What Makes an INFJ Fall in Love?

Photo by Larisa Birta on Unsplash

When people ask what makes an INFJ fall in love, they’re usually looking for a set of qualities or traits INFJs are drawn to. And, indeed, there are traits that INFJs generally admire more than others. This article from Truity describes ten of them beautifully.

But when reading lists like this, it’s essential to keep something in mind. An INFJ may admire all these qualities, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll fall in love with someone who has them.

They may end up just being close friends, which is always a worthwhile relationship to have. But for an INFJ to fall deeply in love with someone, they have to feel a deep emotional connection to them.

Love is a spiritual experience for INFJs, so we need to feel connected to someone on the deepest possible level before we go all in. While having things in common or laughing at the same jokes might pique our interest, that won’t necessarily cause us to fall in love.

An emotional connection isn’t something that can be forced either. It can only be felt.

Based on my experiences as an INFJ and those of other INFJs, I’ve noticed that the deepest connection happens when it happens in the mind, heart, and soul.

Connection of the Mind

INFJs tend to be very intellectual. We like reading books and diving deep into our interests. And we tend to have random or quirky interests that we may hide from most people because we don’t want to be ridiculed or judged for them.

We want to connect with people who are also on the more intellectual side. They don’t have to read all the same books we do or have all the same interests. If they do, that’s great. But if they don’t, they at least have to be willing to let us share our quirky side. And they have to be willing to let us see theirs.

We want to be with people who like reading and discussing books and deep topics in general. Sports and celebrity gossip won’t cut it for us, though those topics may come up. But we want to be able to contemplate the vastness of the universe with our partner.

We want to be able to discuss our future plans with them and our lofty, idealistic goals for making the world a better place. We want to be able to talk about our theories for why things are the way they are and how we can work to improve them. And we want someone who won’t judge us for all the crazy, unconventional ideas we have about everything.

Connection of the Heart

Aside from the chemistry necessary for a romantic relationship to bloom and thrive, a heart connection for an INFJ happens when we feel like we’re approaching life from a similar place as our partner.

This is where shared values come into play, like authenticity, kindness, empathy, and compassion. And if our values lead us to support common causes—like volunteering at an animal shelter—all the better.

Additionally, if an INFJ notices that their partner is attentive to their needs, that will definitely contribute to a heart connection.

I say this often on this site: We INFJs are terrible at looking after our own needs. We just tend not to make ourselves a priority. So, when we first encounter someone who, for example, asks us to do something we enjoy instead of giving them a massage when we offer it, we may actually feel rejected because we’re not used to this selfless behavior.

Most people will welcome the massage and the unofficial therapy session after and the home-cooked meal a little later.

But if someone recognizes we’re giving way too much when we do these things and neglecting our own needs as a result, over time this person will become very dear to us. They just need to make sure they’re looking after their own needs as well.

Basically, we want to feel safe with the person we’re with. We want to know they’ll love and accept us for who we are. And we want to know they won’t take advantage of our kindness or generosity. When we feel a heart connection, we get that sense of safety.

Connection of the Soul

This is that indescribable something an INFJ feels when they fall deeply in love with someone. It’s the something that draws them to their partner or love interest so intensely. It’s the something that makes them willing to do just about anything for the one they love. It’s the something that makes it so just being alone with their partner causes them to feel like they’re on top of the world.

No words need to be spoken. No entertainment needs to be sought. And they don’t need to be anywhere out-of-the-ordinary or doing anything out-of-the-ordinary. They just need to be together. That’s enough to set an INFJ’s heart ablaze.

Though INFJs may not always pick up on this connection right away, since we’re very intuitive, we know it when we feel it. And once we feel it, we go all in, throwing logic and reason to the wind. In fact, an INFJ may go all in if they feel only this connection.

In my opinion, it’s the severing of this connection that causes an INFJ so much pain after heartbreak. To find someone they connect with in this way and then have to separate from them can cause overwhelming pain. But when the relationship lasts, this same connection can cause overwhelming joy.

Final Thoughts

Relationships with INFJs are not to be taken lightly. If, for example, you’re someone who requires constant stimulation, you may not be able to fully appreciate those sacred alone moments INFJs treasure.

If you’re extremely extroverted, you may not respect the alone time INFJs so need to thrive. And if you’re not into depth or going deep, you won’t be able to swim in the deep waters where INFJs live.

But if you’re up for loving an INFJ and embracing the intensity of their love, it will most certainly be an unforgettable experience.

Now I turn it to you. What do you think makes an INFJ fall in love?

~ Ashley C.

Last updated: June 23, 2022