Why Do We Measure Self-Worth in "Likes" and "Follows"?

Photo by Becca Tapert on Unsplash

I can’t say whether the tendency to compare ourselves to others is learned or innate. But I can say that it’s a strong tendency and it can be seen in even young children. As soon as a child starts talking about how many more toys another child has or how many more kids came to a classmate’s birthday party, you know the comparisons have begun.

My Hair Comparisons

When I was in elementary school, I wanted straight hair like other girls had so I could style it myself and put it into a ponytail. In sixth grade, when I got a perm, my wish was granted.* But along with the freedom I had to play with my hair came the burden of maintaining a perm—the stinging and burning of the perm itself, plus hours at the hairdresser’s house, most of which was spent under an uncomfortably hot hair dryer.

I endured this for the next six years. But right after I graduated from high school, I got rid of my perm and never looked back. True, I can’t style my hair like I used to, but I am free to swim, travel, and take walks in the rain without worrying about what I’m going to do with my hair. That’s the freedom I cherish now.

The thing is, I doubt I ever would have felt inclined to change my hair had it not been for me being exposed to other kinds of hair. And that was just me comparing myself to other kids around me—and maybe sometimes the people I saw on TV. But now the internet has given people yet another way to compare themselves—in “likes” and “follows.” And these aren’t just the “likes” and “follows” of their friends and family—they’re the “likes” and “follows” of the world.

Comparisons on Social Media

Say, for instance, you’ve just started on a social media site and you have 50 followers. That’s not bad, especially if they’re real people following you. But then you start noticing that other people have 100 or 1,000 or 1,000,000 followers. Now your 50 followers seem like nothing to you. And so you try ever more creative and desperate ways to get people to hit that “follow” button on your site.

But why? What value is there really in having people “follow” you? I’ve found that sometimes people will follow you just so you’ll follow them. And when you do, they un-follow you. That’s how shallow this has become. So, why do we place so much value on “follows” and “likes”? Before the rise of the internet, people already had enough inferiority battles to fight. Why do we need more?

The Superficiality of Popularity

The “follower” or “like” count is a visual measure of popularity. So, if someone has a lot of followers or likes, it seems like they’re popular.

The thing is, popularity is very superficial. If you use popularity as a measure of self-worth, you’re sure to live a life full of dissatisfaction because it’s hard to stay popular without compromising parts of what make you unique. And a life full of compromise is one that’s deeply unfulfilling.

After all, what does it really matter if you have 50,000 followers? Are you living out your life purpose? Are you doing your part to leave the world better than you found it? Do your followers know the real you or a version you fabricated to gain more attention?

A high “follower” or “like” count can also seem to indicate success. And, in terms of business, for example, success is linked to money. Thus, it would seem that more likes and follows equals more success, which equals more money. But then the danger comes when you use money to evaluate self-worth. To determine the value of a human being, money is an empty measure indeed.

Make Your Posts Mean Something

Sometimes, when I read what people post to gain followers, I find myself thinking, “Did this really need to be shared with the world? Couldn’t you have just told those closest to you?” Maybe I’m being too harsh. But I strongly concur with Jorge Luis Borges’ sentiment: “Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.”

With stay-at-home orders in place around the country, I know people have a lot more free time to spend on social media. And that means more time to try to gain more followers and more time for comparisons. But the way I see it, the only people you want following your sites are people who genuinely care about what you have to say.

So, if I were to give any advice in this post, it would be this. Focus on making connections that mean something. And that means, only post when you have something of value to contribute. Otherwise, you’re clogging up the silence with noise and nonsense. And there are a lot of good answers in the silence that you’ll miss as a result.

Why I Don’t Use Social Media

You’ll notice that this website is not currently connected to any social media sites. That’s not an accident. As I mention in my post Why Do We Forget Loved Ones Who Aren’t on Social Media?, I prefer not to use social media—first, because it’s one of my biggest energy-drainers, and second, because I don’t want to waste time comparing myself to others.

I don’t need to know how many more followers someone else has or how many more times their content was shared. I prefer to focus on writing and connecting in other ways when I’m online. That leaves me plenty of energy to do what I need to do away from the computer.

Still, I do allow you to share my posts on social networking sites—if you so choose. And I allow you to “like” my posts. But I don’t derive my self-worth from the number of times my posts are “liked” or shared. I just think it’s a fun way to show user engagement. And if I do decide to return to social media, it’ll be because I have a specific purpose for doing so.**

Our True Value

I wish people could learn to value themselves not in “likes” and “follows” but in how much love and kindness they release into the world and how true they are to their true selves.

I know I didn’t really answer the question in my post’s title, but that’s because this is one of those questions whose answers are more elusive to me. So, now I’m turning it to you. Why do you think people have come to measure their self-worth in “likes” and “follows”?

~ Ashley C.

*For anyone confused by my use of the word “perm,” in my dialect, “perm” and “relaxer” are synonymous, both of them methods of straightening hair. So, I use them interchangeably.

**November 9, 2024 Update: I am currently using Pinterest, but I consider that to be more of a search engine than a social media site.

Last updated: November 9, 2024