Why Do People Look Outside Themselves for Their Identity?

Photo by Bruna Branco on Unsplash

I see no problem in seeking guidance when searching for your life path. And I know part of finding your path includes finding your identity. In fact, it’s essential to know who you are to discover your place in this world. What I take issue with is when people feel incapable of discovering who they are on their own.

Looking for Answers in Others

Sometimes people look for the answers to their life questions in other people or, worse, they let others tell them who they are and what their identity should be. It’s because of this tendency that we have things like gender roles and the imaginary molds society tries to place us in.

Instead of taking time away from others to look inside and figure out who they were meant to be, some people wait for other people to tell them, like church leaders, teachers, and family members. This isn’t right.

Reasons for Seeking Identity Elsewhere

One of the reasons I think people prefer to look outside for their identity is because it’s easier than looking inside. It can be scary to find out all that’s inside you—to answer all those hard questions and discover parts of yourself you didn’t know were there. And after making those discoveries, you have an unspoken obligation to do something with them.

But if someone else is telling you who to be, it’s like having a boss for your life. If something goes wrong, that person is responsible, and you can always go back to them for more advice. But if you’re in charge of your life, you’re responsible for all your choices. That kind of responsibility can be frightening. But you have to take responsibility for your life if you want to be truly free.

Adopting one of those imaginary molds is another easy road. It’s harder to live in a way you’ve never seen anyone else live before. But it’s more fulfilling to be fully you than to fulfill someone else’s idea of who you should be.

It can also be intimidating to be truly yourself because you don’t know if anyone will like or accept the real you. If you haven’t been living that way, the people around you are used to a fabrication of you. But the way I see it, the people who really love you will welcome the real you. And as long as you’re comfortable being who you are, that’s all that matters.

Embarking on the Journey

I encourage everyone to go on a journey of self-discovery at some point in their life, even if they don’t ever feel especially lost. I think it’s always wise to take time alone to learn whether your identity is rooted in who you are or in who others think you should be.

If you want more guidance on how to take a journey like this, by all means, seek more guidance. But be careful not to let the guide take control. They should only point you in the right direction, then let you do the hard work on your own.

The thing is, people may try to convince you that acting a certain way or settling into a certain mold is “the way it’s supposed to be,” or even God’s will. In practice, I’ve found that the “right way” for people to live is different for everyone. And no human can tell you what your right way to live is. Only God can tell you that. And if you want to hear Him clearly, it helps to be alone, away from all the distractions of life.

You don’t have to spend weeks or months away from the world to find yourself. Even just taking some time alone every day or once a week could do wonders. But during this distraction-free time, make a point to think, ponder, and listen. And remember that when you listen, you’re not necessarily listening for an audible voice. It’s more like something that moves you in the deepest parts of your being.

Final Thoughts

If you want to discover your identity, don’t wait for someone else to show you who you are. Take time to discover that for yourself. And then don’t ever let anyone try to fit you into one of their molds again.

Now it’s your turn. Why do you think people look outside themselves for their identity?

~ Ashley C.

Last updated: June 23, 2022