This Is What I Discovered When I Started Analyzing My Unrequited Crushes
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Unrequited love has been the theme of my story for a long time. As I say elsewhere on this site, I have more experience with unrequited love than I do the requited kind. But I’ve recently been analyzing my crushes over the years, and I finally started to notice what’s really been going on.
My unrequited crushes usually had less to do with wanting a relationship and more to do with some other primary goal.
It’s taken me years to realize how content I am to be single. For the longest time, I really thought I wanted and needed a partner for one reason or another. But my struggles with unrequited love mean that I’ve never had a partner.
I used to try to find ways to pretend I was content being single. Maybe I even managed to convince myself I was content sometimes. But in the back of my mind, I feel like I was content while still waiting for my partner, consciously or unconsciously.
Now I’m content to be single, period.
But how did I go from hopeless romantic who thought she needed a partner to being content as a single woman? Well, I couldn’t have gotten here without doing some crush analysis to figure out what was really going on with those crushes—and there were several of them.
In this post, I’m going to discuss four of the most common reasons I crushed on people even though I didn’t really want a relationship.
Reason #1: The High
There’s just nothing quite like the fluttery feelings you get when you have a crush on someone. When you look forward to seeing them or talking to them or interacting with them. When you replay conversations you’ve had with them in your mind. When you fantasize about what it would be like to have a real relationship with them.
There’s just nothing quite like it. And as someone of the INFJ personality, I tend to feel things very deeply. This means I experience love in a way that can sometimes feel otherworldly. And that sort of feeling can be addictive.
Crushes were kind of an addiction for me. I just love the feeling of being in love. I love the beautiful emotions that arise when I have a crush. It’s all wonderful and intoxicating.
As a human, I’m not immune to the drug that is love. And crushes could be especially addictive for me, which is one reason I always seemed to be looking for someone to crush on or fantasize about. But now that I have an awareness of this addiction, I’m better able to see when I love the feeling of love but don’t actually want a romantic relationship with the person I Iove.
Reason #2: Understanding
INFJ is considered to be one of the rarest personality types. That means it can be hard for people to understand why INFJs do what they do. It can be hard for INFJs to understand their own behavior, too.
So, when an INFJ finds the rare person who understands them, I think it can be hard for them not to feel something deeper than friendship for this person—if they match the INFJ’s romantic partner preference, that is.
But one thing I’ve discovered is that you can appreciate the feeling of being understood without feeling like you have to enter a romantic relationship with the person who understands you. You can just cherish the friendship you share. It may be a deeper friendship than others you have or maybe any you’ll ever know. But sometimes a deep friendship can be just as special as a romantic relationship.
If you are able to make a romantic relationship work, that’s great. But if not, it can be wonderful to have a friend who sees and understands you.
Reason #3: Escape
For me, crushes offered a way of escape from a reality that could be bland. When I had a crush, I could lose myself in wonderful fantasies of us together. And when I could interact with my crush or their art (in the case of celebrities, who were also significant crushes for me), that would offer even more of an escape.
For a while, I could forget about my bland life and just immerse myself in loving this person. I didn’t have to make an effort to change things in my world as long as I could escape from it from time to time. And having a crush was one way I did that.
Reason #4: A Way of Escape
In addition to seeing crushes as a temporary escape from my reality, I also saw them as a way to escape my reality permanently. In other words, I often thought that if I could just enter a relationship with my crush, everything would change.
My problems would resolve. My life would be fun and thrilling. And I would get to enjoy the company of my romantic partner and soulmate forever.
Except, as you already know, that’s not what happened. No partner has stepped in to change my reality. After years and years of waiting for something like that to happen, I finally figured out that it’s on me to change things. And as a result of some serious internal work I’ve done and continue to do, I realize that I actually have the power to change things.
Final Thoughts
Unrequited love is no longer the theme of my story. Now I tell myself the story of someone who was in love with the idea of love but not the reality of romantic relationships.
It’s the story of someone who finally stopped relying on crushes as a way to cope with and navigate life. Instead, she started to rely on herself and her ability to handle life without a partner.
And this person isn’t content to be single until she finds a partner. She’s content to be single, period.
~ Ashley C.
P.S. If you’re an INFJ who’s feeling more like a side character than a main character in your own story, you might want to rewrite it like I rewrote mine. If so, I offer Narrative Correction for INFJs that may interest you. This service will help you rewrite the story you’re telling yourself so you’re the hero and so you feel empowered to make real changes. If this sounds good to you, simply click the image below to learn more.
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