

   We INFJs love to go deep. It’s our nature. But we’re also aware that not everyone is like this. And so, rather than bother or bore others with our deep thoughts about life and the universe and our place in it, we keep quiet. We let other people talk. Sometimes we even engage in the polite but painful societal ritual of small talk, but that’s usually as far as we go with most people.
   
   If someone wants to know about our deep inner longings and unconventional views and opinions, they’re going to have to be patient. We need time to get to a place where we can trust this person on multiple levels.
   
   We have to trust that they’re not going to make fun of our unconventional or quirky side. We have to trust that they’re really going to listen to us when we speak. We have to trust that they’ll be willing to be vulnerable with us.
   
   Since many people lack this kind of patience—especially in a world where delayed gratification is becoming a thing of the past—it can be hard for people to get to know INFJs on this level. But anyone who’s willing and patient will get there.

2. We hold our partners to too high standards.

   When an INFJ has found a worthy or compatible partner, their tendency will be to idealize this person. In their eyes, this person has no flaws and can do no wrong. So, when this person inevitably fails in the eyes of the INFJ, that may leave the INFJ deeply angry or disappointed.
   
   They may then become impatient with this person or constantly try to “fix” what they perceive as this person’s flaws or weaknesses. They may even try to push this person to do better or be more. You can imagine how quickly this will become annoying to the other person.
   
   Since we INFJs hold ourselves to high standards, we tend to do the same thing with those we care about. But it’s essential for us to remember that there is no perfect person. We definitely aren’t perfect, so we can’t expect anyone else to be.
   
   Instead, we should get in the habit of loving and accepting people as they are and letting them make whatever progress they choose to make in their own time.
   
   Of course, if they ask for our help, we should be willing to help. But we shouldn’t try to force our idea of who someone should be on them. And if we find that who someone truly is doesn’t match our idea of what we want in a romantic partner, we might have to walk away.
   
   INFJs should never settle in romantic relationships. But we also have to realize that we may have to lower our standards a little to find true love. A relationship with an imperfect, real person will always be better than a relationship with a perfect, fantasy person.

3. We have a hard time making our needs known.

   If you looked at an INFJ’s priority list, you’d notice that they’re either last on it or not there at all. I don’t know why this is, but we just tend to put everyone else first. Their needs are our priority. And our needs? Well, to us, it’s like they don’t exist.
   
   But, of course, we do have needs that need to be met. And if we’re not meeting them, we’ll eventually grow resentful of all the people we feel are responsible for us not meeting them.
   
   Now, we may never have told these people that our needs aren’t being met or even what those needs are. We just assumed they would know. After all, we’re aware of their needs. So, shouldn’t they be aware of ours? Sadly, that’s not usually the case.
   
   If this situation continues for too long, we INFJs will come to a place where we feel burned out and underappreciated. And this may, in turn, cause us to leave relationships that could be healthy—if we could just tell our partner what we need. We may even door-slam people for this reason.
   
   While it’s nice to have a partner who’s already aware of our needs and helps us meet them, we have to remember that, ultimately, we’re responsible for meeting our own needs. That means we have to make a habit of practicing self-care, even if that includes sacrificing time we could spend meeting someone else’s needs. It also means we have to get in the habit of speaking up when we feel our needs aren’t being met.

4. We may want more depth than our partners do.

   An INFJ may have found someone they’re compatible with. They may have found someone who accepts their quirky side, listens when they speak, and is willing to discuss deep things with them. But then they talk about the possibility of starting a romantic relationship and soon realize that they’re not on the same page romantically.
   
   Even if someone is willing to listen and discuss deep things, they may still be looking for less intensity in their romantic relationships. They may not be ready to commit long-term. They may not be looking for a life partner. They may prefer to date just to get to know someone better or because they want the companionship.
   
   But most INFJs are looking for much more than that in our romantic relationships. Though we won’t necessarily start discussing marriage on the first date, we’ll usually commit to dating only if we can picture a future with this person.
   
   If an INFJ encounters someone like this and has already fallen in love with them, it will be extremely hard for them to let go. This is why I think that, once an INFJ has found someone they want to enter a relationship with, they should first make this person aware of how deep their love goes.
   
   In fact, I include that as part of my advice for how an INFJ should respond to a love confession. It’s better for this person to know what they’d be getting into before an INFJ goes all in. And it’s better for an INFJ to know where this person stands in romantic matters before they go all in.

Final Thoughts

Personally, I don’t think INFJs are harder to love than anyone else. And because our love is so deep and constant, any challenges we have in relationships will be overshadowed by the immense joy we and our partners find. But I’ll admit that I’m biased since I am an INFJ.

Again, this post is for INFJs to be mindful of their own behavior in relationships. But it’s also for those who love INFJs to be aware of these tendencies.

It can remind them to be patient as an INFJ comes to trust and open up to them. It can remind them to make an INFJ aware of the times they’re expecting too much. And it can remind them to encourage an INFJ to meet their own needs and, if necessary, look elsewhere for depth in romantic relationships. Just remember that even if you can’t be with an INFJ romantically, an INFJ is a great person to have as a friend.

Now it’s your turn. Do you think INFJs are hard to love? Why or why not?

~ Ashley C.

Last updated: January 29, 2024