How Can an INFJ Avoid Falling Too Deeply in Love with Someone They Just Met?
Photo by Larisa Birta on Unsplash
As an INFJ, I know what it’s like when you meet someone and think instantly, “This is the one.” But then days, weeks, and months pass and you learn, one way or another, that you were wrong. What you thought was romance in bloom turned out to be nothing more than a pleasant encounter or the beginning of a painful love story.
INFJs should feel free to love with all their heart. But because not everyone can handle the INFJ brand of love, they should also be careful about who they love with all their heart.
If you’re an INFJ with a tendency to fall in love easily with people you’ve just met, below I present eight tips on how you can take back some control of your emotions.
Before I get into them, though, I just wanted to let you know that if you’re an INFJ who’s looking for a refuge where you’re free to feel your intense emotions while getting more advice on how to handle them, you might want to check out INFJ Crush Corner. Click here to learn more.
8 Tips to Help INFJs Keep Themselves From Falling Too Hard Too Fast
Be logical.
I know, I know. As an INFJ, the last thing you want to do when you’re in love is be logical. You want to go all in right away and feel all those lovely emotions as deeply as you can. And in a perfect world, that would be perfectly fine.
The problem is, we don’t live in a perfect world. And if you’re not careful with your feelings, you will get your heart broken—many, many times. This is true for everyone, but especially so for INFJs. I’m speaking from experience here.
Before you allow yourself to go all in, make sure this is someone worthy of all you have to give. Ask yourself questions like, are you two compatible? Do you share the same values? Is there chemistry? Do they reach for you as much as you reach for them? These things are important, so keep them in mind before going all in.Ask for advice from someone you trust.
Getting an objective perspective of your situation from someone you trust can help you keep your emotions in check. You don’t have to do everything this person tells you, but still hear them out. Their impartial advice could save you from a lot of heartache if you heed it.
It helps if this person is older and wiser than you or if they understand well how relationships work. And if they’ve given you solid advice in the past, you definitely want to hear their opinion of your current situation.
But also remember that this is your life. So, after this person offers their advice, you decide what you’re going to do with your heart.Ask for advice from someone who knows them.
If possible, it’s also a good idea to talk to someone who knows this person well. Now, because everyone will have a different relationship with this person, the perception you get will differ depending on who you ask.
Ideally, you shouldn’t ask someone who doesn’t get along with them, unless you only want to hear about their negative traits. But if you can find someone who’ll give you an honest opinion, you should.
Still, this is no replacement for getting to know this person yourself. But the insight you glean from talking to people who know them could prove invaluable.
I might have avoided my longest-lasting and most painful crush if I had only heeded advice from someone who knew him. But at the time she gave it, I didn’t want to believe her because I was too lost in my own world of intense love and I thought she just wanted to make him look bad.
It’s also possible that, on some level, I didn’t want to let go of this crush because it would have been like letting go of my first crush. I go into this more in this post. But for whatever reason, I didn’t heed the advice this person gave, and I faced the consequences for not doing so.
It’s true that, if you talk to someone who knows this person you like, they may tell you things about them that aren’t true or that are sharply skewed by their perception. There are at least two sides to every story, after all.
But I think it’s still worthwhile to listen to people who knew someone you just met before you met them. As you get to know them on your own, it’s up to you to decide what kind of person they are.Remember the past.
I know this may seem counter to what people usually advise us to do with the past. We’re supposed to forget the past—leave it behind us. While I do believe we shouldn’t let the past control us, we should definitely learn lessons from past mistakes to avoid making them again in the future.
If, for instance, in the past you’ve made the mistake of going too deep emotionally with someone you just met and it didn’t turn out well, be mindful of that—especially if it happened more than once.
Granted, this is a different person and the result could be different this time. But the result could also be exactly the same or similar. So, why not try a different approach? Why not try waiting for this other person to reach out to you? If they don’t, this may be a crush you’ll have to walk away from.
I know it can also be hard to walk away from a crush because you may think, “I don’t want to miss out on this chance for love.” But the thing is, this may not be the chance you had been hoping for.
If you’re doing most of the reaching in this relationship or if this person only seems vaguely interested in you or only interested in what you can do for them, that’s not love. True love has to be a two-way street. If you’re finding that it’s one-way, you have to turn around and choose a different route.Keep the fantasizing to a minimum.
One of the main things that causes a crush to develop quickly are the fantasies that accompany it. After you’ve just met a wonderful person, your active, creative INFJ mind will start imagining all sorts of beautiful love stories about the two of you. And, of course, you won’t want these fantasies to end, so you allow them to play incessantly in your mind.
Even if you don’t encounter this person often, it doesn’t matter. Your fantasies and ruminations about this person will continue to fuel your crush. And any encounters you do have will serve as more fuel for the fire—and more fuel for your fantasies.
I think fantasizing is a wonderful thing. It offers nourishment for creativity and provides an outlet for the longings of single people. But if you’re an INFJ trying not to fall too hard for someone you’ve just met, I would advise you not to fantasize too often about this person.Remember your tendency to idealize.
It has taken me many years to fully grasp this concept. If you’ve only just met someone and you find yourself falling in love with them, you’re really only in love with the idea of them. You can’t know them well enough yet to know whether you two are really compatible. It’s possible you felt a connection or chemistry when you met, but unless you ask the other person directly, you can’t really know how they feel.
In your mind, though, you know exactly how they feel. They felt the same connection you felt when you two met and they’re thinking they’ve found true love as well. And in your mind, they become this perfect person you’ve always wanted to be with.
The version of them you see in your mind—the version you’re falling in love with—may indeed be an ideal person for you. But you don’t yet know the real person well enough to know whether that holds true in real life.
So, before going all in, take time to see if this person is as good for you as you imagine them to be. Your feelings may have been exactly right—they felt a connection and soon you’ll begin a beautiful relationship.
But even if that happens, don’t expect any human to live up to the ideal version of them you’ve created in your mind. Some may come close, though.Stay busy.
One of the best ways I know to avoid thinking too much about a crush is to stay busy. But for INFJs, this can’t be just staying busy running errands or cleaning the house or doing things that don’t require much mental exertion. When an INFJ wants to avoid fantasizing and ruminating, they have to make sure their mind is occupied.
If you’re working out, for instance, don’t just do the same workout every day. Learn a new workout, one that causes you to invest mental energy in learning new steps, new moves, or a new routine. Cook something new and complex. Read a book. Write a story. Just make sure your mind is occupied.
For INFJs, if we’re trying to avoid overthinking, it’s not enough for our body to be busy. It’s all too easy for us to get lost in our fantasy world while we’re mindlessly sweeping or jogging down the same path we jog down every day.
It’s also important to take time throughout the day to refocus on the physical world. Take note of the smells you smell, the sounds you hear, the sights you see, the feeling of whatever you’re holding or touching, and the taste of the foods and drinks you consume.
This is a form of mindfulness and it forces you to concentrate on the present moment. When you’re focused on the here and now, your mind isn’t off somewhere in love story land. But you can and should definitely visit that place, just not too often.Remember that you can hold back if you want to.
As an INFJ, your default option for loving is “go all in.” But you can actually choose to hold back your intense wave of emotions until you’ve decided that this person you like is worthy of and can handle your love.
I mention this in my post The Most Challenging Aspects of Loving as an INFJ. To avoid scaring off potential admirers, it’s a good idea to practice not going too deep right away.
It might help to imagine that you’ve placed your heart in a safe with a lock. Don’t unlock your heart until you know it’s safe to do so. Or you can use any other visualization strategy you find works for you.
You can even try to prepare your potential partner for what they can expect when you let your heart go. Just remember, like with many things in life, no one can be fully prepared for INFJ love until they experience it firsthand.
Final Thoughts
I wish we lived in a world where everyone was free to love as openly and deeply and intensely as they wanted to without the risk of heartbreak. But, so far, I’ve found that kind of world exists only in our minds. Even so, it might be better this way. If there were no risk of heartbreak in love, maybe love wouldn’t be as sweet.
INFJs, know that you have a lot of love to offer the world. And when you find that special person with whom you can trust your heart, don’t be afraid to go all in.
Now it’s your turn. What advice would you give to an INFJ trying not to fall too deeply in love with someone they just met?
~ Ashley C.
P.S. If you’re an INFJ or someone who loves deeply and you would like tips and advice about crushes, unrequited love, and the search for a romantic partner, feel free to join “The INFJ Search for Love” newsletter!
If you've ever had a crush as an INFJ, you know how intense an experience it can be. INFJ Crush Corner is a place for INFJs to lose themselves in the intensity of INFJ crushes while also getting helpful, in-depth advice on how to deal with them. Below you'll find some of the benefits included when you join. I hope to see you there!
Last updated: December 12, 2024