What Causes INFJ Relationship Anxiety?

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Everyone has the potential to experience relationship anxiety. Anxiety is a common response to anything we care about. But when it comes to INFJ relationship anxiety, it helps to understand how certain INFJ tendencies can contribute to anxiety in a relationship setting.

So, here are five possible causes of INFJ relationship anxiety and possible ways to help.

5 Possible Causes of INFJ Relationship Anxiety

1. Perfectionism

   INFJs are known to be perfectionists. And this desire to have everything be perfect extends to their relationships as well. But as you might have already learned, the quest for perfection is never-ending. Trying to achieve perfection in life and in relationships only leads to frustration, stress, and yes, anxiety.
   
   If you sense that the INFJ you’re in a relationship with is working overtime to make your relationship “perfect” or to become the “perfect partner” for you, please do them a favor and remind them that there are no perfect partners and no perfect relationships.
   
   But there are healthy relationships, and that’s what you should be striving for—a relationship where both people give and take equally, where communication is open, and where love and understanding are mutual.

2. Overthinking

   INFJs tend to have a fondness for ruminating. They love turning things over and over in their mind. This can be nice when it’s something like a new idea they’re playing around with. But when it’s something not-so-pleasant, it’s not so fun.
   
   When it comes to relationships, INFJs may find themselves turning over various aspects of those relationships in their mind. They may ruminate over why their partner said something the way they did or why their friend didn’t text back right away. They may also overthink what they’re going to say to a friend or partner or why they said what they did. All of this can lead to anxiety.
   
   There isn’t much you can do to stop an INFJ from overthinking. But if you give them reassurance that you love them and care about their wellbeing, it might help quiet some of those incessant thoughts.

3. Empathy

   INFJs are known to be deeply empathetic, which is actually a good thing and can serve them well in relationships. But as a result of being able to feel other people’s emotions, INFJs can easily get lost in them.
   
   They may forget about their own emotions altogether and work only to make sure that their friends’ or partner’s emotional needs are met. But if an INFJ isn’t tending to their own emotional needs, they may eventually grow resentful of those they see as keeping them from doing so.
   
   If you’re in a relationship with an INFJ who you find is tuning into your emotions without regard to their own, gently remind them that their emotional needs are important, too. And that means meeting them should be one of their priorities.

4. People-Pleasing

   INFJs are also known to give too much to others, especially those they care about. They may take the time to listen to others’ problems when they really need to be focusing on their own work. Or they may drop everything and run to be there for someone when they really should be resting or getting some much-needed alone time.
   
   Like with empathy, INFJs may experience relationship anxiety when they devote too much attention to others and not enough to themselves.
   
   If the INFJ you’re in a relationship with is showing these people-pleasing tendencies, it might help to gently remind them that they need to prioritize their own needs to be able to help anyone else effectively.

5. Idealism

   In this post, I talk about the most challenging aspects of loving as an INFJ, one of which is the tendency to “fantasize and idealize excessively.” In addition to imagining a “perfect” relationship, INFJs may idealize their partner. Of course, their partner will never be able to live up to this idealized version of them.
   
   But as a result of this ideal image, INFJs may try to constantly work on changing their partner or molding them into more of the person they imagine them to be. Actually, this can happen in all relationships, including friendships.
   
   To help an INFJ calm down their idealizing tendencies, you might have to make them aware that they shouldn’t be trying to change you if they really love you. They should be able to love you just the way you are.
   
   They should feel free to encourage you in your own self-improvement efforts. But at the end of the day, if they don’t love you as you are now, they’re only in love with the idea of you, not the real you. And relationships based on the idea of people aren’t sustainable and will understandably cause anxiety.

What to Take Away

INFJs aren’t unique in feeling relationship anxiety. But it can affect them in unique ways due to the tendencies of their personality type. Even so, if the people they’re in relationships with take the time to understand these tendencies and do their part to reduce the anxiety they may cause, that can go a long way in helping INFJs relax in a relationship setting—and in life.

Now it’s your turn. What do you think causes INFJ relationship anxiety? Let me know in the comments.

~ Ashley C.

Last updated: September 22, 2023