Why Is Letting Go So Hard for INFJs?

Photo by Haley Phelps on Unsplash

Everyone has things it’s hard for them to let go of. It could be a romantic partner who hurt them or thoughts about what they said or didn’t say in class or at a meeting or to a friend or family member. It could be a mistake they made once or a habit they’re struggling to break. Whatever it is, we’ve all had trouble letting go of something.

For INFJs in particular, though, letting go can be even more difficult. But why? Why is it so hard?

Mindfulness

Part of the problem, I think, is a lack of mindfulness. If you’re new to the concept of mindfulness, you can read the article “What is Mindfulness?” on the Mindful website to learn more about it.

The way I understand it, mindfulness is the practice of being fully present for every moment. Mindfulness can be a form of meditation, where you take time out of your day to relax your mind. But mindfulness can also be practiced throughout the day, in everything you do.

Instead of mindlessly gulping down your food, for instance, you can slow down and mindfully savor every bite. You can pay particular attention to the spices that are used and how they complement each other. You can make note of the texture of the food. Mindfulness is what enables us to fully enjoy life.

Whenever you do something “absentmindedly” or “without thinking,” you’re not being mindful. That’s how people misplace things, by not being in the moment and mindfully setting them somewhere.

That’s also why people can have trouble letting go. Instead of focusing on the here and now, they’re dwelling on the past—what they said or didn’t say, what they did or didn’t do. In the case of difficulty letting go of a person, most likely they’re remembering all the good times and overlooking the bad. They’re forgetting that, for one reason or another, it’s better for that person to not be in their life.

People can also have trouble letting go of fear and anxiety. This means they’re dwelling on the future—on what might or might not happen, and what the result of that will be. In times of great uncertainty, like the one we’re living in now, I can imagine anxious thoughts occur even more frequently, possibly even to people who have never been known to be anxious.

But these are all just imagined possibilities. Fear and anxiety force us to live in a world that exists only in our minds. Instead of reacting to reality, we react to what might possibly (but may never actually) happen. As Calvin Coolidge once said,

If you see ten troubles coming down the road, you can be sure that nine will run into the ditch before they reach you.

INFJs Think and Feel

I’m not going to pretend that I’m an expert at mindfulness. Letting go is one of the things I’m worst at. Since I’m a perfectionist, it can be really hard for me to let go of mistakes I’ve made, real or imagined. And my posts “Why Do INFJs Love So Hard?” and “Why Can’t Real Life Be More Like the Movies?” describe my struggles to let go of the people I’ve loved. Mindfulness is still very new to me, and I’m still working to put it into daily practice.

But I think the main reason INFJs have so much trouble letting go is because of how much time we spend in our heads. We’re introverts who like to think deeply and ruminate often. At the same time, though, we’re feelers, the F in INFJ standing for Feeling. So, if certain thoughts arouse particularly strong feelings in us, it makes sense that we would dwell on those more than we should.

We want to take them apart and analyze them or feel those intense emotions again and again. Thinking deeply fuels us, especially when we’re thinking about something we feel intensely. So, even if what we’re dwelling on is unhealthy, there’s a part of us that wants to keep dwelling anyway.

They’re Just Thoughts

One thing I’ve noticed about these things we have trouble letting go of is, really, they’re all just thoughts. They’re not tangible things or visible enemies we have to fight. They’re thoughts produced by the brain—thoughts of the past, thoughts of the future, thoughts of people.

When I have just recently made a mistake, for instance, my mind will replay that mistake over and over again like a video stuck on replay. And every time I see the mistake replayed, it causes me renewed anguish.

But the sooner I recognize that I don’t have to just sit and watch those replays, the sooner I can actively change the channel in my mind to something more pleasant. The more I do that, the more the replays fade until they either go away altogether or become so infrequent as to be almost unnoticeable.

The same idea applies to fear and anxiety. Whenever a frightening thought occurs to me, I try to replace it with a soothing or reassuring thought. It may be a quote I like. Or it may be a pleasant memory. Or it may just be me reminding myself of what I believe and know to be true.

All people could benefit from practicing mindfulness, but I think it would be especially useful for INFJs. It might help them learn from past mistakes without dwelling on them too much and give them the courage to try new things, making and learning from new mistakes in the process.

But practicing mindfulness will require that INFJs first distinguish between which thoughts they should and shouldn’t be dwelling on. I wouldn’t want to see INFJs stop ruminating altogether. That’s one way they come up with solutions to life’s problems. The key is to make sure their ruminations are healthy.

Learning to Let Go

I don’t believe we can always control the thoughts that come to our minds. But we can change the channel if we don’t like what we see. Letting go, then, becomes the practice of changing the channel. And that requires us to mindfully focus on now.

As for letting go of people, it’s taken me years to figure out a process that works for me. The problem I’ve had there has been the opposite problem I’ve had with letting go of other things—I was already replacing negative thoughts of those people with positive ones. I didn’t want to start emphasizing the negative and forgetting the positive, especially when the positive filled me with such warm feelings.

So, I had to find a different way to let go. If you’re having trouble moving on from an unrequited crush, for instance, I talk about some of the strategies I’ve used in this post.

A Note About Art

I want to add one more thing. I think mindfulness is a great tool for finding joy and happiness in everyday life. But when those troubling thoughts about the past and the future come, they make great fuel for art. The trick is to leave them in the art so you can live your life to the full. And if you share your art, you can help other people cope with their struggles and pain.

Now it’s your turn. Why do you think letting go is so hard for INFJs?

~ Ashley C.

P.S. If you’re an INFJ or someone who loves deeply and you would like tips and advice about crushes, unrequited love, and the search for a romantic partner, feel free to join “The INFJ Search for Love” newsletter!

Last updated: June 7, 2024