What Can You Say Instead of Ghosting a Friend?
Photo by Alisa Anton on Unsplash
There’s a lot of information out there about how to avoid ghosting someone in a romantic setting. But ghosting doesn’t only affect potential romantic partners and people who have dated. Friends can ghost, too.
The way I understand it, ghosting results from some combination of a lack of communication skills, fear, and a desire to be “nice”—trying to avoid hurting someone else’s feelings. But just as it’s not nice to leave someone’s love confession unanswered, it’s not nice to disappear from a friend’s life without prior notice.
Still, sometimes it becomes necessary for someone to disappear for a while or to stop being friends with someone. Instead of doing this without warning, this post will give you a list of options for what you can say instead. Before I get to the list, though, I wanted to remind you of something very important you need to do before you distance yourself from your friend: Get clear on how you feel.
This is advice I often give people who are thinking of confessing their romantic feelings to someone. But this applies to any situation where you’re preparing to share something that’s hard for you to share. If you’re not clear on how you feel, you can’t adequately express your feelings to anyone else.
So, before you send that message, make sure you understand why you feel the need to send it. In other words, why do you need distance or why do you feel like you can no longer be friends with this person?
Journaling is one of my favorite ways to get to the root of how I feel, along with expressing myself through art—music in particular. But you can use whatever method you prefer to gain clarity. And when you do gain clarity, you don’t necessarily have to be brutally honest with your friend, and you definitely don’t want to be mean. But knowing how you feel will put you in a better position to know what to tell them before you disappear.
With all that in mind, here’s the list.
10 Things You Can Say to a Friend Instead of Ghosting Them
“I’m dealing with some things right now, so I’m not going to be responding to messages for a while. I just wanted to let you know so you don’t worry about why I’m not responding.”
If the reason you feel like disappearing is because you’re overwhelmed with a situation you’re dealing with, you will definitely want to tell your friend that instead of just stopping all communication. If you already know you won’t be in a position to respond to messages, tell them that.
And if they offer you help if you need it, don’t be afraid to respond truthfully. Just say yes or no, depending on how you feel. And if you say no, still thank them for the offer.“I’m going to be really busy over the next few weeks, so I won’t be able to respond to messages for a while. I’ll get in touch with you when things calm down.”
If you’re going to be really busy in the foreseeable future, let your friend know so they won’t be expecting your responses. But then when things do actually calm down, make sure you reconnect with them. If you really would rather end the friendship, though, you should consider some of the other suggestions on this list.
(Full Disclosure: I’ve actually used this method to distance myself from certain people because I didn’t have the courage to be honest about wanting to end the friendship. So, yes, I am guilty of ghosting. But I’ve learned better since then.)“I feel like we don’t actually have as much in common as I thought. So, I think it’s better for us to part ways now. But I wish you all the best.”
This is a polite way of saying that you don’t feel like you and your friend are compatible as friends. For example, it’s possible you started talking because you shared a mutual interest, but the more you talked, the more you realized you don’t have much else in common.
If you don’t feel the friendship is working for you, you have the right to end it. But it’s better to do it kindly with a message like this. I prefer the phrase “part ways” to something like “end this friendship” or “stop being friends.” But if you don’t have a problem with the latter two phrases, feel free to use them.
And whenever you send a message where you’re ending a friendship, make sure you wish the person well so they know you’re not doing this out of malice or spite.“I feel like I’m not so into the kinds of things you like to talk about. If you want to change the conversation, we can keep talking. Otherwise, I think it would be better for us to part ways.”
This is another way of saying you don’t feel like you two are compatible as friends. It’s the kind of message you should send a friend if you feel like they’re a nice enough person, but it seems like the things that interest them don’t interest you and vice versa.
Of course, it’s great to have friends whose interests differ from yours. But if you’re so different that you don’t feel you have anything of substance to talk about, you might be better off ending the friendship. Even so, this kind of message lets your friend know you would like to continue being friends if they’re willing to talk about other things.“I’m starting to feel like your values aren’t aligned with mine, so I think it would be better for us to go our separate ways. But I wish you well.”
This message is similar to the previous two, but here we’re going a little deeper than talking about a lack of shared interests. Now we’re talking about a lack of shared values, which can definitely be a deal-breaker.
You don’t necessarily have to tell your friend which values of yours aren’t aligned. But sharing this message will help them understand why you don’t think it would be a good idea for you to try to continue being friends. And if they ask you which values you don’t feel you two share, it’s up to you whether or not you want to be clearer.“I’m feeling conflicted about our relationship right now, so I need some distance to sort through my feelings. I just wanted to let you know.”
Sometimes the line between friendship and being more-than-friends can become blurry. If you find yourself conflicted over your feelings for a friend, you might need distance to figure out how you feel and what you want to do. It would be very mature of you to take the time to do that.
Just don’t forget to let your friend know you need distance. And if they ask what you mean when you say you’re conflicted, it’s up to you whether you tell them the truth or something more vague like, “I can’t go into details now, but I’ll let you know when I’m in a better position to do so.”“I’m starting to get the feeling that I’m giving more to this friendship than you are. Since I don’t think that’s fair, I feel it would be better for us to go our separate ways. But I wish you all the best.”
All healthy relationships require that the people involved feel that they’re both giving and taking about the same amount. If you feel that you’re doing most of the giving in your friendship, you have the right to end it and seek out friendships that are more reciprocal.
After you tell your friend this, they may say that they’ll try to do better. If they do, it’s up to you whether to let them try or simply walk away. But at least if you send them this message, it gives them the opportunity to try to fix what’s wrong. If you just disappear, they may never know what went wrong. That’s actually true for all the items on this list that involve ending a friendship.“I’m really angry at you because of [INSERT SOMETHING THIS PERSON SAID OR DID]. I’m not going to be responding to your messages for a while as a result. I just wanted to tell you that.”
If you just stop responding to someone after they do something that deeply angers you, they may never know what they did or why you suddenly disappeared. It’s better to tell them how you feel so they know what’s going on. And if this person apologizes to your satisfaction, you might reconsider distancing yourself from them.
“I have to tell you, I don’t like when you [INSERT ANNOYING BEHAVIOR]. If you continue to act this way, I don’t think we can be friends.”
If there’s something your friend does that deeply annoys you, like with #8, you should tell them instead of just disappearing on them. Let them know that this annoys you. Maybe they had no idea. Maybe they didn’t even realize they did it. And maybe when you bring their awareness to it, they’ll be more mindful and more considerate. But if they have no intention of changing, it might be better for you to end the friendship.
“I’m starting to get the sense that my feelings don’t matter to you. We can’t be friends if you continue to do things without taking my feelings into consideration.”
If your friend constantly does things without considering how you’ll feel, or if they don’t treat you with the dignity and respect you deserve, you owe it to yourself to walk away. And make sure you’re able to mention specific instances of inconsiderate behavior or disrespect so your friend has a clear picture of what is and isn’t acceptable for you.
It’s possible that, as with #7 and #9, if you bring your friend’s awareness to the situation, they may try to change and do better. But it’s up to you whether you want to allow them to try or just end the friendship.
Alternately, instead of ending the friendship right away, you can tell them you’ll think about giving them a second chance and then distance yourself as you consider this possibility. But only do this if you really believe this is a friendship worth saving.
Final Thoughts
It will take courage on your part to tell your friend something that you know might be upsetting to them. But you’ll never be able to sustain healthy relationships if you run whenever faced with the potential for conflict. It’s better to figure out how to communicate difficult things now as practice for all your future relationships.
In all these examples, it’s possible that your friend will feel sad or hurt by what you tell them. But believe me when I say that it’s much better to let them feel that way temporarily than to leave them forever with the question, “Why did they just disappear?”
So, please don’t ghost your friend because you’re afraid of their reaction or because you don’t think you can handle their emotions. You’ll never learn how to handle them if you always run from them.
Now it’s your turn. What do you think someone can say to a friend instead of ghosting them?
~ Ashley C.