How Can an INFJ Avoid Falling Too Deeply in Love with Someone They've Never Met?
Photo by Fiona Murray on Unsplash
Oh, celebrities. Aren’t they wonderful? They create this beautiful image of themselves to present to the world, and it’s all too easy to fall in love with that image. In fact, that’s usually what they’re hoping for—crushes equal sales.
It’s also too easy to imagine that image isn’t just an image—to think you’re experiencing and falling in love with a complete person. And if this celebrity is a singer and you bring them into your private world where you and their voice are alone together…I’ll leave you to fill in the blanks.
My longest-lasting celebrity crush was on a multi-talented performer. I remember celebrating the anniversary of the day I fell in love with him for a few years. And I remember feeling like all his love songs were about me.
I actually saw him in concert twice, but I never got to meet him. Eventually, I watched one interview too many and found that we weren’t as compatible as I thought. Oh well. He’s married now anyway, and I’m happy for him. But while I was in love with him, my emotions were intense.
Still, a person doesn’t have to be a celebrity for you to love them even if you’ve never met. Maybe they live in your apartment building but you’ve never spoken to them. Or maybe you see them at a local coffee shop sometimes. Or maybe they work at a restaurant or a store you frequent.
Whatever the situation, we humans are very capable of falling in love with someone who doesn’t know we exist. It’s one of the three types of unrequited love. For INFJs, with our creative minds and deep emotions, this potential can be even greater.
If you’re an INFJ who tends to fall in love with people you’ve never met, the following tips may help keep you from losing your mind over them.
But before I get into the tips, I just wanted to let you know that if you’re an INFJ who’s looking for a refuge where you’re free to feel all your intense feelings of love while getting more advice on how to handle them, you might want to check out INFJ Crush Corner. Click here to learn more.
5 Tips to Help INFJs Keep from Falling Too Deeply in Love With Someone They’ve Never Met
Find a healthy outlet for your emotions.
I’ve offered this tip as advice several times—like when moving on from an unrequited crush—because it’s essential whenever you’re feeling any strong emotions. If you’re deeply in love with someone you haven’t yet met, those emotions can get out of control if you don’t find a healthy outlet for them.
Make up stories about the two of you, write your feelings in a journal, put them to music, paint them on a canvas—do something to keep them from building up inside you. If you don’t find a healthy way to let your emotions out, they will come out anyway—usually in unplanned and unhealthy ways.Remember you’re only in love with the idea of someone you don’t know.
You may have seen every video this person ever posted. You may have watched every interview. You may have been one of their first followers on social media. You may have all their books, albums, movies, or whatever they create. And you may know their birthday, their height, and their favorite food, color, sport, and animal. But until you meet them, you still don’t really know them.
As long as you’re in love with someone you haven’t met, you’re only in love with the idea of them. It’s true that in real life, you could actually be compatible. But you won’t know that until you meet.
Of course, I know from experience that this will turn your prayers toward meeting this person. I think those are fine prayers to offer. But don’t forget that in this crazy world, there are a lot of things to pray about and hope for.
Don’t let your feelings for this person keep you from paying attention to the needs and wishes of those around you. And don’t let them cause you to neglect your other desires.Keep the fantasizing to a minimum.
I include this as a tip in this post and it’s included here for the same reason. Unrequited crushes are chiefly sustained by fantasies. The more you fantasize about this person, the more desperate you will be to have them in your life. If you don’t have a healthy outlet for your emotions, this desperation can be taken to unhealthy levels.
One way to keep it in check is to avoid fantasizing too much about this person. It’s ok if you want to envision a future together from time to time—if this person is single—but try switching up your fantasies.
Invent a fantasy crush who you can fantasize about to your heart’s content. This will keep you from dwelling too much on your idealized version of this out-of-reach person—who may or may not be anything like the real person.If they’re very out-of-reach, limit your exposure to them.
If we’re talking about a celebrity or someone far away, you’re going to want to limit how much time you spend with their image. (Keep in mind that it’s their image you’re spending time with because, as of now, you have yet to meet the real person.)
If they’re a singer or a musician, it’s fine if you want to keep their songs on replay. But make sure you listen to music by other artists, too. If they’re an actor, watch shows or movies that don’t include them in your rotation of their shows or movies.
And try to limit how much time you spend watching interviews and visiting their social media pages. For example, you can set aside half an hour to an hour per week to fill yourself up with updates of this person’s life. But that’s it. When that thirty- to sixty-minute interval is over, stop looking and do something else.
And while you’re taking in all this information, make sure you’re evaluating how you feel afterward. What you’re exposed to is this person’s public persona. This is the version of who they are that they want people to see. Does anything about this person make you uncomfortable? Do all of their posts, comments, and videos settle well with you?
If there’s anything about this person that bothers you now, it’s likely that even if you got the chance to meet them in real life, it would bother you even more. For example, if you find some of their comments offensive, you can be fairly sure they don’t reserve those comments only for public display.
Still, it’s also possible that this public persona is a stilted or fake version of the real person. Maybe you would actually feel more comfortable with that person if you could meet them. But, of course, you won’t know that until you do.
So, if there’s anything that makes you uncomfortable now, that’s all the more reason to limit your exposure to what they present publicly. If you get the chance to meet them in real life, then you can know whether your feelings were founded on fiction or reality.If you can, find a way to meet them.
If you really want to know whether you and this person are meant to be, you’re going to have to meet them. So, if they’re someone within reach, summon all the courage you can find and approach them the first time you get an opportunity.
If, for instance, this person lives in your building, try to talk to them when they don’t seem to be in a hurry. If they’re going out to walk their dog, ask if they could use some company.
If this person is someone you see out and about sometimes, try to pay more attention to their interests. If they ever read books in public, for instance, note what books they read. Then, when you can, ask them about them.
You could even try reading them if you haven’t already so you have more to discuss with them. And it’s a good sign if they’re reading books you’ve already read or were already planning to read.
And if you do get the amazing, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to meet a celebrity you admire, I hope it’s all you imagined it to be and more. I also hope it’s in a more private setting. I hope it’s not just to see them to take a picture and get an autograph, though that would be cool, too. But I hope you get a chance to talk a little, however briefly. A little talk can go a long way.
If you know in advance you’ll get the chance to talk to them, take time to prepare what you’re going to say. I know we INFJs don’t always express ourselves in real life as eloquently as we would like to. So, when the stakes are high, preparation is crucial.
Just remember, if you do get this opportunity, don’t waste it. Don’t go crazy. Don’t scream when you meet them. Just talk to them like a normal person. If you do that, you never know if this person may feel a real connection that prompts them to give you a way to keep in touch.
You can also try reaching out to celebrities on social media. If they have millions of followers, you’ll probably have to post, share, like, and retweet a lot before they pay attention—if they ever do.
But if they have fewer followers, they’ll be more likely to respond. Just be yourself while posting what you think they might find relevant or intriguing. Share interesting content. Make profound comments. Give heartfelt compliments. And then you never know what will happen.
Final Thoughts
It’s hard to be in love with someone you’ve never met. But sometimes you can’t help yourself. Sometimes you come to a place where you’re not finding what you want in the people around you and this faraway person seems to be more like what you’re seeking.
Or else you feel your life is a little stale right now and this person adds color and spice to it. As long as you have a healthy outlet for your emotions and keep your fantasies reigned in, I don’t see a problem here.
But don’t make the mistake of not giving people around you a chance because your expectations are too high. No one is perfect, not even this celebrity or faraway person, even if you imagine them to be.
This person will not be able to fulfill all your fantasies in a way no one you’ve ever met has been able to. They may be able to fulfill some, but they will have their flaws just like everyone else. Don’t ever settle for less than true love, but don’t let yourself believe that true love can only happen with a perfect person. Such a person doesn’t exist.
Now it’s your turn. How do you think INFJs can keep themselves from falling too deeply in love with someone they’ve never met?
~ Ashley C.
P.S. If you’re an INFJ or someone who loves deeply and you would like tips and advice about crushes, unrequited love, and the search for a romantic partner, feel free to join “The INFJ Search for Love” newsletter!
If you've ever had a crush as an INFJ, you know how intense an experience it can be. INFJ Crush Corner is a place for INFJs to lose themselves in the intensity of INFJ crushes while also getting helpful, in-depth advice on how to deal with them. Below you'll find some of the benefits included when you join. I hope to see you there!
Last updated: December 12, 2024