It’s Taken Years, But I’ve Finally Learned to Be Content Being Single. Here’s How.
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I wasn’t always content to be single, even though I’ve never had a romantic partner. But with all the messaging there is out there about the significance of romantic relationships and the media portrayal of relationships as this glamorous thing everyone should have in their life, it’s hard not to absorb that.
There have been times when I felt content, though, and I wrote songs to prove it. But even if the songs themselves might have been coming from a real place, I don’t think I ever truly learned what it means to be content being single until recently. (I’m now in my 30s.)
I used to consider myself a hopeless romantic, something I talk more about here. But as I discuss in that post, I’ve realized that what I thought was a desire for a romantic relationship was nothing more than an addiction to love.
I love the feeling of being in love. But I don’t actually want all the responsibility that comes with having a romantic relationship, at least not now. And when I’m being honest with myself, I don’t think I’ve ever really wanted that kind of relationship. I just loved being in love.
I loved having someone to crush on, someone to look forward to seeing or talking to. But after years of relying on crushes to help me cope with and navigate life, which I talk more about here, I’ve finally left the fantasy land where relationships are the highest priority and where having a romantic partner was my main goal.
So, how did I make the shift from hopeless romantic to content single woman? There are four main things that helped.
4 Things That Helped Me Go from Hopeless Romantic to Content Being Single
#1: Crush Analysis
The first was doing the crush analysis that helped me understand how my past experiences with unrequited love were really just an addiction to the feelings of love. This was such a huge distinction for me to make.
I used to feel very painful emotions when I noticed my feelings weren’t being reciprocated. But now that I see how I never even wanted a relationship in the first place, it has freed me to enjoy the feelings of love without feeling like I need a romantic partner in real life.
This analysis has also allowed me to understand that I was subconsciously choosing “safe” people to crush on—people I could love but couldn’t actually date for one reason or another. My subconscious seemed to know that I didn’t really want a romantic relationship but that I did want to enjoy the feelings of love. So, it found a way for me to enjoy the feelings without the relationships.
If you’ve had a lot of experience with unrequited love or if most (or all) your crushes have been unrequited until now, you might also benefit from a crush analysis. If so, my Romantic Narrative Assessment might be just what you need.
It will provide you with a written analysis of the romantic story you’re telling yourself, which will make you aware of your crush patterns so you can make different choices going forward.
Your analysis might not lead you to the same conclusion that I came to, that you never really wanted a romantic relationship. But it will help you understand why you keep crushing on people who don’t return your affection, which can in turn help you change your future behavior and hopefully get the outcome you truly desire.
If you’re interested, simply click the image below to learn more.
A written analysis of the romantic story you’ve been telling yourself.
If unrequited feelings are more familiar to you than requited ones, this analysis will deconstruct your recurring patterns of unrequited love so you can rewrite the script of your romantic life without a single coaching session.
The Basic Version of the assessment includes a comprehensive analysis of your romantic loops. Once you’re aware of your romantic patterns, it’ll be easier to make different (and healthier) decisions going forward. And changing your patterns will put you in a better position to achieve the romantic outcome you truly desire.
#2: Embracing My Sensuality Without a Partner
I think we too often link sensuality with partnership. But the reality is, we are naturally sexual beings. The desire to enjoy sensual pleasures isn’t limited to people who are in relationships. Even the single among us have these desires.
(Just so you know, here and elsewhere on this site, I use the words “sensuality” and “sexuality” and related terms interchangeably. The words have slightly different meanings, but I prefer not to get too repetitive.)
Even so, although I have enjoyed my own sensuality through things like fantasizing and fiction writing, I used to think I needed to have a partner to experience the full richness of sensuality.
I no longer believe that. I believe I can enjoy sensual pleasures just fine without a partner. It’s limited thinking that leads us to believe we need a partner to fully embrace this beautiful side of ourselves. (By the way, if you’re a single woman, this post offers some tips on how you can enjoy your sensuality without a partner.)
While I may have a partner in the fantasies I create, I’ve learned that I don’t need anyone physically there for me to have fun on my own.
#3: Realizing I Don’t Need a Partner to Move Forward
For the longest time, I genuinely thought I couldn’t move my life forward without having a romantic partner. So many of the women I see succeeding out there have a partner. Seeing this, my brain then tied “success as a woman” to “having a partner.”
But part of this mentality comes from the idea of wanting someone to save me. I used to feel incapable of changing my life on my own. And deeply embedded religious beliefs that made me think I had to follow a specific plan also convinced me that I had to wait for guidance or wait for the plan to be revealed.
It seemed to make sense to me that if all I could do was wait, I was waiting for someone to come rescue me in some form. And it made sense that that someone would be a partner, especially since I so yearned for partnership.
But after years of waiting for this partner to appear, no one has showed up yet. And I’m tired of waiting. So, I have been moving my life forward on my own. And as I do this, I’m proving to myself that I can make progress even without a partner. (Uprooting unhelpful religious beliefs and going from religious to spiritual have also helped me make this transition.)
#4: Highlighting What I Love About Being Single
This is something I had done before. But without the crush analysis that helped me acknowledge my love addiction, my realization that I can enjoy my sensuality on my own, and my realization that I don’t need a partner to move forward, even highlighting these benefits wasn’t enough to allow me to feel content being single.
Now that I’ve done the other work, though, I’m free to enjoy all the wonderful benefits of singlehood. Here are some examples.
I love the freedom that comes with being single. I love not having to consult someone else before making decisions. I love the idea of just being able to pick and go somewhere without having to share my plans with anyone or figure out how this person will fit into them.
I love not having to deal with someone else’s bizarre habits. And as an introvert, and specifically someone of the INFJ personality, I highly value my alone time. I love getting as much alone time as I can.
Also, as someone who is a bit of a workaholic, I love not having to make time for someone or remember to respond to their messages when I’m in the middle of a big project.
I genuinely love being single.
Final Thoughts
I’ve come to a place in my life where I’m truly content without a partner. But it was not an easy journey to get here. As someone who used to be a hopeless romantic who was addicted to love and crushes, I yearned to have a romantic partner. I longed to know what romance would feel like in real life, not just in fantasies or in the stories I wrote. I have yet to experience that, though. And that used to bother me.
It doesn’t bother me anymore.
I’ve finally realized that I never wanted a romantic relationship in the past. I just wanted to enjoy those loving feelings I get when I have a crush. I’ve also come to realize that I don’t need a partner to fully embrace my sensuality or to move forward in life. So, the reality is, I don’t need a partner for anything. I find that very freeing.
I’m not opposed to romance or partnership. But if I were to ever enter a relationship with someone, they would have to be very special. I value my single status way too much now to give it up for just anyone.
~ Ashley C.