5 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Making a Love Confession

Photo by Sara Cervera on Unsplash

Making a love confession is a delicate matter. And it can also be really, really hard. I talk about why in this post. But if no one ever confessed their love to anyone, love stories wouldn’t start and relationships wouldn’t blossom. And that would probably make Valentine’s Day—which is today, in case you forgot—nonexistent.

So, in spite of the inherent challenges, people over the centuries have had to find the courage to say “I love you” to the one they love. (Ok, obviously they’ve done that for more reasons than to validate Valentine’s Day. Marriage is also a big reason.)

Still, confessing your love for someone never seems to get any easier. But in this post, I’m going to address five questions you might want to ask yourself before you take the plunge.

5 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Confessing Your Love to Someone

1. Do you like this person as more than a friend, are you in love with them, or do you just enjoy their company and wonder if you could become more than friends?

   On this site, you’ll find that I often use the terms “like” and “love” interchangeably. This is because, as soon as you’re talking about liking someone as more than a friend, you’ve entered the realm of romantic love. But when you confess your love for someone, you should be more careful with the words you use. At the very least, you should be aware of how deep your feelings go.
   
   Curiosity is more superficial than like and like is more superficial than love. But when the heart is concerned, all of these feelings can get mixed up.
   
   Maybe your curiosity about your potential romantic future with a friend has you thinking you’re deeply in love with them. But when you take a step back, you’ll realize that you’ve never actually felt a romantic spark with this person. You’re just wondering if such a spark could develop.
   
   If you want to tell them that, go ahead. Hearing their opinion of this situation might help you sort out your feelings further. But if you really are just curious, you might consider confessing hypothetically.
   
   You can just ask something like, “Have you ever thought about what it would be like if we dated?” That should be enough to get the ball rolling.
   
   Alternatively, you may think you’ve been just friends with someone when your devotion to them and actions toward them have long since crossed the friend line. Now you have to be honest with yourself and admit that you’ve had real feelings for them for a while.
   
   And then you have to figure out whether your love for them just crosses the friend line or whether it goes much deeper than that.

2. Does this person treat you with dignity and respect?

   In this post, I talk about why people of the INFJ personality type shouldn’t rush to confess their love to a crush. This is because INFJs love so deeply and there are just too many people out there willing to take advantage of all they have to offer.
   
   When INFJs confess their love to someone, they should feel that this person genuinely cares about them as a person, not because of what they can do for them.
   
   But, really, everyone who desires a partner should be searching for one who treats them with dignity and respect. They should be searching for someone who values them. They should be searching for someone who wants to be with them, not because of what they have to offer, but because of who they are.
   
   If the person you have a crush on is rude to you, ignores you, often pushes you away, or plays games with your feelings, this isn’t the kind of person you want to be confessing your love to. Because the thing is, most likely, things won’t improve if you enter a relationship with them. Most likely, things will only get worse.
   
   What’s more, now that this person knows you have feelings for them, they may try to use that to their advantage. Believe me, you don’t want to put your fragile heart through the pain of being in a relationship with someone like that.
   
   My advice would be to reserve your love for someone who actively seeks out your company—someone who enjoys spending time with you—someone who reaches for you as much as you reach for them. But, as I always say, it’s your life and it’s your heart. So, you make the final decision about what you do with them.

3. Are you ready for the possible responses to your confession?

   In this post, I talk about the possible responses that INFJs can expect after a love confession. But these are really the possible responses anyone can expect. It’s only that the advice there is more tailored for INFJs.
   
   I’ve stated this in different ways in different posts, but really, there are three main responses to a love confession: reciprocation, rejection, and inconclusivity.
   
   If you’re making a love confession, I imagine the response you most want to hear is reciprocation. But rejection is also possible, and the likelihood of being rejected will vary depending on whether or not this person is currently in a relationship.
   
   But then there’s inconclusivity. According to the dictionary, that’s not a real word. Inconclusiveness is supposed to be the noun form of the adjective inconclusive, but I think inconclusivity matches the tone of this response more accurately.
   
   When this is the response you get after you confess your love to someone, it means they either gave no response at all or no clear response.
   
   There’s no way to fully take the sting out of this inconclusive response. And if you’re not careful, it can lead you to doubt your worth as a potential romantic partner and a human being. But if inconclusivity is the response—or non-response—you get after you make a heartfelt love confession, try your best not to take it personally.
   
   A vague response says more about the other person than it does about you. Clearly, this person is having issues with their own life—issues that make them forget things like kindness and human decency.
   
   If this wasn’t true, they would have at least done you the courtesy of saying something clearer after you confessed, even if it had to be a polite rejection. As it is, they’re the one who misstepped here, not you. And you wouldn’t want to be with someone like that anyway.
   
   And remember, sometimes someone won’t respond because they need more time to process what you said. If that’s the case, give them time to process. They may eventually give you the response you were hoping for.

4. Are you ready to start a relationship if this person reciprocates?

   Just because you and someone else both have feelings for each other, that doesn’t mean you automatically have to start dating. I talk more about that in this post where I address the questions people should ask themselves before responding to a love confession.
   
   But what it comes down to is, if for whatever reason you’re not ready to date someone yet, it still doesn’t hurt to confess how you feel.
   
   The thing about feelings is, if they don’t have some form of expression, they can get out of control. If you can’t tell your crush how you feel, I think it’s best to express your feelings creatively or even just journal about them.
   
   But in this case, we’re talking about you having feelings for someone you can confess to. If this is someone worthy of your love—someone who treats you with dignity and respect—I think you owe it to both you and the other person to come clean about how you feel. But then also let them know you’re not ready for a relationship right now.
   
   Maybe you’re too busy. Maybe you’re still healing from heartbreak. Maybe you want to take time to get your life together before bringing someone else into the picture.
   
   This person may also not feel ready to date anyone now, so you two can decide where you’ll go from here. Maybe you’ll stay close friends. Maybe you’ll wait for each other to be ready.
   
   On the other hand, this person could surprise you by popping holes in your arguments. Maybe they’ll realize that all your “reasons” for not wanting to date anyone now are really just a defense mechanism you’re using because you’re afraid of getting hurt. Maybe they’ll agree to take things slow. Maybe they’ll support you in your efforts to get your life together.
   
   If it’s coming from a loving place, don’t decline any help this person wants to offer. And if it’s really fear that’s keeping you from wanting to enter a relationship, don’t push away their efforts to help you release that fear.
   
   But if they do help in any way, make sure you’re both clear whether they’re doing this purely as a friend or because they’re hoping their efforts will help you see that there’s room in your life for a romantic partner after all.

5. Is it possible you’re confusing love and infatuation?

   Love and infatuation are easy to get mixed up because some of the feelings we get with both are the same. But if you’re infatuated with someone, you may convince yourself you love them even if you’re not compatible or you don’t know them well. This could lead you to confess your love prematurely.
   
   If you need it, here’s a little guidance on how to tell the difference between love and infatuation:
   
   Infatuation forms quickly, love forms slowly. Infatuation is based on the idea of a person, love is based on the whole person. Infatuation is based on an ideal, love is based on what’s real. Infatuation is shallow, love is deep.
   
   So, before you confess your love for someone, take time to evaluate whether it’s really love you feel or infatuation. Sometimes infatuation is all it takes to give you the courage to confess your feelings for someone. And if what you feel is infatuation, it’s still safe to tell someone that you like them.
   
   But it can’t hurt to hold off on confessing your feelings until they go deeper. You can ask someone to go out with you if you’re infatuated. And as you get to know each other, you’ll notice whether or not deeper feelings form.
   
   And if your feelings go deeper, you’ll find it easier to make your confession because you’ll be surer about how you feel. Being sure about how you feel is one of the best ways I know to make a love confession easier.
   
   And if you’re sure what you feel is love even after knowing someone a short time or knowing little about them, far be it from me to stop you from confessing. As a hopeless romantic, I believe love at first sight (or encounter) is real.

Final Thoughts

Confessing love is hard. Responding to a love confession is hard. Relationships are hard. Basically, love is hard. But that’s why it’s so rewarding when people find a way to make it work.

If you’re having trouble making a love confession, I hope asking yourself these questions first helps. But, despite the timing of this post, I would advise you not to confess your love today. I really hope your crush reciprocates your feelings. But if they don’t, you don’t want to stain Valentine’s Day with that rejection or inconclusivity.

Instead, give your crush a special Valentine if you can and wait until at least tomorrow to confess. I give similar advice about confessing on Christmas. But that’s just my opinion. Do whatever feels right to you.

Now it’s your turn. What questions do you think people should ask themselves before they confess their love to someone?

~ Ashley C.

P.S. Happy Valentine’s Day! And if you’re single this Valentine’s Day, remember that it’s not just a day for celebrating lovers—it’s a day for celebrating love. So, take time to show someone you love how much you love them.

Last updated: January 29, 2024