The Most Challenging Aspects of Loving as an INFJ

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INFJ love is beautiful and mysterious. Its depth and intensity can boggle the mind. But this kind of love is not without its challenges. We INFJs should keep the following five things in mind when determining where to place our heart.

5 Challenges INFJs May Face When Falling in Love

1. INFJs go all in. Most people don’t—at least not right away.

   INFJs are not known for casual dating. We’re searching for our soulmate or life partner. While we may not go into a relationship discussing marriage right away, people won’t usually find us jumping from one relationship to another without any lasting commitment or deep emotions involved.
   
   Non-INFJs have the capacity to go all in. But they usually need time before they’re comfortable taking their feelings to that level. It can be hard, then, for INFJs to find people who will readily accept our desire to go deep from the beginning. But those people are out there, so we shouldn’t lose hope.
   
   Even so, INFJs may want to practice not going too deep from the beginning. We will almost always go deeper than others right away, but even we should be careful about investing everything we have into someone we just met or barely know.

2. INFJs tend to give too much, often neglecting themselves in the process.

   INFJs are known for their generous nature. But this can be taken to unhealthy levels when it involves people we share relationships with, particularly romantic relationships.
   
   It’s not uncommon for us INFJs to neglect our own needs in our efforts to please a partner or romantic interest. We may need space, deep conversation, down time after socializing, or even a snack after a long day, but we may not say anything if it means inconveniencing someone we love.
   
   For INFJs to have healthy relationships, we have to get used to voicing our needs, as this article from Introvert, Dear explains. And if the people we love have a problem with this, that’s a warning sign.
   
   You don’t want to be with anyone who won’t let you take care of yourself. And, anyway, only by taking care of yourself can you have the strength and energy to take care of those you love.

3. INFJs have trouble letting go.

   In this post, I talk about why I think INFJs have so much trouble letting go. This can be especially difficult when it comes to romantic relationships. Because of the depth of INFJ love, it can be hard for us to move on from someone we’ve loved, whether that love was reciprocal or not.
   
   This is an issue I have a lot of experience with. If you need any help moving on from an unrequited crush, this post may help.
   
   Fortunately, I have discovered that we INFJs are also very capable of opening our heart to someone new once we have moved on—and even before. But for INFJs to truly move on, it’s important for us to remember that the person we loved will always be a part of us, and that’s ok. As long as the yearning for that person is gone, we’re good to go.

4. INFJs fall in love first and reflect later.

   The F in INFJ stands for Feeling. INFJs are feelers. We like to lead with emotions rather than reason and logic. While this can lead us to do amazing things, it can also cause us to end up in unhealthy relationships.
   
   For example, we may feel that someone is hurting and see ourselves as capable of healing them. So, we enter a relationship with this person, hoping that will put us in the best position to heal them.
   
   The problem is, too often people with problems don’t want to be healed. And since they like the attention they get by appearing wounded, they may choose not to get help they know they need so the attention continues.
   
   When we help people who refuse to help themselves, we’re actually harming them. And we’re also harming ourselves. While we do have a lot of love to give, even our love has its limits—as do our time, energy, and patience.
   
   INFJs should never be afraid to help a fellow human in need, but we must remember that being in a relationship with that person isn’t the only way to help. Sometimes, in fact, cutting that person out of our lives is the best thing we can do for them—it may just be the wake-up call they need.

5. INFJs have a tendency to fantasize and idealize excessively.

   Because we INFJs spend so much time in our heads, it’s not uncommon for us to fantasize about our idea of an ideal relationship. The problem is, reality rarely lives up to the expectations we come to expect as a result of excessive fantasizing. So, INFJs can be disappointed by the actual state of things when the time comes for us to experience them.
   
   We can also idealize someone we like or someone we’re in a relationship with. This can cause us to overlook flaws we shouldn’t be overlooking—like, for instance, a tendency to lie, break promises, or take advantage of our generosity.
   
   It’s true that, to have a healthy relationship, you have to overlook your partner’s flaws. But it’s also important to understand that not all flaws a person may have should be ignored.
   
   When determining which flaws to ignore, ask yourself questions like, can you live with those flaws or not? Do they keep you from having a healthy relationship with this person or are they just quirks that, in fact, make this person even more endearing?
   
   As much as INFJs love to lead with emotions, we have to use some reason when it comes to determining the health of our relationships.
   
   Also, remember that people don’t want to be loved for who we imagine them to be. They want to be loved for who they are. So, while it’s perfectly fine to see someone’s potential, make sure it’s not their potential you’re in love with.

Final Thoughts

I believe INFJ love is one of the most amazing forms of human love that exists. But not everyone can handle this type of love. Some will find it too strong for their taste. Others will misuse it. All INFJs should be wary of these kinds of people and avoid investing too many emotions into relationships with them.

But we should also be aware that there are people in this world who yearn to be loved the way INFJs love. I don’t think any INFJ should stop their search for love until they find someone like that to entrust their heart with.

Now I turn it to you. What do you consider the greatest challenges for INFJs when loving?

~ Ashley C.

P.S. If you’re an INFJ or someone who loves deeply and you would like tips and advice about crushes, unrequited love, and the search for a romantic partner, feel free to join “The INFJ Search for Love” newsletter!

Last updated: July 1, 2024